Sexy Charming and Abusive

Sexy Charming and Abusive

Charming-Man-1440x900-wide-wallpapers.net
A real abuser is always sexy, charming and immature. (mine was as sexy as him)

Sexy Charming and Abusive

If your best friend, your lover, (husband, boyfriend, wife or girlfriend) is also your abuser, people may have told you time and time again to just leave the jerk.  And if you looked at them with perplexed eyes, feeling despair and hopelessness, because that one action seemed impossible, you are right! It is nearly impossible!

Leaving your lover, who is also your best friend, and is also your abuser, and is the one thing that scares you, threatens you, and risks your life on a daily basis, the decision of leaving may be impossible. Or, if you have tried leaving, perhaps they used their sexy charm and manipulation to win you back, just when you were catching on to their seduction, abuse, and lies.

Perhaps when you had made requests of intimacy time and time again, and they made excuse after excuse not to be intimate, and you got fed up, left, started dating others, were even starting new relationships, or attempting to, and they jumped in, only to stir your emotions again, dangle their carrot, and seduce you back into the bedroom again. Perhaps you caught on to their pattern of luring you in only after you had waited months and months, and then when they finally had you, they withdrew their love again, pushed you away, and became rageful, hurtful and even vengeful when you made requests to be intimate, or didn’t understand where their anger was coming from!

In the book, The Manipulative Man, by: Dorothy McCoy, Ed.D, it says:

Arrogant men are an annoyance. Narcissistic men and Womanizers turn our lives into a challenging game, as we attempt to stay ahead of their scheming, self-indulgent behavior. Beyond annoyance and challenge, we enter the darker side of human nature — violence. Hostile men would crush our spirits and redefine “who we are” as “who we should be.” Their view of relationships is dominance over driven and idiosyncratic.

After my husband had left to the mid west, going out there to plant seeds of getting a place to live and work, for our family, he arrived home and switched gears. He became a completely different person. His facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and goals all had changed. I was still in the mind-set of the goals we had prior. He had a different agenda. I had missed him, and wanted intimacy, to be close to him. I ignored the warning signs that he had switched, and in the moment he touched me, I saw his disassociation, and he crossed my boundaries, touching me aggressively and hurt me. His words, “I’m tired of you wanting to be gentle. My fingers like to be just as aggressive as my mouth.” In the moment I froze, and stayed quiet, as I figured out he had changed, and became someone evil.

The book states also, Intimidation is a crude, primitive form of manipulation employed by men who must control and dominate, much as other men must breathe. In most cases, these men will not change and they certainly won’t change to please us.

I tried to explain to him, that his touching was hurtful and to please be gentle, but he couldn’t hear me. He wasn’t listening, and it felt as though he wasn’t even in his own body. I felt his anger and distaste for my words, and no soothing words I spoke made any difference. The only solution was to pull away, and instead of responding in anger as a normal person would, I knew I had to protect myself from the rage I could feel he was feeling. I went in to speaking to him, as a counselor, asking why he was angry and where it was coming from, and assuring him that perhaps something happened while he was away that upset him. He continued in his denial of his feelings, and I remained calm and centered so as to not anger him further. Instead of standing up for myself or protecting myself, I knew that would enrage him further than he already was.

Our goals must then be revised to accommodate this new circumstance (violence). Then, our new goals become (1) to avoid pain and injury and (2) to gain independence from the violent male. If you believe it is easy to leave a violent man, you have been given inaccurate information. Women in strongly aggressive relationships are more at risk when they attempt to leave or after they leave.

It’s been one year since my abuser and I have separated. I’m starting to slowly gain back my spirit and power. It is true, I was in a funk and had anxiety during the first 6 months of separation, as my body was adjusting to leaving what it was used to constantly needing to defend. During the time he left to mid-west, and after the filing of protection and separation from him for nearly 2 months, all darkness of the truth was revealed to the light, and I had awareness more than I had in the last 10 years. I knew he was mentally ill, and may never get better or get help. And, I knew I had to leave the relationship for the last time (lest he ever prove to me that he had begun treatment, therapy or done something extraordinary to heal his mental condition).

