Emotional Avoider and Co-Parenting

Emotional Avoider and Co-ParentingEmotional Avoider and Co-Parenting

What happens when a relationship is over, has been for a while, physically and emotionally, and then your child requests both parents to join him together as a family for a fun function on your weekend? How do you as the ex-partner handle the rejection of your loved one who wants nothing to do with you, except give your child all the attention? How do you handle the avoidance, of your kindness, your simple gestures of touch on the arm, saying good bye, and not a look in your direction; just simple disappearance and walking away?

What does this stir up in you? Do you feel unwanted? Unloved? Not good enough? Or does it bring up childhood feelings with a parent of unresolved feelings? Are you an adult with of a parent who also avoided you? didn’t know how to express love? Rejected you, and withheld their love from you at all costs? Perhaps its time for a make-over and time to go deeper into your childhood experiences, even if you have done an enormous amount of spiritual, psychological and emotional work? The layers to healing are never done, and perhaps, here is a gift of shedding more.

 

Why Men Pull Away

Why Men Pull Away

 Why Men Pull Away

Why Men Pull Away

What happens when the man you love starts losing interest. He doesn’t know how to show his feelings, or perhaps he chooses not to. Why men pull away and why does this downward spiral start happening? What can you do to avoid it?

Perhaps something gets triggered in him. You, as a woman pick up on this. You can sense it, feel it, and may even know why. But he may not. And men don’t like to be told what they are thinking, let alone what they may need to heal. They want to figure it out for themselves. They want to be left alone, and perhaps to sort out their own feelings in their own time. But we as women, don’t like to feel her man pull away. We get hurt too, from their distance, their absence and can sense something is wrong. However, to let him work through whatever it is that he may be feeling, perhaps is the best solution.

Men don’t want you to be his therapist, or healer. They want you to love him, hold him, nurture him. And, it can sometimes take weeks, or months of his distance of going through something. He wants to just know you are there for him. He wants to know you care, that you back him up, and can be patient.

Often, men like to know that the woman they love, will stand strong and proud of him, not insulting him, or making him wrong, and just believe in him. Why Men Pull Away: They want to feel secure and confident in their selves, and in the choice they made with their woman. In many ways, perhaps, they like to know that the woman he loves, will stand proud of him, as his mother did. And, if she cannot hold that security and confidence in him as his first female love did, perhaps his adult love is not good enough for him.

This then, is what starts the cycle to a man’s absence; feeling unaccepted, feeling invalidated, feel insecure, losing his confidence in himself, losing his power, when he loses control, and feels a woman doesn’t accept him as he is, wants to help him, fix him, change him, heal him. If he feels he can’t take care of his woman, doesn’t have the inner strength, courage, power, financial or emotional, and feels powerless over the situation. If he begins to feel these things within himself, and his woman triggers these feelings in him, often he will pull away from her. Many men don’t know why they feel this way, and his woman will want him to feel happy, strong and powerful, but not know why he doesn’t, or not know that her words can sting him into a hidden cocoon.

How can we then keep the man we love by our side? Empower him, support him, accept him, encourage him, love him…to be all he wants to be, whether thats loving you, or choosing to run miles away.

More to say on this…please comment if you feel guided.

Asttarte

Perhaps this is a post more geared for women, but I’m sure men will find benefit also. And, please comment if you have any response, feedback or opinion.

LoveSexandTea.com/Love/Love-Coaching

Relationships and Fear

Relationships and Fear

Relationships and FearRelationships and Fear

It’s amazing how after a relationship has gotten to a point of feeling so amazing that the connection is divinely pure, harmonious and feels magical, that once words are put on this, the relationship falls to the gutter. Perhaps people can’t handle putting words to what is happening. They see it as a threat, or they are afraid to admit what is actually going on. I call this a Love Poison. How can one person in the relationship feel so incredible and when words are shared, their partner feels like running and hiding?

How does this start in the first place?

Both partners are happy, filled with bliss, love and magic, and the connection feels beautiful. They hold each other often, kiss often, give each other affectionate touches and glances, and then the words cause one person to retract, or contract within themselves.

