You fall in love and are head over heels for someone. The man who adore is sweet, kind, open and loving. You spend weeks and weeks together enjoying each others company, and then all of a sudden you tell your man you love him, and all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t think its possible. He tells you its too soon. He wonders if the relationship is a good idea anymore. He thinks he needs to pull back and distance himself, and does so. You’re freeking out. The man you had such a glorious connection with all of a sudden pulls away just because you tell him he’s amazing and you love him. Where did he go? Why did he pull back? What did you do? How can you fix it?
The issue comes down to the core of a persons psyche, their nervous system breaks open and starts to flutter in a million directions. Their mind goes a million miles and starts overanalyzing as a way to try to figure it out or protect itself. It comes down to attachment styles, and the source of someone’s attachment behaviors, where they came from, how they developed and what is safe for one person is terrifying to another.
We grew up in a certain household and developed attachment with our parents in a specific way based on who our parents were to us, how they treated us, and if they were too close or too far away when we needed them. Based on how this showed up as a child, we become a certain attachment style and the way we interact as an adult in relationship is exactly matched to what we needed as a child. It comes down to healing the inner child, and healing this attachment style. Not many people come to this place of healing their own attachment style. They think they are the way they are, and have to be with someone who won’t trigger their deeper wounds. But those deeper wounds are the core of the issues. The fears from either getting too close, or pulling too far back.
So the man you love, and you shared your feelings with wants to sabotage the relationship, and you try to fix it, by speaking soothing words, saying nice things, and backing off in words that will scare or trigger him. But you’re left with your own anxiety from him pulling away. And that too scares him. So, the solution is for both parties to heal both attachment styles; avoidant attachment who needs to pull away, and anxious attachment who is afraid of loss and needs to be close. Both need to develop inner security, confidence in their self love, and know that their partner still loves them, but is temporarily putting out signals and words of their own inner wounds and fear.
How can this be healed? How can someone heal their own inner attachment style?
The first thing is awareness!!!!
The next thing is being responsible!!!! Taking action and accountability for ones own behaviors and feelings and knowing they might be self sabotaging something great!
Take a step back and reflect on ones own fears!
Call a therapist who deals with attachment styles; particularly anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
Go to a support group!
Meditate and calm your nervous system.
Keep getting together and stay in communication!!!!
Show each other you care by your actions and not as much your words! Have fun together and show each other you care!
All my Love and onward journey of healing and growth!
Don’t give up when you’ve just begun! This is where things go from challenging to amazing!