Sex and Dating

Sex and Dating

sex and datingSex and Dating

I’ve mentioned in past posts how sex can bring up deeper issues hidden in the core of someone’s being. If the issues that are brought up were not dealt with before, or are triggered by the new lover and come to the surface, the best thing to do is face them head on. Sometimes the feelings that come up from the past is something you would rather stuff to the ground, repress it, keep it hidden, not confront it at all. But how do you move past a superficial connection to something magical, powerful, harmonious and beautiful if you ignore what is showing up for you? A relationship is a powerful tool for healing and can be a miraculous journey of growth, if you let it.

The best thing to do, is get clarity on where you are at, and sit with it, breathe with it, and feel into it. Communicate with your lover/partner/girlfriend that you are working through something. Don’t leave them in the dust to try to figure it out, guess and wonder what’s going on. Communicate at least to let them know you are ok, you’re processing something, and will return once you feel more complete on what has been brought up for you. If you like the person, and there’s potential of a great relationship, do your potential partner the courtesy of communicating with them; even if its minimal communication. Let them know what’s going on, you’re still around, and will return. This acknowledges the new potential relationship that there is a connection and hope of a relationship still exists.

Its totally ok if you have been triggered into your deeper issues, wounds, feelings. This the woman would see as a strength, and she would respect you for it. If you neglect her existence, she might not think you care, and may very well move on to someone new! So speak up, say something. Show you care, and don’t be silent! Your voice, your feelings and your relationship matters! It’s the stepping stone to something wonderful!

This is often a huge reason why I suggest becoming friends with your potential lover or partner before engaging in deeper intimacy with them. So, there is trust, safety and love, and you know they aren’t going anywhere just because a trigger came up. Its something that can be worked through, and the foundation of the relationship has already been built. Relationships always bring up things for people. If someone runs at the first trigger in the relationship, the possibility for a relationship with that person is impossible! ¬†There’s many more things to work through, and if you run at the first chance of a trigger, no relationship with ever grow!

Let’s hope for foundation to be built in new relationships, safety, trust, love and breakthroughs to happen again and again!

Much love,

Asttarte

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Relationships and Fear

Relationships and Fear

Relationships and FearRelationships and Fear

It’s amazing how after a relationship has gotten to a point of feeling so amazing that the connection is divinely pure, harmonious and feels magical, that once words are put on this, the relationship falls to the gutter. Perhaps people can’t handle putting words to what is happening. They see it as a threat, or they are afraid to admit what is actually going on. I call this a Love Poison. How can one person in the relationship feel so incredible and when words are shared, their partner feels like running and hiding?

How does this start in the first place?

Both partners are happy, filled with bliss, love and magic, and the connection feels beautiful. They hold each other often, kiss often, give each other affectionate touches and glances, and then the words cause one person to retract, or contract within themselves.

I’m going to go into Attachment styles again here. There are some people in our society who have a Healthy Attachment. This is when as a child, the infant and toddler received love and attention from the mother and primary parent, when it was desired, when the child cried, and asked for help. There was a balance of give and take and the child’s needs were met with ease, not too much, and not too little.

When a child was smothered and given too much attention and the parent was worried and frantically jumped to their childs needs right away or even before it was asked, the child can then become anxious. The child can also become anxious if he or she waited around crying constantly and not feeling heard, or feeling ignored and not having their needs met at all. They can then become anxious as well.

If a child was smothered and given attention all the time, even when it wasn’t wanted, the child can then become avoidant as an adult. If a child was forced into being affectionate, or yelled at by the parent, and didn’t want the affection and didn’t do anything wrong, but the parent is hyper possessive and protective, perhaps insecure or angry, it can also cause a child to become avoidant.

These three dynamics are just a subtle difference, but can cause all the difference in the child and eventual adult. And, most people don’t know where their behaviors stem from. They think they have to remain this way for the rest of their life, or at the most, manage it.

