I’ve mentioned in past posts how sex can bring up deeper issues hidden in the core of someone’s being. If the issues that are brought up were not dealt with before, or are triggered by the new lover and come to the surface, the best thing to do is face them head on. Sometimes the feelings that come up from the past is something you would rather stuff to the ground, repress it, keep it hidden, not confront it at all. But how do you move past a superficial connection to something magical, powerful, harmonious and beautiful if you ignore what is showing up for you? A relationship is a powerful tool for healing and can be a miraculous journey of growth, if you let it.
The best thing to do, is get clarity on where you are at, and sit with it, breathe with it, and feel into it. Communicate with your lover/partner/girlfriend that you are working through something. Don’t leave them in the dust to try to figure it out, guess and wonder what’s going on. Communicate at least to let them know you are ok, you’re processing something, and will return once you feel more complete on what has been brought up for you. If you like the person, and there’s potential of a great relationship, do your potential partner the courtesy of communicating with them; even if its minimal communication. Let them know what’s going on, you’re still around, and will return. This acknowledges the new potential relationship that there is a connection and hope of a relationship still exists.
Its totally ok if you have been triggered into your deeper issues, wounds, feelings. This the woman would see as a strength, and she would respect you for it. If you neglect her existence, she might not think you care, and may very well move on to someone new! So speak up, say something. Show you care, and don’t be silent! Your voice, your feelings and your relationship matters! It’s the stepping stone to something wonderful!
This is often a huge reason why I suggest becoming friends with your potential lover or partner before engaging in deeper intimacy with them. So, there is trust, safety and love, and you know they aren’t going anywhere just because a trigger came up. Its something that can be worked through, and the foundation of the relationship has already been built. Relationships always bring up things for people. If someone runs at the first trigger in the relationship, the possibility for a relationship with that person is impossible! There’s many more things to work through, and if you run at the first chance of a trigger, no relationship with ever grow!
Let’s hope for foundation to be built in new relationships, safety, trust, love and breakthroughs to happen again and again!
What happens when the man you love starts losing interest. He doesn’t know how to show his feelings, or perhaps he chooses not to. Why men pull away and why does this downward spiral start happening? What can you do to avoid it?
Perhaps something gets triggered in him. You, as a woman pick up on this. You can sense it, feel it, and may even know why. But he may not. And men don’t like to be told what they are thinking, let alone what they may need to heal. They want to figure it out for themselves. They want to be left alone, and perhaps to sort out their own feelings in their own time. But we as women, don’t like to feel her man pull away. We get hurt too, from their distance, their absence and can sense something is wrong. However, to let him work through whatever it is that he may be feeling, perhaps is the best solution.
Men don’t want you to be his therapist, or healer. They want you to love him, hold him, nurture him. And, it can sometimes take weeks, or months of his distance of going through something. He wants to just know you are there for him. He wants to know you care, that you back him up, and can be patient.
Often, men like to know that the woman they love, will stand strong and proud of him, not insulting him, or making him wrong, and just believe in him. Why Men Pull Away: They want to feel secure and confident in their selves, and in the choice they made with their woman. In many ways, perhaps, they like to know that the woman he loves, will stand proud of him, as his mother did. And, if she cannot hold that security and confidence in him as his first female love did, perhaps his adult love is not good enough for him.
This then, is what starts the cycle to a man’s absence; feeling unaccepted, feeling invalidated, feel insecure, losing his confidence in himself, losing his power, when he loses control, and feels a woman doesn’t accept him as he is, wants to help him, fix him, change him, heal him. If he feels he can’t take care of his woman, doesn’t have the inner strength, courage, power, financial or emotional, and feels powerless over the situation. If he begins to feel these things within himself, and his woman triggers these feelings in him, often he will pull away from her. Many men don’t know why they feel this way, and his woman will want him to feel happy, strong and powerful, but not know why he doesn’t, or not know that her words can sting him into a hidden cocoon.
How can we then keep the man we love by our side? Empower him, support him, accept him, encourage him, love him…to be all he wants to be, whether thats loving you, or choosing to run miles away.
More to say on this…please comment if you feel guided.
Perhaps this is a post more geared for women, but I’m sure men will find benefit also. And, please comment if you have any response, feedback or opinion.
For those who have attachment issues and fears of intimacy, often sex and intimacy will be a trigger into their psychosis or issues that bring up the core of their emotions. I realize I am not a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, or CLSW, however, it doesn’t take someone with initials at the end of their name to know about issues with intimacy. (And, I have 20 years of experience in the practice of Healing Arts, and Sexual Healing Arts, which can often be seen as more background than actual college).
What does one do when the person they love so much, is triggered by the mere idea, or mere act of intimacy? How do you handle it? Do you try to help them, because, after all, you do love this person so utterly deeply. Why would you not want to help them, especially if the person is your husband or wife, and the parent to your child.
