Gratitude for the Guys

After several weeks of going through my own personal journey of development, I came to a point of being really down and fearful I could make it through the hurdles and take care of myself. After reaching out, and sharing my personal experience, and letting myself be available, I found that my present followers, clients and network was an amazing support and was so open and willing to be there for me, by letting me give to them in session. I was amazed to know the sincerity and commitment of their love and kindness and their immediate willingness to make a change so they could travel to see me.

I now have much appreciation for them in return and know, of those who see me, who is truly sincere in heart and devoted to me. I want to thank you ever so much for your love, your availability, your acknowledgement and your support. I also want to thank you for your patience, and your acceptance in knowing, I am still here and am also committed to you. As I continue on this journey of empowering myself, I know still, I am doing what I am called to do, and in alignment with my purpose.

For those of you who have not seen me in a while, I also want to thank you for being in my life. I know in your heart, if you were available and had the inspiration to see me, you would be here.

Some Questions to consider:

1). What do you do to honor and acknowledge the people in your life your gratitude for them?

2). Do you have a gratitude practice and what is it?

3). When someone gives to you without expecting anything in return, how do you respond? Do you give to others the same way, to them at a later time, or do you ignore it and forget it ever happened?

4). Do you celebrate the moments you are grateful or do you let time pass you by?

5). When you are grateful, do you tell others about it, or do you keep it to yourself?

6). If you’re not feeling gratitude in this moment, consider some times you were feeling grateful and go back to the people, community, or company you were grateful for, and acknowledge them. It just might make your day!

Thank you!

Just a little reminder that you all are very important beings and mean a lot to me.


Asttarte Asttarte Deva
Detoxing the Pain Inside Us

Detoxing the Pain Inside Us

Yesterday was my first day of actually choosing to receive a Healing Treatment specifically designed in healing a rape. I went back to my old therapist with the stand “I am now ready! I do not want this impacting my life any longer.” Because in reality, I know it was impacting every interaction I made, very decision I made, every decision and my way of being with clients, my son, his father, my parents, my brothers, my finances, my work, my artistic expression, my friends, my style of living, my monthly bills, even my spiritual practice, style of dress, my ability or lack of ability in making decisions and perhaps more.

EMDR is the method my old therapist uses and is specialized in, and in particular is specialized in this form in trauma. Now, everything makes sense. The rapes I experienced in high school were minor compared to this. They were more about a young girl who was too shy to speak my truth, not physically strong enough, or unable to stand up for myself and had trouble getting someone off of me. They were certainly violating and scary for a young woman, but this time, it was a major violation. This young man, and someone I thought I cared about actually grew up to become a rapist and in my therapists eyes, “a psychopath”, and someone who will probably never heal his reasons or actions in doing so; someone I had hoped would make good decisions and be a kind person in our society, but instead, he turned out to be someone all women be aware of and stay away. He drugged me to unconscious and I had no control in my actions or words. I was silent and completely passed out. I have little memory of the event. He committed a real act of sexual violence, and as the blood poured out of me for a month after it happened, so is now my blood pouring out of my heart, my soul and my spirit body.

During the EMDR, I watched the energy releasing out of my head, my neck and my face, but in particular, deep inside on the right side of my vagina; the front right side, all the way right side and back right side. I watched, intuitively, the energy releasing out of this area and coming down my leg to leave me; as if there was an entity, invisible, stuck inside me I was totally unaware of. Now, I can finally, for the first time, be a stand for removing that which truly was keeping me back.

Everything is energy, and now as the energy leaves me and pours into the earth, I can come back to my passions and help others who need to do the same. I have done energy clearing for this the past 5 years, otherwise, I would have had no drive to be sexual at all, but this time we got to the core of it where I can truly walk the path of being free; and only I will know when that is, but yesterday was a huge start.

I am much older and wiser now and I know the power of these healing modalities and instead of keeping them to myself, as if they are a secret, I am here to share all of their power with you.

