During this grandiose journey of Motherhood, I’ve been on a spiral of many ups and downs in choosing wisely what is best for my son and myself. I’ve toppled the bottle in opening my heart to its fullest and surrendered my love to my son’s father in coming to acceptance, forgiveness, allowing, surrendering, and loving. And I’ve moved all the way on the other side of the scale to standing up for myself, affirming what is right for my self expression, my passion, my power, my divinity, my beauty, my pleasure, affirming that I deserve respect, honor, integrity, authenticity, humbleness and deep profound kindness and love.
I started getting Rolfing Sessions in February for my son and myself and after my 2nd Session, a HUGE eruption of rage poured out of my body. My poor cat had to be a witness, but luckily no one else. And what showed up was a well of anger for having put up with a man who is SO angry and hostile, and one who does not respect me as a woman, nor as a Goddess. I’ve been dealing with this for years, and even my own mother and father question why I put up with this. I’ve felt as though I’ve had a second child all this time, and that’s not the feeling you want to have; especially when you know who you are, as a woman; as a Goddess.
This entry is a bit of a personal one for me, but I feel as though it may help other women to know this struggle; that I am not the only one; and that you are not alone. As a woman, I battle with just being loving, and giving people the benefit of the doubt; accepting their faults, their weaknesses as well as their strengths. Women advance quicker and earlier in life than men, and it is in our nature to be a caretaker to others. However, we/I often get angry when that is all we do. When I feel as though he needs me to surrender and be the nice girl so “he” doesn’t get angry. That puts a heavy burden on a woman, and sooner or later you realize you are pretty pissed that you are not being taken care of, or adored, or honored, or at its worst allowed to fully express yourself; your love, your passion, your pleasure and your vulnerabilities. When you have to do these all on your own with others, it may not be at the depth you need, and it could certainly be hard on the other people in your life. So, you become the hero and figure it all out yourself.
In the Landmark Seminar Being Extroadinary, I took on being truly happy and financially independent where I don’t need him to support me at all, even though he never has, but to take away the need would be very freeing. Most men who have children take on a role of responsibility as a parent, and in particular to the mothers of their children. A stand that would work for me would be to no longer treat him as though he is another child of mine, but instead demand that I deserve to be treated as a woman, and I have much bigger things to worry about than taking care of his problems.
I wrote this poem last night:
To be consumed
Filled with anxiety
Is to befriend
the darkness hidden within
Have mercy on your fear
Dancing with your own devil
Swallowing the shadow
you not just walked
but ran away from
There is nothing left
but the breath
To breathe life back
inside your veins
To bring light
into the darkness
that is inside of you
Instead of running
As I read the book last night, Women Who Love Too Much, it brought chills down my spine of the synchronicity and resonance of the words it spoke to me. I do love to read, and I find myself reading material that is exactly perfect in the moment I read them, however, these words were scarcely correct.
- Typically you come from a dysfunctional home in which your emotional needs were not met.
- Having received little real nurturing yourself, you try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to men who appear needy in some way.
- Because you were never able to change your parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) you longer for, you respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable man whom you can again try to change through your love.
- Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will “help” the man you are involved with.
- Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, you are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
- You are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in any relationship.
- In a relationship, you are much more in touch with your dream of how it could be than with the reality of your situation.
These bullets spoke to me, as I am sure they do to any woman who “loves” too much, and it is my commitment to stand up for myself (and other women), instead of a man who doesn’t deserve it.
Most women grew up in homes where they didn’t receive the love they deserved, or the honoring of who they are, and I as a woman claim the right that women, and myself deserve to take back who we are; the gentle, loving and deserving women on the planet.