In the book, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner, it talks about the different attachment styles, and how to understand a partner who is an avoidant, and be more supportive to his or her emotional style. In the book, Anxious in Love, it talks about a person who becomes Anxious and how to heal oneself from this style and put less pressure on your partner who is not anxious, as well as exercises a couple can do together. I’m going to be studying more about this psychological concept on my own, and will share my studies here as inspired. Another good book, for the anxious adult, who grew up with absent parents, (emotionally or physically) is a great book called: The Emotionally Absent Mother; a guide to self healing and getting the love you missed.

Often, adults who have already healed traumas, childhood abuse, or perhaps a mental illness, would be ready to heal this type of treatment. If there are still unresolved traumas, or abuse within the system, one may not be ready to take on healing their core attachments with their significant caretakers. It takes many layers to unravel the self, and each process has its value and importance. When one is ready, the attachment style is a journey very worth undertaking, and leads one towards beautiful and healthy relationships, perhaps for the first time in their lives. I wish everyone to have the courage to heal all the layers of them-self, and to trust that each stage they are in, is exactly where they are meant to be!

When He Keeps Rejecting You

When He Keeps Rejecting You

when he keeps rejecting youWhen He Keeps Rejecting You

When your husband, significant lover, or boyfriend keeps rejecting you, after countless years and months of being together it is heart-breaking. I mentioned a while back this topic in an article called, “When You Want Your Husband and Someone else Shows Up“, this was relating to the same situation. The main man in your heart, the one your heart is deepest connected to over and above anyone else, is rejecting you, and there is nothing you can do! (This article also has relevance: When Your Hunny Just Doesn’t Want to Have Sex)

You gently say, it’s okay in one moment, and can be patient and wait for him when he is ready, but when he says the same thing over and over again, “not now hun”, “I’m tired,” or “we can connect later. Time and space won’t make a difference for how we feel, and if it does, we didn’t love each other anyway.” You think he makes some rational sense, but perhaps its his way of brain washing you to accept it, his reverse psychology of manipulation, because he probably really knows how to trick you, and cuts into your empathy personality of kindness, compassion and love. He knows they are your core values; to be kind, patient and accepting of others.

You see he’s dealing with something. You don’t know what it is. You’re annoyed, but your heart is open, and you love him, so you accept his needs, and request to connect later. But later never comes!

In the book, Men Who Can’t Love, it says under The Commitmentphobic Husband:

“Perhaps the most amazing thing about the committmentphobic husband is to the extremes to which he goes in order to not feel trapped. His discomfort is so great that he loses sight of the fact that his wife is a human being. Yet, after marriage, he is often so intensely uncomfortable, so anxious and so out of control that he can no longer see her clearly. He is often a man without mercy. His anxiety to find space and freedom within a relationship in which he feels trapped is no less terrifying to watch than the recently captured animal. He is flailing and it will do no good to point to him that his wife is just a woman and that she probably loves him. He can no longer see the reality of the situation. In his head she is captor.”

It’s amazing how many times you hear your man who is terrified of intimacy blame you for scaring him, or giving him anxiety, or putting pressure on him, or yelling that you ask too much of him, when all you want is intimacy, and he gives you nothing; or very little so much as a hug or sitting next to you for a short period on the couch. That is not deep intimacy, but to him, its all he can handle.

You think you yourself can handle this behavior. You allow it to continue and adjust your body’s arousal, and energy to handle his rejection. You even maintain intimacy with others to continue to accept it, but its never enough. You wanted him, most of all. Sometimes having affairs or an open marriage, doesn’t resolve the issues within the relationship, especially when they are deep rooted. If they have a fear of intimacy, and an issue with attachment, them telling you to go be with others and connect with them won’t resolve your hurt, frustration or pain with him. The issues with him must be resolved with him, not someone else. After all, it’s his fear of intimacy that is causing you to need to be with others anyway, isn’t it. So, its fear of intimacy that needs to be healed, not your sexual frustration. Being with others is wonderful, but in the end, its only a temporary solution, to a much bigger problem.