In my heart he is still my best friend, however co-parenting is much healthier and safer without stirring intimacy into the mix, so as to avoid any intimacy triggers that will push him over the edge back into his abusive behaviors once again. It’s best to leave those triggers at bay, and create intimacy with others who have a healthy relationship with love and sexuality. Let’s create the least stressful life as possible, and the most ease! It’s been a long ten year journey, to finally be ready (and able) to walk away from someone who showed red flags within the first three weeks. Next time, it’s time to listen to them!

And perhaps too, he’s giving me a gift this time. By rejecting me he’s actually keeping me from repeating the cycle. There just might be a part of him that is healthy, that he knows he is incapable of loving me without chaos. I’m grateful for his rejection. It’s giving me a chance to let go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realize this blog post is off topic to the theme of this blog, however, I decided to be bold, honest and tell the truth. After all, we’re talking about sex and relationships aren’t we? I’m feeling my writers block starting to dissipate, and I am in fear of sharing the truth no longer! I have been working on creating videos on my TrueTantra.net site, and wrote a post when I was in the midst of grieving and detoxing this situation months ago at IntuitiveSoulHealings.com/relationship-trauma-anxiety/. I actually had writers block all year because of this. And started to tackle some personal health matters I am passionate about. I shifted gears to writing a funny children’s story while waiting for my writers block to disappear, and this here is perhaps my first truth writing where I can see things clearly, and the dark cloud I was in all year is finally gone! Don’t think I’m in a funk anymore, because I’m not! It just takes me a while to write, and usually its after all is well done and over, revealing what I had overcome! So, this is my writing in sharing, I have overcome this, and am truly grateful! We all have our journey’s! (And yes, I’ll continue to work on this journey while coming back to my passion and what I love…my spiritual and tantric life and love for sharing!)

If this post has any relevance to you, check out psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com. It’s FILLED with helpful information!

Take Time to Love Him

eye gazing

Do you make the time to be alone with your beloved husband or boyfriend (or girlfriend if you a lesbian)? Do you create quality time despite the fact that you have a job, or a family, or a career, are self employed, need to go grocery shopping, do the laundry, meet with your girlfriends and relax just to be with you, or any other number of reasons you would keep distant from the most important person in your life? And speaking of reasons, we ALL have plenty of reasons for being alone, for being single, for creating separation or distance from our loved ones, but we ALSO have many reasons for choosing to create connection with them as well.

Perhaps you’re angry at your partner, or ex, and you are now choosing to hold onto resentment because you don’t trust anymore, or you are wallowing in self pity, perhaps you’re blaming them for your problems, or all your friends cheer you on that he/she was the asshole! Whoohoo, let’s bash down our most precious partner to make us feel justified that we were right. That feels OH so good! BullS!!!! Do you really want to be putting down the one person you are more connected to in your heart? Does it truly make you feel good about yourself that you’re pulling away because you’re angry? And perhaps, just perhaps they aren’t even angry at you at all. It’s you who has the anger or resentment in your heart. And that truly does just eat away at you. You can be filled by the energy of anger for months and even years, and it surely will give you lots of energy to continue to put down any potential of connection or love, but the rewards are SO much greater when you can shift and transcend this energy into forgiveness and then love, and allow this same person you have deeply cared about all this time back into your heart!

When you take the time to love the person you LOVE, what will you receive:

  • A knowing of forgiveness and an opening in your heart
  • The potential of falling in love all over again!
  • Peace of mind, joy and serenity
  • bliss
  • the return of GREAT sex
  • more energy to do the things you WANT and need to do
  • understanding of each other on a greater level
  • a best friend
  • knowing yourself at a greater level
  • better sleep
  • a calm mind
  • a sense of ease and satisfaction
  • LOVE!!!!

When you take the time to love the most important person in your life, you’re not only giving him/her the greatest gift, you’re also giving it to yourself as it returns back to you MULTIPLIED!!!!

I honor and celebrate all who can fall in love over and over and over again, or those who want to experience this to know IT IS possible in any moment. It’s your choice! Always, always choose love! It’s the greatest gift of all! And right now in our world, love is the greatest treasure to behold and the gift that will allow us to continue to shine! WE are our future, and our future is NOW! Choose love, and love will choose you!