Intimacy and Sex is often a trigger word, and a trigger in general for certain people. It is actually more common than we realize, albeit, we would much prefer it not be the case, or that this issue was less common. The fact is, it is a common issue, as many children and many families have attachment and boundary issues, so too, do families and children grow up learning certain behaviors, beliefs and take on issues themselves in relation to the family dynamics they grew up in.
As much as these issues are common, what is not common is that people don’t want to look at themselves and what it is that causes them to have fear, their triggers, or take personal responsibility and accountability for their own part of a relationship (that is, after all, causing an impact on the other person). That is quite a challenge, especially if you love someone, and wanted to commit to them, for the long haul.
In the book: Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, it says:
Attractive people are attracting and yet frightening. They are beautiful; you would like to relate to them, but to relate with them means to lose your freedom. To relate with them means to not be yourself anymore. And because they are attractive, you will not be able to leave them; you will cling. You know your tendency — that the more attractive a person is, the more clinging will arise in you; you will become more and more dependent. That is the fear! ~~~Nobody wants to become dependent. Freedom is the ultimate value. Even love is not higher than freedom. Freedom is the ultimate value.
And why is it that people so want to have freedom? And, why do they not think they can have freedom within a relationship? Most people, usually think it is one way or the other, not both. And, so they resist love and intimacy at all costs, because they feel to love deeply and ultimately, they will be sucked deep into a pit, never able to remove them-self and be their true identity. If to be intimate, and to love deeply, feels like a trapped cage, of course it would feel as though they have no freedom. But it is possible to have both love and intimacy and have freedom. The only place that is not free is in the mind.
If you love a person, you love a person. What will happen tomorrow —who cares? Today is so much, this moment is an eternity. What will happen tomorrow, we will see…when tomorrow comes. And tomorrow never comes. Real love is of the present. Always remember: Anything real has to be part of awareness, has to be part of the present, has to be part of meditation. Then there is no problem! And there is no question of attraction, and there is no question of fear.
However, to a person of true fear of intimacy, these principals won’t make any sense. They will avoid intimacy at all costs, or as soon as there is the threat of the intimacy leading into something more serious. They will abhor intimacy at that point, and find any excuse to do other things; anything, other than the exercise, practice, or quiet time of solitude, to be alone; sitting near, laying near or being lovely dovey with their Beloved (in any manner that feels like closeness). Having that time alone will feel like a nightmare, leading into the trap they so deeply cringe and fear. Closeness will feel like a set up, and they will raise all walls and defenses against it. They will find intimacy as the direct threat to their sanity. And, their sanity will change into a thing of the past. They may change altogether, and become anxious, fearful, or start throwing darts your way, as though you did something to hurt them, scare them, even threaten them, when all you did was desire their affections and closeness above all else.
Perhaps in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy was something they joyed, as the structure of the relationship was not set yet. It had not formed or crystalized yet into a committed relationship. It was only something of fun, freedom, joy and non-attachment. But, as soon as it felt like it was becoming a commitment, they then changed.
Before sex, there is less attachment to the person. By having sex, you are connecting on an energetic and emotional level, and a certain level of attachment begins, even if it is unintentional. A one time sexual encounter is not as attachment producing as multiple times. However, even once is enough. Something happens in your DNA, your spiritual body and it causes two people to connect on a level nothing else can.
With Intimacy issues, the after effects of sex can pose a threat to ones overall balance of their mind. It can trigger deeper emotions within, and cause a ripple effect of layers upon layers that have not been addressed, need to be healed and supported through therapy, and cleared through other paths of emotional processing. If your lover is capable of holding space and presence for you as you reveal those vulnerable feelings (and you him), it can be a match made in heaven. However, if your lover resists feeling such things, is in denial that he has feelings, or in denial that working through them together can bond the relationship together stronger, it can only cause a downward spiral of separation, as soon as you, the one who desired the closeness, connected with him.
In the book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, in the section on The Sixth Level of Intimacy, it states where the fear begins:
It is often here that we have to tend to the wounds of our past. Sometimes these wounds have been ignored for years, and we find them infected and festering. Cleaning out wounds can be an excruciating painful experience, but if we are to recover and grow strong again it cannot be avoided.
In the level of feeling, we certainly make ourselves vulnerable, but in the sixth level, we expose ourselves. Level 6 is the emotional equivalent of nakedness. This emotional nakedness is usually appropriate only in our primary relationship. Here, at the sixth level, we finally arrive at the place where we are able to say to our signifiant other, “I am afraid.”
However, when sex is the trigger for someone’s mood, emotions and fears, often intimacy will not come to the place of creating the vulnerability that will cause a breakthrough and transformation of closeness and love in a relationship. The ability to say, “I am afraid”, and your beloveds honesty will not happen. And, if it does, it will only come from trust, honesty, and perhaps some very deep emotional healing work, if and when this person you love will surrender to this degree of help. You only pray they do, and perhaps stop engaging in sex with them, so as to not trigger their wounds, or create an episode and emotional breakdown.
Maybe they will be your best friend, and that is all they can handle…for now.