Sometimes as a woman, when we’re going through something big, we have no problem expressing these things. We have no problem talking about them. But, it’s the other people in our lives, in our communities that have a problem hearing of dark times. They don’t want to talk about it, they don’t want to hear about it because they can’t deal with their own feelings within themselves! So, isn’t it funny how sometimes WE women who are healing end up nurturing the other people in our life to help them feel ok with what WE are dealing with. It’s like the perpetual cycle of being the nurturer and caretaker. We were wounded. We were abused, and yet, we still have to be the provider to others.
I took a stand to my mother the other day. I had told her I was going through a process over the phone the day before. She then shut down and said she didn’t know if she could handle having me come over; when all I said was I’m going through something. I am dealing with it and I’ll be ok.” But, she became defensive. Her guard came up. I informed her I’ll be alright and am doing what is needed to relax and feel better. I let her know it would be supportive to me to be with her. So, I planned to come over the next day.
When I arrived, she wanted to drink. I made a request for her to limit her drinking. She refused at first, and then agreed with difficulty if it would make me feel more comfortable. I stayed with my son while she hung out back with “my” friend. I kept my distance and nurtured my son. Later on, before putting him to bed I walked to the back to let them know I was going to put him to bed. They were both drinking heavily and had a drink in each hand. I said good night and walked away.
The next morning, as soon as I got up. Mother started talking to me about the doctors and judging me for not having taken him. I had only took him a couple weeks prior. She started mocking me about my belief of not getting vaccinations and the metals they put in them. I asked her if she could please not talk about this right now, and to talk about it later. It was like that was the hook for her to become abusive and cruel towards me. I affirmed these are my boundaries. I do NOT want to talk about them right now. She continued talking about them and not listening to me. I asked again. She did not listen. I started to get upset she was ignoring my request. She said I was being controlling. Wanting to raise my arms, I made my way to pack the car and leave. I suggested she read about boundaries and learn about what it means to honor someone. “It’s like having someone grab your boob over and over and over again and them not listening. Eventually you’re going to get really upset.” When you don’t honor someone’s boundaries it creates distance, friction, sometimes arguments and often break ups with those you love.
While I am going through this healing process I am taking a stand to not be around her. She has a REALLY hard time being with someone else’s feelings and the exact time they need you to be supportive, she becomes the abuser. I find it fascinating and wish for her that she will one day deal with her resistance to feel her own feelings inside herself. For now, I stay away until I NO longer need her support. It’s the ONLY time she can give it.