Blessings and love and Namaste~

Death, Prayer and Connecting to The Deceased

WHEREVER I GO
AND WHATEVER I SEE
IN MY HEART AND SOUL
YOU’LL ALWAYS BE WITH ME
~Ken Wilbur, Grace and Spirit
“Though the ordinary man looks upon death with dread and sadness, those who have gone before know it is a wondrous experience of peace and freedom.” 
~Paramahansa Yogananda

Death

When someone you love dies, it is significant shatter to your spirit. It may be overwhelming for some at first, or perhaps the shock doesn’t come until later, days or even years. But as I am being witness to myself in observing what death feels like to me, with someone I was very close with, I notice the desire to connect to my loved one in little reminders of her, and things that make me think of her. I feel that we do things to comfort our urge in being close to our loved one, and in doing so, it is part of our own healing process of the acceptance of their loss. Death is a huge subject, and all people handle it in their own way. Some people don’t feel a desire to connect to their loved one, but many like to connect to them in any way they can. When death happens, and in particular to a significant person in someone’s family; someone who was a leader to all those that followed, it can and will make a huge difference in how the rest of the family relate to one another, and hold gatherings that they always had organized in their deceased loved one’s honor.

I can foresee the future of my own family, having perhaps resistance to doing things any differently since the tradition stayed consistent for many years during our grandmothers later years when she was no longer able to go to places to celebrate, and we all gathered where she was, to support her in being a part of the family, and doing things together; including her, but sacrificing what might be more fun to everyone else since she could hardly walk. On some level, we let her lead our events because of this, and compromised our own needs or desires, and even though now we might be able to finally get out there and expand our horizons, we just might continue doing the same thing we have always done, as change might be hard for anyone to grieve the loss of the one they love; and in particular a grandmother who lived nearly a century.

“Our real self, the soul, is immortal. We may sleep for a little while while in that change called death, but we can never be destroyed. We exist, and that existence is eternal. The wave comes to the shore, and then goes back to the sea; it is not lost. It becomes one with the ocean, or returns again in the form of another wave. (a reference to reincarnation). This body has come, and it will vanish; but the soul essence within it will never cease to exist. Nothing can terminate that eternal consciousness.”
~ Paramahansa Yogananda
“The word “death” is a great misnomer, for there is no death; when you are tired of life, you simply take off the overcoat of flesh and go back to the astral world.”
~Paramahansa Yogananda

Prayer

No matter what beliefs or religion you have, it is crucial to pray, and prayer alone has so much power and sacredness in it, but when you pray in the honor of your deceased loved one, it takes prayer, intention and your focus to a whole new level.

The meaning of the word prayer is: 1. A reverent petition made to a deity. 2. An act of praying. 3. A specially worded form of praying. 4. prayers. A religious observance in which praying predominates. 5. A fervent request. 6. The slightest chance.

In the act of praying, you are creating a new relationship with what it is you are praying for; whether you are praying the same thing over and over again, or recreating your vision, view or relationship to that which you are praying to, or praying for. Prayer alone creates magic! It creates a feeling of magic within oneself that anything is possible, and what it is you are praying to gets to experience you as the creator of your vision. The energy of your spirit multiplies into the universe and sends out the intention into the world, and as your intention is magnified and your heart goes out into what you are praying to, most of the time, the prayer is received and returned. Our thoughts have power in them, and our words, even more powerful. When we speak our words into the world, our words create a reality that match what it is we desire, what we believe and what we long for. Hence, when we speak words of love, loving things return to us. And, therefore, when we speak words of anger, vengeance or darkness, dark experiences often come to us. It is so crucial to put intention into ones words, and in the journey of healing, never to be intentional about causing harm to any other human being, but rather be intentional about how you are feeling, being honest, truthful and kind. What one wants may not always manifest, but when one speaks of ones desires with love, intention and power, you just never know what will happen. You may be gifted with a glorious surprise!

“The first thing that happens when we die, is what we believe will happen to us when we die.”
~Gretchen Vogel

Prayer and Connecting To Your Deceased Loved One


I’ve been reading this remarkable book called: Choices In The Afterlife; What We Can Do and Where We Can Go After Death, by: Gretchen Vogel, and it is extraordinary. I’m discovering that every personality, every human who passes onto the spirit world lives into the same personality that they had while they were living. Some who leave go onto their next journey and finally reconnect with the love of their life again, or have a reunion with their parents that were long gone before they died. In a way they are having a party on the astral realm, free from the limitations of their body, or the pain that existed in their limbs. Some of them choose to stay near by, watching over their loved ones who are still living; as a Guardian Angel of sorts, and others go up higher into the spirit world, making peace with the life they lived on earth, and prepare to move on to their next destination, and often times preparing to be reborn once again.