I’m going to go into Attachment styles again here. There are some people in our society who have a Healthy Attachment. This is when as a child, the infant and toddler received love and attention from the mother and primary parent, when it was desired, when the child cried, and asked for help. There was a balance of give and take and the child’s needs were met with ease, not too much, and not too little.

When a child was smothered and given too much attention and the parent was worried and frantically jumped to their childs needs right away or even before it was asked, the child can then become anxious. The child can also become anxious if he or she waited around crying constantly and not feeling heard, or feeling ignored and not having their needs met at all. They can then become anxious as well.

If a child was smothered and given attention all the time, even when it wasn’t wanted, the child can then become avoidant as an adult. If a child was forced into being affectionate, or yelled at by the parent, and didn’t want the affection and didn’t do anything wrong, but the parent is hyper possessive and protective, perhaps insecure or angry, it can also cause a child to become avoidant.

These three dynamics are just a subtle difference, but can cause all the difference in the child and eventual adult. And, most people don’t know where their behaviors stem from. They think they have to remain this way for the rest of their life, or at the most, manage it.

In the book, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner, it talks about the different attachment styles, and how to understand a partner who is an avoidant, and be more supportive to his or her emotional style. In the book, Anxious in Love, it talks about a person who becomes Anxious and how to heal oneself from this style and put less pressure on your partner who is not anxious, as well as exercises a couple can do together. I’m going to be studying more about this psychological concept on my own, and will share my studies here as inspired. Another good book, for the anxious adult, who grew up with absent parents, (emotionally or physically) is a great book called: The Emotionally Absent Mother; a guide to self healing and getting the love you missed.

Often, adults who have already healed traumas, childhood abuse, or perhaps a mental illness, would be ready to heal this type of treatment. If there are still unresolved traumas, or abuse within the system, one may not be ready to take on healing their core attachments with their significant caretakers. It takes many layers to unravel the self, and each process has its value and importance. When one is ready, the attachment style is a journey very worth undertaking, and leads one towards beautiful and healthy relationships, perhaps for the first time in their lives. I wish everyone to have the courage to heal all the layers of them-self, and to trust that each stage they are in, is exactly where they are meant to be!

When You Want Your Husband and Someone else shows up!

When You Want Your Husband and Someone Else Shows UpWhen You Want Your Husband and Someone Else Shows Up. This is the pitfall of many relationships. A woman is craving connection with the man she loves, and what happens is that her man is unavailable. He’s busy or preoccupied, or his interest has dwindled and he has other concerns and things he wants to focus on. She’s deeply saddened and desperate to gain his attention, but he’s always somewhere else, emotionally or physically.

In a Polyamorous Marriage this is perfectly fine. There is an agreement between both partners that they are allowed to be with other lovers, so long as the structure of the relationship is maintained. However, if the foundation of the marriage is rocky, or there has been very little connection, intimacy and commitment between the two partners, straying from the marriage can feel like cheating, or in Christian terms “committing adultery”.

When you’re in love with your husband (or significant beloved) and there is no intimacy, your heart tears up inside. You want his commitment. You want his willingness to do what it takes to be there for you, stay by your side and give you his all! But when you have waited and waited for him to show up in this way, and all of a sudden someone else shows up, most of the time, it is like God giving you the gift you have been waiting for! You fall prey to this new amazing being that you are so deeply drawn to, and your wish has been granted.  Then the big question is: what do you do next? Do you continue to wait for the man you deeply love, or do you continue to fall into the arms of another? How long are you truly willing to wait? If waiting is putting your life on hold, perhaps waiting is not what your supposed to be doing anyway. Perhaps, you ARE supposed to be enjoying life and just surrender to what life gives you!

Read more posts for women at HealingSacredWoman.com

When You’re In The Mood

When You’re In The Mood

When You're in the Mood

When You’re in the Mood and Your Hunny Isn’t

A story and some Coaching:

Upon waking in the morning, I was horny as a banshee. I looked over at my hunny and he was simply out cold! I was up and ready to go. Our son was sleeping in the bed beside us. Since we have a toddler, we often sneak out of the bedroom before he wakes and slip into another room to have a rendezvous in the morning, or a late hour snack. I tried comforting him to waking, but he still would not move. I cuddled him, carressed him, moved my body into his, leaned into his shoulder and put my face on his shoulder, breathing and making deep sounds… letting him know in my own way I was fully alert, awake and ready for some love making! My hips were rocking, I was breathing heavy and I tried taking his hand to lift him and walk him into the other room, but he did not budge.

