As I’m moving into a new direction of my life and taking my training in Life Coaching, I see the parallel with coaching myself at the same time. It has been a few weeks, but it took my Chiropractor, some friends who have been with me along the way and a little determined spirit to take notice and STOP the cycle of running my head into a wall, and the suffering it sometimes feels like I was putting myself through.
I am a survivor of trauma and many other such things and I had been allowing myself to stay in a relationship that was causing me headache and frustration. My Beloved son’s father would not be interested in me during the time we were actually in a relationship, had stated our love for each other or claimed our commitment and goals of marriage. During these times there was a tease of a maybe marriage, a maybe commitment and maybe one day we’ll have time to be alone and make love, but all the while (I’m going to use the term HE in this case) HE was ignoring my desires for connection, rejecting my seducing him, refusing to go anywhere to be close, and considered our time alone to be something that always included our son there with us. It had been almost 5 years, all the while I had felt timid myself, overpowered, undermined and as though there was something wrong with ME. When I knew HE grew up as an only son and could rarely be satisfied, still living with his mother while raising our son and claimed that it takes him 7 to 10 years to open up to someone. I surrendered for a few years and thought that maybe he was right and it takes time to build trust and deep love, but it dawned on me after an NET Session that all this waiting and his rejection of closeness didn’t add up. Either he was extremely shut down sexually and has a fear of intimacy, OR there was something wrong with me that was causing him to make me wait so long.
I’ve been working as a Sex Coach and Intimacy Therapist for several years in my other business for over 6 years, am highly trained AND have been in intensive Psychotherapy, other Alternative Methods of Healing REGULARLY and completed two years of intensive Transformation in completing your life and your past. Perhaps he was comfortable with me before I had healed from the rape when I was afraid of getting close, or liked being in control of holding himself distant while I pushed him off of me because I needed to only be held. Now that my sex drive is back and alive, he pushes me away; nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps I just didn’t see it before because my needs were different. Now, I have a need for intimacy and closeness. His needs stayed the same; to have a mostly platonic relationship. This doesn’t work for me anymore!
So, my coaching to myself is to reclaim my power, to know I am deserving of a loving, deep powerful connection and that I don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone that pushes me away. What’s funny is that now that I have pulled myself away, he has shown an interest and has given me multiple clues that he is NOW turned on and aroused when he comes near me, but NOW it has gone past the line of survival. He had his chance. I offered multiple times to go to couples therapy, and the same pattern exists. There is no interest when we are a couple, but when I leave he comes running after me, and in the past would seduce me back into his heart. Now, I am taking a stand and having more clear boundaries. If he truly decides to surrender and become vulnerable and open his heart to allowing another to go deep into his feelings and transforms this pattern, I would certainly not reject him. But, now that I am taking a stand for myself, I am walking towards a stronger balance within my own heart, and know now I cannot change another and that I truly deserve love. The chances of him taking responsibility to heal his own heart and get the help he needs are slim to none, so, it is now up to me. My life, my heart, my power!
Who I used to be was someone who would wait around for another trying to help them and do everything to fix them and make them all better. Now I know this is foolish and will never happen, and it is only I who can heal myself. Now I look to myself, looking within to see why it is me who had a need to wait for them to come around. Maybe now it is I that needs to come around and truly walk away. It is the best way to truly father myself!
And in the name of the father, I affirm, I know my father knew no other way. As he was incapable of being a father to me, I now am being a father to me, and as I continue to grow and get stronger, my ability to help others expands. My relationship with my son improves, the people around me are inspired and perhaps HE will one day see the journey that will take him to heal his own heart, and if not, this is my way of loving him, and our family. Maybe he will never understand, but for the first time, I finally do!