As a bonus, yesterday in giving a session, a tantra healing actually, I noticed the triggering was much less and I was able to perform in ways I haven’t been able for quite some time. the only thing that did bother me after a while, was the muscles in my arm, but a massage can help heal that. I know my client was grateful. However, the spiritually minded are those who I will only work with, but I think that’s a good thing!

Not Waiting Any Longer

Not Waiting Any Longer

Cleansing the Cellular Energy Body

What does it mean to cleanse the cellular energy body? Well, the energy body is the layer of energy around and on top of your body that carries a vibration of who you are. It carries memories of your recent and far past of events, how you felt, and impacts how you feel today. Before the rape happened, I was a super Clairvoyant, and still have strong abilities today, however, they were covered, clouded and not as strong. There is a huge distinction with being able to sense that someone is a good person, and being aware that they may be dangerous to seeing and feeling their auras and the emotions that they carry in their energy field.

My Head and the Crown Chakra

Today, I decided to cleanse the energy around my head, and from the little memory of the event that happened, I know that this guy forced my head down on the bed. I know I was drugged, but I also have a faint memory of my head being forced into position. For the past 6 years, whenever my son’s father, my son or anyone else came near my head, I was ready to cut their head off (as an expression). I literally could not handle them coming near it, and would pull back, pull away, or push them away so I didn’t feel their hand near my head. It was so devastating to me to feel their hand that it felt like they were holding my head down with pins and needles even with the slightest touch. I even remember several years ago, it went all the way down to my shoulders, and I would NOT want anyone touching my shoulders either, but it started from the force on my head.

Today, after dropping my son off to school, and being super conscious of how my head has been craving this reiki healing energy I have been giving to the rest of my body, I decided to put some major focus on my head. I literally gave reiki on my head for almost 2 hours today. WHAT A RELIEF!!!! After about an hour of doing reiki, the energy started to finally creep in and my being was now accepting the energy to heal. The first hour was about removing the layer, the block and the armor. The second hour (or 45 minutes) was about actually going into my cells to remove the blocks in my energy field in, on, and all around every inch of my head.

I remember when I first started with Reiki 15 years ago and the feeling of pouring in the high vibration of love through my hands in giving myself the healing, just laying there and allowing the energy to do its work. Tears would release from my eyes as the energy poured in, as if the tears were the toxins releasing from my body; not actually emotional tears of sadness, but the energy toxins that were from impure energy of layers around me. And, today, I got to experience this again. Each time a tear rolled down my face, I knew the energy was going deeper and deeper and the vibration of darkness that covered me from the rape was actually, finally, releasing! What a joy to feel the purity of my spirit again, and the purity of the true essence that I am! Now I sit here writing and can feel the clarity around my head, my higher chakras are finally breathing again, and they are finally breathing in the light that they really are.

Today, I am truly grateful that I am alive! I feel like I can breathe again, and it feels SO refreshing!

I so look forward to sharing this healing energy with you again~



Newfound Spiritual Power

Newfound Spiritual Power

Since the beginning of April, there’s been a new initiation I’ve been going through. A friend of mine visited me during the weekend of the Grateful Dead. This friend is a Reiki Master from the MD/DC area; a Tantric Healer and Psychologist. And after we met at the mall with my son and had lunch, we came back to my place. My little guy watched a movie, and I layed down for a full hour receiving Reiki; a treatment I hadn’t given myself since BEFORE the rape happened. I was a strong Healer before it happened. I was extremely psychic, was often channeling information from my guides and angels on how to help the person seeking my help, many times was instructed on my next steps by my angels and had a very close relationship with them. I could see auras, energy fields and peoples chakras and was guided in helping to clear them. I did Angel Magic regularly, went to drum circles, sang, danced, went to pagan ceremonies and my third eye was WIDE open. I could feel everything around me. I did tarot readings, and angel readings for people and was heavily involved in the spirit world, much before it become a popular thing in our culture. In 2000, 2001 and 2002 I taught Reiki classes and held reiki shares. I taught Ascension Meditation classes and was living in bliss, on the spirit world. The past 6 years I learned about bliss in one’s own body; a different approach. Now, I am being re-united to my spirit power and merging both worlds into one!

