Relationship Trauma & Anxiety
For the past three months, my life has altered in a dramatic way. Things happened that I had no expectation or awareness they could, and life has taken an unexpected turn. Something happened very personal, that caused me to have to take a serious measure and a stand for myself and my son. I had to file for Protection against a man I have loved profoundly for the past nine years, and a man I thought had loved me in return. I had no idea what the results would be with this action. I had no idea if I would gain the protection I sought, or what would then follow if I had not. Although, I knew I needed to take a stand. I knew enough was enough. And, I knew the stand was more for my son than for myself.
A forced legal custody arrangement was placed on the spot immediately following my inability to acquire the permanent protection, and my body was manifesting symptoms I had no control over. All the meditation, prayer and energy work I did on myself could not stop this process. All the prayers I did for him could not stop this process.
During the time of the temporary protection (around a month and 1/2), I became super clear I had been in love with a mad man, and someone who has extreme mental illness. It became clear I had spent years trying to help him heal, and he was in utter denial he needed it, and in utter denial there was a reason for him to seek any form of help that could be a solution, albeit temporary to his dangerous psychosis. I am very clear this man has Bipolar, as one of the many aspects to his behavior, however, that aspect would be a gift if that was all it was. I am not a Clinical doctor (yet), but I am very aware of personality disorders, disassociation, mental illness and mental health. If I could be the fairy that waved her magic wand over this sad unconscious soul, I would have done it years ago. And, in many ways, I tried, granted unsuccessfully.
It would make sense that stress or anxiety (and even symptoms of PTSD) could show up when anyone has to deal with another person of this character (sociopathic/psychopathic/schizoid/anti-social/depression). Thankfully I’m so proactively working on myself I don’t have the extreme of ptsd in my system, but considerable anxiety has had its way of taking over.
How could anxiety show up and manifest when dealing with such an extreme person?
It could show up as:
hyperventilating (or panic attacks)
loss of appetite (or increase)
serious disconnection from spirit (or spiritual practices)/loss of faith in God
energy blockages/energy stuck/cloudiness
During an intense change in a relationship, when you were going on a certain path and direction with someone you loved, with goals of marriage, living together and family, and then the sick person you love takes a sudden turn and changes their mood, behavior, feelings toward you from deep love to utter distance, changes the way they walk, talk and act, and becomes abusive and attacks you and those you love, having symptoms such as the ones above are extremely normal. Don’t let this delusional person tell you any different! If they start pointing fingers that there’s something wrong with you, that’s only confirmation of their illness.
My symptoms manifested mostly as hives, and I studied everything I could to determine how to treat this. My own research was far more successful and helpful than going to my doctor. I found home remedies online, and these were the most successful that I tried: (I also added my own techniques here as well)
cool or cold compresses
the herb nettle (can be found at a health food store)
fish oil capsules
meditation and relaxation (and deep breathing)
chamomile essential oil (most awesome was Wild Chamomile Oil; more expensive but fantastic). German Chamomile Oil, and Roman Chamomile Oil. The oils in jojoba oil do work and if they are all you can afford, get it. The pure oils of course are more potent! This helps with anxiety, stress, sleep and throughout the day.
chamomile tea (not as strong as the oil, but nice)
valerian herbal remedy
determining food triggers
witch hazel (helped only slightly)
Bach flower essences (rescue remedy and others you are drawn to)
Cosmic Love Essence
Healing Sessions, Reiki, Energy Healing (receive from friends or healers, and do self healing if you are trained as well)
Chakra Balancing (meditation, working with crystals, pendulum balancing, yoga, etc).
Therapy, EMDR, Psychotherapy, Support Groups, Group Therapy, Counseling
A Course in Miracles
Hanging out with friends and family
Exercise, yoga, rock climbing, skating, walking, staying active, etc.
Walking outside in cool or cold air
Anything that makes YOU happy!
