Sex As Mood Trigger

Sex As Mood Trigger

sex as mood trigger

Sex As Mood Trigger

For those who have attachment issues and fears of intimacy, often sex and intimacy will be a trigger into their psychosis or issues that bring up the core of their emotions. I realize I am not a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, or CLSW, however, it doesn’t take someone with initials at the end of their name to know about issues with intimacy. (And, I have 20 years of experience in the practice of Healing Arts, and Sexual Healing Arts, which can often be seen as more background than actual college).

What does one do when the person they love so much, is triggered by the mere idea, or mere act of intimacy? How do you handle it? Do you try to help them, because, after all, you do love this person so utterly deeply. Why would you not want to help them, especially if the person is your husband or wife, and the parent to your child.

Intimacy and Sex is often a trigger word, and a trigger in general for certain people. It is actually more common than we realize, albeit, we would much prefer it not be the case, or that this issue was less common. The fact is, it is a common issue, as many children and many families have attachment and boundary issues, so too, do families and children grow up learning certain behaviors, beliefs and take on issues themselves in relation to the family dynamics they grew up in.

As much as these issues are common, what is not common is that people don’t want to look at themselves and what it is that causes them to have fear, their triggers, or take personal responsibility and accountability for their own part of a relationship (that is, after all, causing an impact on the other person). That is quite a challenge, especially if you love someone, and wanted to commit to them, for the long haul.

In the book: Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, it says:

Attractive people are attracting and yet frightening. They are beautiful; you would like to relate to them, but to relate with them means to lose your freedom. To relate with them means to not be yourself anymore. And because they are attractive, you will not be able to leave them; you will cling. You know your tendency — that the more attractive a person is, the more clinging will arise in you; you will become more and more dependent. That is the fear! ~~~Nobody wants to become dependent. Freedom is the ultimate value. Even love is not higher than freedom. Freedom is the ultimate value.

And why is it that people so want to have freedom?  And, why do they not think they can have freedom within a relationship? Most people, usually think it is one way or the other, not both. And, so they resist love and intimacy at all costs, because they feel to love deeply and ultimately, they will be sucked deep into a pit, never able to remove them-self and be their true identity. If to be intimate, and to love deeply, feels like a trapped cage, of course it would feel as though they have no freedom. But it is possible to have both love and intimacy and have freedom. The only place that is not free is in the mind.

If you love a person, you love a person. What will happen tomorrow —who cares? Today is so much, this moment is an eternity. What will happen tomorrow, we will see…when tomorrow comes. And tomorrow never comes. Real love is of the present. Always remember: Anything real has to be part of awareness, has to be part of the present, has to be part of meditation. Then there is no problem! And there is no question of attraction, and there is no question of fear.
sex as mood trigger3However, to a person of true fear of intimacy, these principals won’t make any sense. They will avoid intimacy at all costs, or as soon as there is the threat of the intimacy leading into something more serious. They will abhor intimacy at that point, and find any excuse to do other things; anything, other than the exercise, practice, or quiet time of solitude, to be alone; sitting near, laying near or being lovely dovey with their Beloved (in any manner that feels like closeness). Having that time alone will feel like a nightmare, leading into the trap they so deeply cringe and fear. Closeness will feel like a set up, and they will raise all walls and defenses against it. They will find intimacy as the direct threat to their sanity. And, their sanity will change into a thing of the past. They may change altogether, and become anxious, fearful, or start throwing darts your way, as though you did something to hurt them, scare them, even threaten them, when all you did was desire their affections and closeness above all else.

Perhaps in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy was something they joyed, as the structure of the relationship was not set yet. It had not formed or crystalized yet into a committed relationship. It was only something of fun, freedom, joy and non-attachment. But, as soon as it felt like it was becoming a commitment, they then changed.

Before sex, there is less attachment to the person. By having sex, you are connecting on an energetic and emotional level, and a certain level of attachment begins, even if it is unintentional. A one time sexual encounter is not as attachment producing as multiple times. However, even once is enough. Something happens in your DNA, your spiritual body and it causes two people to connect on a level nothing else can.

With Intimacy issues, the after effects of sex can pose a threat to ones overall balance of their mind. It can trigger deeper emotions within, and cause a ripple effect of layers upon layers that have not been addressed, need to be healed and supported through therapy, and cleared through other paths of emotional processing. If your lover is capable of holding space and presence for you as you reveal those vulnerable feelings (and you him), it can be a match made in heaven. However, if your lover resists feeling such things, is in denial that he has feelings, or in denial that working through them together can bond the relationship together stronger, it can only cause a downward spiral of separation, as soon as you, the one who desired the closeness, connected with him.

In the book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, in the section on The Sixth Level of Intimacy, it states where the fear begins:

It is often here that we have to tend to the wounds of our past. Sometimes these wounds have been ignored for years, and we find them infected and festering. Cleaning out wounds can be an excruciating painful experience, but if we are to recover and grow strong again it cannot be avoided. 

In the level of feeling, we certainly make ourselves vulnerable, but in the sixth level, we expose ourselves. Level 6 is the emotional equivalent of nakedness. This emotional nakedness is usually appropriate only in our primary relationship. Here, at the sixth level, we finally arrive at the place where we are able to say to our signifiant other, “I am afraid.”

However, when sex is the trigger for someone’s mood, emotions and fears, often intimacy will not come to the place of creating the vulnerability that will cause a breakthrough and transformation of closeness and love in a relationship. The ability to say, “I am afraid”, and your beloveds honesty will not happen. And, if it does, it will only come from trust, honesty, and perhaps some very deep emotional healing work, if and when this person you love will surrender to this degree of help. You only pray they do, and perhaps stop engaging in sex with them, so as to not trigger their wounds, or create an episode and emotional breakdown.