In the book, Recovery Workbook, For Love Addicts and Love Avoidants, it says: “Love Avoidants suffer from some form of childhood incest, and they fall in love but abort the relationship when it gets serious. Incest can mean overt (sexual molestation and rape), covert (sexual energy without touching) and emotional (being forced to be a surrogate partner).”

Saboteurs are Avoidants who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up.

Seductive Withholders run hot and cold. They always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become bored or frightened, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. (If they leave the relationship just once, they’re Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable in the same relationship, they are Seductive Withholders.

My guy was definitely a Committmentphobic and Seductive Withholder, and definitely a multitude of personality disorders. It’s hard to pinpoint without an actual diagnosis, however, being a practitioner for a very long time, and studying psychology and healing myself for 2 decades, I can pretty much estimate what is correct.

The most difficult thing is this person is your best friend, and was your lover, who connected with you so profoundly deeply and got into your heart before anyone else did. He’s stuck in there, like a leech, and you can’t get him out. So, those who deal with this, often want to try to help, support, heal, and struggle with being kind and offering compassion. However, in the end, this type of person must choose on his or her own, to get their own help, and truly get through their own battles, lest they stop giving them to you. You have enough battles to conquer on your own! I sure did.

In the book, The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table; Recognizing and Dealing with AntiSocial and Manipulative People, its says:

“When you first meet a sociopath (very similar to psychopath by the way), you may be impressed by her good manners. She tends to be charming at first, may go out of her way to please you, and often falls back on flattery. These tactics are designed to draw you in, but beware, for she is not what she appears, which is why sociopaths are often called “social chameleons.” It seems counterintuitive that someone so charming can be so dangerous.”

They have no trouble convincing the whole neighborhood and local community that they are perfectly normal, and most likely it is you that his community thinks has a problem, since they always see you upset at his wrong doings and acting out to stand up for yourself.

“It is quite common for sociopaths to create a sense of similarity and intimacy. They will tell you that you are the only person who understands them, that you are their special “soul mate.”

I remember not too long ago, he quoted from the funny kids movie, ‘Hotel Transylvania’, “You are my zing babe!” and flavored me with affection, devotion, commitment and made me believe we would after all that time get married, have another child and a home together. All those promises left to be met with his illusion and fantasy that he kept me hanging on by a string, with hopes for the future, and his unreliable stability and consistent change of heart.

Numerous times after he disappeared into his triggered state of whatever psychosis or personality state he has (bipolar, psychopathic, mama’s boy, womanizer, schizoid), and stayed there for a long time, I would be left to accept that he was a different person, and the man I loved with all my heart, completely pulled his heart back from me, and I was now talking to a different human being. No amount of my loving coaching, counseling techniques, patience, listening, and gentle healing love would make any different what-so-ever. He was an all-together different person now. Something triggered it, and usually it was from my desire of being close and intimate, have sex, or connect in a beautiful emotional way. Sometimes, and often times it was also something else. Sometimes just looking at him would do it, or rejecting and counter-offering another suggestion of doing something, anything other than what his direct focus was on. Any disapproval of his objective and focus was a complete insult to his ego. He was flabbergasted, and would complain you didn’t accept him fully and unconditionally. So, it left you unable to have your own opinion about anything. His objective was to keep you quiet, make you think you’re wrong, and reject you again and again!

If you tried to help him, talk to him about his feelings or why you felt his grilling anger, as though he was chewing his own teeth, and ready to scream at any moment, he would blame you for making his life stressful; for the mere act of asking him what was wrong. It was like being a therapist to your lover, but with no results. Gaining results always makes one feel as if what they are doing is helpful, but his rejection to first intimacy, and then rejection to talking, to then leaving all-together makes your efforts seems all the more worth-less.

The only thing left, is to accept it, grieve him, and then grieve some more! Anyone have a box of tissues? You might need them after reading this, and dealing with someone who runs for the wolves when you’re offering a sweet bed of flowers, and even some massage oil, satin sheets, and comfy gel pillows! Ahh, that sounds really nice!