In 2005 it happened, and my whole spiritual being got shut down. My chakras never closed, as they were FULLY opened, but everything became a blur, like a cloud of smoke was around me, and I had tried everything to reclaim my spiritual essence. It would show up in spurts, but nothing like it was before the rape had happened.

Then on this fateful day of my friend arriving, everything changed. After his session, I was more relaxed than I had been in over 6 years. I’m a different person now. My relationship with my parents is extraordinary compared to what it was, and my heart and mind are stronger. It was my spirit that was weak and the integration I’ve been praying for all these years finally started showing up on this day.

From that day on, I did reiki on myself almost every day. I was already a Reiki Master, and I wanted to live into this frequency as often as possible, and remember that I AM a powerful Healer, and I deserve to have the peace that surrounded me on that day, and everyday afterwards, and not just from giving Healing to others; but giving it to myself.

When my Beloved Goddess girlfriend came to spend time with me, I opened up even greater. What an amazing reflection of the Goddess I am, by having attracted such a gorgeous and powerful being. I so look forward to spending time with her again. She is reminding me of the Goddess I AM and always have been.

After about a month of doing reiki on myself almost every day, I woke up last Friday morning with a panic attack, and it lasted off and on all day and for the next 4 days. But after this, I received a Healing myself, got in touch with the rage that was keeping me anxious and in fear and cleared the root of the rape and the first layer of tapping into my true power. I am now more peaceful, centered, calm, and gentle with myself than I have been in a LONG long time; maybe ever. And it feels glorious to be in my body again. I will continue to give myself healing and now, am available to giving it to others. I now KNOW I am here to empower other women in this world, and help them to open so they can have the relationship with their beloveds they truly deserve! Getting rid of men’s sexual frustrations is only temporary. When the women can access their true pain, be in touch with their power and open up their flower in their body, this then is when deep intimacy can truly happen. It’s time for the men to learn how to help the women heal, and the time for women to reclaim them-self as The Goddess!!!

WHY the men are Always Sexually Frustrated!

WHY the men are Always Sexually Frustrated!

Why is it the men are always sexually frustrated?

I would like to elaborate on this a little bit and fill your minds with some perspective that might not have been considered, or perhaps give you something to contemplate for a while.

Women grow up as young girls, and often as young girls we are extremely sensitive to the things around us. We as children are more open, intuitive and feel more intensely what we do as adults. We feel like Healers do, and have higher perceptions of things around us.

Young girls often go through life, having to defend themselves, fight off people who cross their boundaries where they feel threatened just for being soft, feminine and girly. These young girls are easier prey to those bigger than them and get picked on easier and sometimes, although not wanted, the worst case scenarios, we get raped. And, often times all of these things that happen to us, get ignored and many times forgotten.

These girls go through life as if nothing ever happened. We live, we move on and we survive. But, yet we have deep hidden pains inside of us. As young girls we aren’t aware that we were damaged. We have strong wills and like to have fun. As young women, we express our sexuality and party all the time. But as adults, as fully integrated women, it catches up with us. By this time we are married, we have children and are fully into our careers. Our husbands don’t know our pains. Our boyfriends can’t understand, but we know, deeply!

Then it dawns on our husbands that they want more sex. They are frustrated. They aren’t getting it, and inside, our hearts are broken. Women are often soo suppressed that they aren’t even in touch with the pain inside of them. Sometimes they are, but don’t think its possible to heal, or worst, don’t want to. We need to be nurtured, loved, caressed, and cared for as a Goddess and fully respected as women. We need to take the time to open our hearts and expand the flower that we were meant to be. But, the husbands we are with are frustrated. They are impatient, and they want instant satisfaction. And, they aren’t getting it for the exact reason that their adrenaline is high and their patience becomes thin. They become demanding, needy and pushy. And as women we see this as a turn off. We pull away. We need safety and aren’t getting it. We feel threatened and unloved, and the distance between the two of us becomes larger. Eventually the split from heart and body takes place and sex becomes not something of intimacy or love, but of need and often demand.