Stages After Leaving the Abuser Could Be (in quotes taken from The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table):
frightened – “that the same thing will happen again, or that you might lose control of your feelings and break down”, that he will hurt you again, and your love for him is too strong to stay away.
helpless – “that something really bad happened and you could do nothing about it, leaving you feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed”, that you can’t control how powerful he is, in his vindictive ways, his seductive ways, and his false image of love.
angry – “about what has happened and at whoever was responsible”, and at those who took his side and didn’t believe you, at yourself for trying to help him, and who didn’t protect you or your child
guilty – “that you could have done something to prevent it”, when he shows love for you again, when he finally says he’s sorry, that you shouldn’t have given up on trying to help him to get help
sad – “particularly if you or other people (your children, perhaps) have been affected”, sad in particular that your child will be exposed to this man for the rest of his life, and you may not be able to protect him, sad and scared your child could be fated to become just like him.
ashamed or embarrassed – “that you have strong feelings you can’t control, especially if you need others to support you”. I am happy to accept the help when it comes my way, but this may be relevant for others. Ashamed that I as a Healer, could not see this or prevent it.
relieved – “that the danger is over and that the cause of the danger is gone”. I have come to this point, however, there’s always the risk that he will become like this again, he changes several times a year (or every other year depending on his triggers) into a new person. When co-parenting, there is no escaping; only managing. It’s best to stay friends and minimize reasons for him to become triggered.
hopeful – “that your life will return to normal; people start to feel more positive about things quite soon after a trauma”. Every person is different. If it was a repeated trauma, or a long term relationship, it could take longer than ‘soon’ as this book says! This perhaps is the less severe case, and milder psychosis. You can’t always agree with everything in a book.
The process of grieving, however, does come to an end, and one can assume they will come back to balance, so long as they don’t return to the relationship as it was. If, in all this effort, he does get some help, I will be grateful, however, with his assumed imbalances (chemical, non-chemical and untreated), it is not likely he will ever heal, or heal completely. The best solution, is gaining strength and power and protecting myself for when he does change again, because most likely he will…in due time. You can’t ever trust a psychopath or a narcissist to stay sweet. Assume he’s only doing doing that, to try to get something, or win whatever game he’s playing. And a Psychopath/or Anti-Social/or Mama’s Boy, is almost always also bipolar, so don’t expect him to stay the way he is right now. You never know when he’ll change his mind!
In God and Goddess’s Arms,
Extremely helpful books:
The Manipulative Man, Identify his Behavior, Counter his Abuse, Regain Control, by: Dorothy McCoy, Ed.D.
Psychopaths and Love, by A.B. Admin
The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table; Recognizing and Dealing with Antisocial and Manipulative People, by: Dr. Jane McGregor & Tim McGregor
Women Who Love Psychopaths; Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths, & Narcissists, by: Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Why Does He Do That; Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men, by: Lundy Bancroft
When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, by: Lundy Bancroft
Stop Spinning, Start Breathing; Managing the Memories that Keep us Addicted, by: Zari Ballard
Who’s Pulling your Strings; How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life, by: Harriet B. Braiker, PhD.
Emotional Vampires; Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, by: Albert J. Bernstein, PhD
When Love is A Lie; Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda, by: Zari Ballard
Other Helpful Books:
Narcissistic Lovers; How to Cope, Recover and Move On, by: Cynthia Zayn & Kevin Dibble, M.S.
Why is It Always About You; the Seven early Sins of Narcissism, by: Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW
Disarming the Narcissist; Surviving & Thriving with the Self Absorbed, by: Wendy T. Behary, LCSW
The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists; Coping with the One Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family, by: Eleanor D. Payson, MSW
Boundaries and Relationships; Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by: Charles L. Whitfield, MD
The Object of my Affection is In My Reflection; Coping with Narcissists, by: Rockelle Lerner
The Enabler; when helping hurts the ones you love, by: Angelyn Miller, MA
Where to Draw the Line; How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day, by: Anne Katherine, MA
Women Who Love Too Much; When you Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change, by: Robin Norwood
Coming Apart; Why Relationships End & how to live through the ending of yours, by: Daphne Rose Kingma
I Know This Much Is True, by: Wally Lamb (Oprah’s Book Club)