Maybe they will be your best friend, and that is all they can handle…for now.

sex as mood trigger2
Sex as Mood Trigger
Aim to Dis-Please

Aim to Dis-Please

Aim To Dis-PleaseAim to Dis-Please

If your lovers goal and main objective is to turn off your passion, suppress your sex, and make you passion-less and not filled with passion, he has a main objective; to displeasure you, and turn you off; not on!

The definition of to dis-please is: to incur the dissatisfaction, dislike, or disapproval of, offend, annoy, and also to be unpleasant.

The definition of displeasure is: dissatisfaction, disapproval, or annoyance, discomfort, uneasiness or pain, and an act of offense, annoyance or injury.

If your lover shuts you down, rejects you, rejects your requests of connection and intimacy, gets mad when you want him, gets mad when you are horny, ignores you when you are horny, and even does energy magic manipulation tactics to turn your high sexual energy down to feel nothing, like he was trying to turn it off and calm you down, he is an energy vampyre, AND maybe a psychopath himself, or some strange sex avoider.

Most of the time, psychopaths are sexual predators, and attempt to be very sexually active, almost aggressive and hurtful, and if they aren’t in one moment, it will come out later. My experience with my psychopathic lover was, that because my love making style was SOOO gentle, sensual, and tantric (where I wanted to look into each others eyes, move VERY slowly to have multiple orgasms, and wanted to be asked permission before he touched my breasts, and for them to be touched gently and with love) and he knew I refused to connect with him if it wasn’t that way, and had the ability to control his high energy and slow him down, even with all his will power, he got to the point where he wasn’t interested in sex at all. And, the only time he was ever really open to doing it is when I convinced him with my seduction. But most of the time, that didn’t work. He complained that he used to be able to move fast with Suzy ex, or squeeze Linda whoever’s nipples aggressively, and she didn’t mind the pain. But I did, so instead of being loving and supportive of my gentle needs, he just rejected me al-together. Talk about a passion killer!

And, I had SOOO much passion! I was horny all the time. I wanted him ALL the time, every time we saw each other, every time we talked, and almost any time we made connection. And most of the time I initiated all of those connections too. My other lovers and even other connections were so jealous of the desire I had for him, but I never got my fill or return of the passion I put out. I ended up waiting, in limbo, like I mentioned before. I was like the sexually frustrated guy who was always horny and with a very passive girlfriend. I always felt like we reversed roles, but really, I was a tantrica. I had blasted open my sexual energy, was willing to have sex and be connected intimately all the time, but then somehow got knocked up with some repressed angry psycho who didn’t even speak my tantric language. He didn’t even understand what I was talking about, and would get mad when I spoke in terms of all things beautiful from my trainings. He talked the talk, but didn’t walk the talk, claiming he was so tantric, and many many times it seemed that way, but the true colors always came out later, in my own sexual frustration and his rejection of me.

I remember one time I came home from a Daka /Dakini Conference in Sedona, Arizona. This was a Sexual Healers Conference, and I had enjoyed myself so much, experienced pleasure, love, intimacy and healing and raised my sexual vibration and my kundalini was flowing so beautifully. I came home happy, excited, and filled with vibrant energy that I wanted to share. And, immediately when I got home, he came over. The intention was to connect, and I was hoping to share my beautiful love energy with him. And, as soon as he saw me, and felt my energy, he literally placed his hands on my back, did this strange breathing technique, and made ALL my tantric and beautiful passion energy DIS-APPEAR! It was like magick! I didn’t know what happened, or how it happened, but I knew I was pissed, and I wanted my energy back. I flew that far away, spent the money to travel, get healing experience connection, and then as soon as I arrived home, he did his vampiric energy sucking technique thing and made it ALL go away! I couldn’t believe it! He didn’t have permission to do that! And, I then started studying vampirism, vampire magick and the true meaning of energy vampires for years after, but it was only until this past year, that I learned that true evil vampires are actually the spiritual name for Psychopaths! So, all that talk about vampires was being nice! Because some spiritual energy vampire’s are actually awesome good people, and there is amazing gifts they give to people, with permission. I’ve joined communities and found out about them. (granted some of them are very sick, but many have advanced healing abilities and offer them with permission and love; nothing like what’s in the movies). The movies give them a bad name (and teach mentally sick people to be even sicker). However, after leaving someone, and truly separating my consciousness and energy from him, I discovered that Psychopaths are actually the true vampires! Go figure! And, they don’t even know they are doing it, nor is there really any cure! (Unless they had a head trauma and get brain surgery, or treatment from some brain balancing devices that can help, but they have to want it).

Boundaries, agreement and permission is the missing link. Its the permission piece that is missing with those who are mentally not healthy. If sex is not exciting, thrilling and perhaps violent enough, psychopathic men get bored. They want to dominate, control and possess every single part of you. If they know they can’t do it, the next solution for them, is to shut you down. (His offense is your defense, and he tried to tear me down, but I was a match in standing power. Perhaps that alone is what drew us apart. I stopped letting him overpower me, in one situation at least).

They try to make you feel like you’re undesirable. But I knew I wasn’t un-desirable. I just knew there was something wrong with his thinking. And for many many years, I tried to help him, hoping and thinking that eventually he would come around, because he did make efforts, promises, join me in spiritual retreats and events, even go to some awesome therapy sessions, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t try enough, or want it enough to truly make a difference. All that forgiveness I did, and love I shared, eventually had to be put away, on a shelf perhaps for another time. And, like in the movie Vanilla Sky, as the beautiful actress says, “maybe in our next lifetime when we are both cats!”

Who knows! Maybe he will heal, but most likely, he won’t try!