Dominance and Submission in Relationships

Dominance and Submission in RelationshipsWhen I say Dominance and Submission, I’m not exactly talking about sex, or BDSM. That comes later; much later! I’m talking about behaviors that are overbearing, dominant personalities, and being in Relationship and communication with someone who overpowers you, thinks they are the only one in control, and don’t let you get a word in. I’m talking about people that dominate to the point that your feelings don’t even matter.

I’m also talking about people in relationship who are dominant types, who take leadership to a place of love, compassion, and can direct others with kindness, and surrender when their partner wants to speak, and have a turn to share in conversation; ones feelings, needs, desires, wants and expressions. So there’s Dominance from a lower vibration and angry place, and there’s dominance from a higher vibration, from a place of love, the heart, and leading with integrated power!

This is in fact a very BIG subject, and one that deserves a lot of conversation and discussion. And is something in fact I may have a live talk about in one of my presentations, more articles and a book on this topic. But here now, I want to point out that 1. people can choose to use their powerful personalities to manage, control, and manipulate those around them, or try to, and 2. people can choose to use their powerful personalities to lead others into surrender, to feel safe, to open their hearts even deeper and use grace and love!

It takes a very strong person, and very balanced person to lead with love, and it does not come overnight. This ability takes work and years of self reflection, personal development and transformation of ones identity and ego. It takes going down the rabbit hole to the pit of ones fear, ones rage, ones despair, shame and sadness, and transform at the depth and core of ones psyche, over and over again, and come out feeling compassion, overjoyed with love, appreciation, acceptance, and humbleness!

These are two separate topics here: Dominance and Force, and Dominance and Love!

Dominance and Force has side effects of feeling overpowered, hurt, blamed, degraded, abused, feelings neglected, feelings of hurt, repression, lacking empathy, kindness or understanding. Often the people in these roles are Narcissistic, mentally ill, have unresolved childhood traumas, may have a psychological or mental imbalance, may be alcoholic or drug addicted, they may be Avoidant Personality types or Anxious Attachment types that have not done their deeper work and process work of being humble, kind, an inability to be submissive. They may have unresolved issues with their parents, have hidden and repressed feelings of rape or feeling violated, either emotionally, mentally, psychically or physically. They just may not have not done enough of their own healing to be willing to let go of control.

Dominance and Love is not exactly the same as Dominance and Submission. Dominance and Love has to do with having the ability to be a leader, teaching others to understand something, leading them through something, but then also the willingness to surrender and let go of control when the person learning, receiving and being submissive feels the need to respond, react, or has emotions and feelings they wish to share in the moment of their learning from the dominant person. When the submissive feels safe, heard and lead through something in a powerful, clear, and yet loved way, it allows the receiver to feel able to surrender to what the leader/dominant is offering/teaching/coaching/or sharing. In any case, when a submissive feels safe, they can go deeper into surrendering in the moment. This is only possible when the leader is dominating and leading from the heart, with love, grace, ease and kindness.

Dominance and Submission is more about the entire concept. There are roles that a Dominant falls into, in the scenario  where one is leading another (which can be teacher, healer, lover, coach, etc). And there are roles that a Submissive falls into, which can only be done when the person who is Dominant helps the person who is Submissive feel loved. If the person who is Submissive also has not done their personal healing, is on the defensive, in reaction, has up their guards, walls, is angry, unwilling to take coaching, shy and unable to express their feelings, and respond with love, neither the Dominant nor the Submissive will have a happy balance between the two. And, hence, no one will get either of their needs, wants, wishes, feelings heard or granted! It takes two to Tango! And in the balance of the Dominant and the Submissive, it takes TWO!

More to come!

With Love,

Asttarte