When someone first dies, I believe they stay on the Earth Realm for several weeks before they move onto their next place, and during those first few weeks after death, is the most sacred and significant time to pray to them, for they haven’t quite left the Earth yet, or in a sense, they are preparing to decide where they want to go next. Some beliefs feel as though if you pray to them too much, you are overpowering them with your will and keeping them back by staying near you. However, in the acceptance and grieving for both you and your deceased loved one, I believe it is important to pray to them; to let them know you love them, accept that they chose to move on, and give of your heart to them. This helps them to make the next decisions they need to make to prepare for their next work. Some, I feel, can choose to be angels, however, not constrained by the 3rd Dimension of the Earth, but living higher in the 4th Dimension and making themselves available to you upon your request. I believe they may stay this way for a short time or a very long time, and when they are ready to return to Earth, they will prepare themselves for coming into a new body. I believe while they are on the astral realm, they are in training so to speak, and whatever it is they choose to do on the astral realm is reflective of the same personality they had while on Earth; they may be stubborn, they may be lazy, or they may make quick decisions and transcend to the next realm yet again.

However you pray is your journey and your faith, but prayer alone to the one you love who has left you recently, or even some time ago, is very helpful to both you and your loved one. It creates healing that will support both of your journeys!

“I am still–and will always be—myself alone. but, as myself, I know, now, I am not alone.
~Timothy Findley, Inside Memory

Blessings to you, and to All!

Jen

Dedicated to my grandmother, who only passed a few days ago, June 1st, 2012, 7:45am.
I will always love you.
When Your Hunny Just DOESN'T Want To Have Sex

When Your Hunny Just DOESN'T Want To Have Sex

sexualfrustrationHave you tried everything in the book to get your hunny to make love to you?

Are you calling your friends asking for advice?

Have you seduced him or her on multiple occasions with little response or wake up from them?

Are you tired of rejection?

Do they always have excuses and are NEVER in the mood?

Perhaps there’s another reason they are shut down. Perhaps there are deeper core issues that need to be dealt with. You love them, he/she loves you, but the little amount of fondling, caressing or stroking of your hair is getting old. You want some connection. You want someone to love you deeply. You want a tantric partner; not just some 10 or 15 minute quickie. Where is he (she)?

You try playing with your toys, you go out with the girls (or the guys), you are ALWAYS in the mood and he just drops dead when he comes home.

Forgiveness & Acceptance

Forgiveness & Acceptance

forgiveness and acceptanceI heard a story today of a woman who shared her experience with her ex-husband. She had been dealing with a custody battle for years and came to feel as though none of her inputs, feelings, or concerns were given any consideration. She had an agreement set up with her ex-husband on the days he would be with her children and the days she would be with her children.

The holidays are coming and she had said, “I don’t have a good experience with the holidays and I always look forward to when they are over.” Her ex-husband knew she was to spend Thursday with her children, but he then asserted that he was going to take the children that day. Then he casually mentioned that he was also going to be taking the children to someone in his family on Saturday, when Saturday was also a day scheduled for her to be with her children.

It was a situation I could not do anything about, other than listen. And, as I heard her speak, I heard more and more of my own situation that I USED TO have, that I now NO LONGER have. I wanted to offer her my suggestions and perhaps a new viewpoint that might help her. She sort of was playing the victim role and didn’t seem to realize how she was being responsible in the situation. She was blaming, acting entitled, was judging and holding onto the pattern of this relationship and how it had been going on for years.

If I could put my two sense into this situation for this woman, I would ask her to consider how she is being is responsible; if she can see how he feels, what she is still holding onto from the past, how she is blaming, judging, nitpicking and playing the role of the victim. She is playing the advocate for helping women who have gone through divorce, but it seems her heart is very much still hurting and she covers it up with a powerful confidence. My hope for her, is that she learns to forgive him, accepts the situation, learns to listen, and can one day surrender to this mans feelings. This may be the one thing that could bring peace to her family, and perhaps friendship between the two of them, instead of animosity!