Dominance and Submission in Relationships

Dominance and Submission in Relationships

Dominance and Submission in RelationshipsWhen I say Dominance and Submission, I’m not exactly talking about sex, or BDSM. That comes later; much later! I’m talking about behaviors that are overbearing, dominant personalities, and being in Relationship and communication with someone who overpowers you, thinks they are the only one in control, and don’t let you get a word in. I’m talking about people that dominate to the point that your feelings don’t even matter.

I’m also talking about people in relationship who are dominant types, who take leadership to a place of love, compassion, and can direct others with kindness, and surrender when their partner wants to speak, and have a turn to share in conversation; ones feelings, needs, desires, wants and expressions. So there’s Dominance from a lower vibration and angry place, and there’s dominance from a higher vibration, from a place of love, the heart, and leading with integrated power!

This is in fact a very BIG subject, and one that deserves a lot of conversation and discussion. And is something in fact I may have a live talk about in one of my presentations, more articles and a book on this topic. But here now, I want to point out that 1. people can choose to use their powerful personalities to manage, control, and manipulate those around them, or try to, and 2. people can choose to use their powerful personalities to lead others into surrender, to feel safe, to open their hearts even deeper and use grace and love!

It takes a very strong person, and very balanced person to lead with love, and it does not come overnight. This ability takes work and years of self reflection, personal development and transformation of ones identity and ego. It takes going down the rabbit hole to the pit of ones fear, ones rage, ones despair, shame and sadness, and transform at the depth and core of ones psyche, over and over again, and come out feeling compassion, overjoyed with love, appreciation, acceptance, and humbleness!

These are two separate topics here: Dominance and Force, and Dominance and Love!

Dominance and Force has side effects of feeling overpowered, hurt, blamed, degraded, abused, feelings neglected, feelings of hurt, repression, lacking empathy, kindness or understanding. Often the people in these roles are Narcissistic, mentally ill, have unresolved childhood traumas, may have a psychological or mental imbalance, may be alcoholic or drug addicted, they may be Avoidant Personality types or Anxious Attachment types that have not done their deeper work and process work of being humble, kind, an inability to be submissive. They may have unresolved issues with their parents, have hidden and repressed feelings of rape or feeling violated, either emotionally, mentally, psychically or physically. They just may not have not done enough of their own healing to be willing to let go of control.

Dominance and Love is not exactly the same as Dominance and Submission. Dominance and Love has to do with having the ability to be a leader, teaching others to understand something, leading them through something, but then also the willingness to surrender and let go of control when the person learning, receiving and being submissive feels the need to respond, react, or has emotions and feelings they wish to share in the moment of their learning from the dominant person. When the submissive feels safe, heard and lead through something in a powerful, clear, and yet loved way, it allows the receiver to feel able to surrender to what the leader/dominant is offering/teaching/coaching/or sharing. In any case, when a submissive feels safe, they can go deeper into surrendering in the moment. This is only possible when the leader is dominating and leading from the heart, with love, grace, ease and kindness.

Dominance and Submission is more about the entire concept. There are roles that a Dominant falls into, in the scenario  where one is leading another (which can be teacher, healer, lover, coach, etc). And there are roles that a Submissive falls into, which can only be done when the person who is Dominant helps the person who is Submissive feel loved. If the person who is Submissive also has not done their personal healing, is on the defensive, in reaction, has up their guards, walls, is angry, unwilling to take coaching, shy and unable to express their feelings, and respond with love, neither the Dominant nor the Submissive will have a happy balance between the two. And, hence, no one will get either of their needs, wants, wishes, feelings heard or granted! It takes two to Tango! And in the balance of the Dominant and the Submissive, it takes TWO!

More to come!

With Love,

Asttarte

 

Forcing Intimacy Too Soon

Forcing Intimacy Too Soon

forcing intimacy too soonForcing Intimacy too Soon (Or rather, Forcing a Committed Relationship Too Soon)

I find it so interesting that men try to push themselves on women, who is not quite ready to be involved in a romantic or serious way. Perhaps the woman recently got out of a relationship, and just would like a friend, maybe a lover, but not quite a serious relationship. It irks me to no end when these guys just throw themselves on a woman, and she has all her walls up, is still working through the pain from the relationship before, and then he gets angry, demanding or feels like she’s rejecting him when she made it utterly clear, she was not ready.

I call this bad boundaries or lack of compatibility. Come on guys! Give her a chance to at least move on. And, if she’s still with the guy, you’re most surely going to be disappointed. Don’t force her when she hasn’t even begun to let go.

I’ve had friend after friend, who originally said they could be friends, but then along the line they fell in love with me, and then made me wrong that I was still in love with someone else. “Hello!!!! I already told you!” It’s as though they thought I would change my mind, or I would magically have let him go, my heart be blasted open, and just jump into the game of another serious relationship right away. Perhaps some women can do this, but I cannot. And I find it utterly distasteful that some men expect a woman to just get on with it, and move on right away.

Perhaps those who have the ability to do this, weren’t in fact in love with their previous partner at all. And, for them, it is much easier. And, maybe, if she’s not wanting you, perhaps your aggressiveness in the matter is what is causing her distaste. A woman needs time, she is a gentle flower, and needs her petals to be opened lovingly, with kindness and softness. When she is ready, she’ll know!

This makes sense as to why a woman who was so deeply in love with a man, where they split up, spent months and months apart, and one or both of them tried to be involved with someone else, but in fact, they were still in love with each other. And, then the new person (people) come along and try to force them to fall in love. They’re totally turned off by the force and aggressiveness. And, then time rolls around the clock and their true beloved comes back again, and they are able to easily jump into each others hearts again too. Because during their separation, the people around them, didn’t support them to grieve. All they felt was annoyance and desire to keep distant from the new people, because they needed time. I get it now. i totally get it.

So couples that break up and get back together over and over again, repeat the cycle often, because their support system wasn’t that supportive, and they never had a chance to fully let go.

We all need friends, and affection when we’re grieving and healing from the loss of a loved one, but we certainly don’t need force. And, in time, the heart does open again (with a little extra support from conscious friends, community, healing and love).

(Inspired from multiple friends who were a little too aggressive and needy with me, and my love for New Moon; a movie where the guy friend got utterly jealous and demanding when the main character, Bella, was obviously in love with someone else).

Asttarte