And a lot of you men out there are wondering why your wives aren’t horny! Well, we women have been through hell, and YOU need to become our Healers, or we will put up a wall from you. So, my dear gentleman, I am here to tell you and teach you, you MUST become a gentleman and give your women the nurturing and the heart of yours she fell in love with. Otherwise, distance will prevail and overshadow any potential relationship you have.

My wish is for all men to learn to listen, to hear what the women of the world truly need and to open your hearts to love them. This then, is when the women of the world will TRULY give you ALL the love you ever wanted!

Blessings to you on your journey!


The Mysterious Girl

“The Mysterious Girl: A male who desired intercourse must pass through four stages of attainment: elongation, swelling, hardness and heat.
Yellow Emperor: What do these attainments mean?
Mysterious Girl: If the stalk does not attain sufficient elongation, the man’s vital energy is too depleted for the act. If he attains elongation but little swelling, this means that his muscular energy is insufficient for the task. If he achieves swelling but not hardness, it means that his joints and tendons are too weak for the act. If the organ gets hard but not hot, then his spirit is insufficient for the act. In order to prepare properly for sexual intercourse, you must first harmonize your muscles and bones with your energy and your spirit (i.e. harmonize three treasures). You must also exercise self discipline, follow the basic principle of Tao, and never waste your semen carelessly.”
by Bernard Atmovaibhav

Taking a Stand for your Feelings

Taking a Stand for your Feelings

Sometimes as a woman, when we’re going through something big, we have no problem expressing these things. We have no problem talking about them. But, it’s the other people in our lives, in our communities that have a problem hearing of dark times. They don’t want to talk about it, they don’t want to hear about it because they can’t deal with their own feelings within themselves! So, isn’t it funny how sometimes WE women who are healing end up nurturing the other people in our life to help them feel ok with what WE are dealing with. It’s like the perpetual cycle of being the nurturer and caretaker. We were wounded. We were abused, and yet, we still have to be the provider to others.

I took a stand to my mother the other day. I had told her I was going through a process over the phone the day before. She then shut down and said she didn’t know if she could handle having me come over; when all I said was I’m going through something. I am dealing with it and I’ll be ok.” But, she became defensive. Her guard came up. I informed her I’ll be alright and am doing what is needed to relax and feel better. I let her know it would be supportive to me to be with her. So, I planned to come over the next day.

When I arrived, she wanted to drink. I made a request for her to limit her drinking. She refused at first, and then agreed with difficulty if it would make me feel more comfortable. I stayed with my son while she hung out back with “my” friend. I kept my distance and nurtured my son. Later on, before putting him to bed I walked to the back to let them know I was going to put him to bed. They were both drinking heavily and had a drink in each hand. I said good night and walked away.

The next morning, as soon as I got up. Mother started talking to me about the doctors and judging me for not having taken him. I had only took him a couple weeks prior. She started mocking me about my belief of not getting vaccinations and the metals they put in them. I asked her if she could please not talk about this right now, and to talk about it later. It was like that was the hook for her to become abusive and cruel towards me. I affirmed these are my boundaries. I do NOT want to talk about them right now. She continued talking about them and not listening to me. I asked again. She did not listen. I started to get upset she was ignoring my request. She said I was being controlling. Wanting to raise my arms, I made my way to pack the car and leave. I suggested she read about boundaries and learn about what it means to honor someone. “It’s like having someone grab your boob over and over and over again and them not listening. Eventually you’re going to get really upset.” When you don’t honor someone’s boundaries it creates distance, friction, sometimes arguments and often break ups with those you love.

While I am going through this healing process I am taking a stand to not be around her. She has a REALLY hard time being with someone else’s feelings and the exact time they need you to be supportive, she becomes the abuser. I find it fascinating and wish for her that she will one day deal with her resistance to feel her own feelings inside herself. For now, I stay away until I NO longer need her support. It’s the ONLY time she can give it.