What do you do when you’re excited to connect to your loved one and they are either not interested, not horny or are just completely exhausted?

In the past I would massage him and caress him for about a half an hour to wake him up and eventually he would, but this time, we were running out of time and doing all my tactics of convincing and seducing for a half an hour was not an option. And then, I went to set up the other space and when I came back he was cuddled up nicely next to our son and solid as a rock in this next place. Within a few minutes our son woke up, and that opportunity was lost.

I started grunting, and still wanted to escape to the other room; letting our son be alone for 5 to 10 minutes. It didn’t happen.

So, instead I decide to shift all that creative energy to getting ready in the morning, getting my son’s schoolbox ready and to make myself available for clients later. Thanksgiving is this week and we agreed we would sleep together Thanksgiving night and I would sacrifice a portion of my Friday morning to be with him, with the intention to sneak again somewhere we could be alone for a few minutes. Our schedules are conflicted with time to be alone, and with his new job, my role as a mother, and our son either being in school or with one of us, being alone isn’t always easy. So, I take advantage of those few opportunity’s we do have, and trust that eventually we will take another date night alone, and make some time for a couple hours of a rendezvous for ourselves!

The best way to deal with these kinds of situations is to 1). come from a place of non-attachment, 2) do not judge, 3). speak words of kindness, 4). accept your partners needs, wants and their concerns as well, 5). make a new promise or agreement for the future, and 6). take care of yourself today in the best way for you!

Asttarte

Pink Tantra

Withholding Your Love

Withholding Your Love

Withholding Your Love

When you withhold love from the people you love, what is it you are gaining? Are you withholding in order to protect yourself? Are you holding onto resentment or regret? How long will you continue to hold onto these feelings? Are you doing it because you feel you are right? How does it feel to be right? Does it make you feel strong, proud, confident or some other emotion?

 

Choosing to be right is the old paradigm of communication and only creates distance, separation, upset, and keeps your-self under control; rather than dealing with how you really feel; a loss for the connection to the person you love.

 

How many people do you choose to withhold your love from? If you think about it, there are probably at least half a dozen people you are withholding love from. If you are not feeling utter peace and joy in the presence of those you care about, you are withholding love; even in the subtlest capacity.

 

Withholding your love keeps your body in an armored state; your chest becomes tighter, your breathing is more shallow, your body feels rigid and anxious.

 

When you’re upset at the person you love the most, and holding on to anger in your body while taking your time to get over the anger, having a hard time releasing the anger, or hoping eventually it will go away, no matter what you will be withholding your love from this person, AND withholding love from yourself as well. When you are not present to your anger or upset, it may feel like it is the other persons fault. But in fact, you are the only person who can forgive and let this go.

What do you do when you are upset at the person you love?

Do you take hours, weeks, months, or years to forgive?

When you have upset or anger, do you decide to date someone else, hang out with your friends instead, ….

 

 

Pink Tantra

Take Time to Love Him

eye gazing

Do you make the time to be alone with your beloved husband or boyfriend (or girlfriend if you a lesbian)? Do you create quality time despite the fact that you have a job, or a family, or a career, are self employed, need to go grocery shopping, do the laundry, meet with your girlfriends and relax just to be with you, or any other number of reasons you would keep distant from the most important person in your life? And speaking of reasons, we ALL have plenty of reasons for being alone, for being single, for creating separation or distance from our loved ones, but we ALSO have many reasons for choosing to create connection with them as well.

Perhaps you’re angry at your partner, or ex, and you are now choosing to hold onto resentment because you don’t trust anymore, or you are wallowing in self pity, perhaps you’re blaming them for your problems, or all your friends cheer you on that he/she was the asshole! Whoohoo, let’s bash down our most precious partner to make us feel justified that we were right. That feels OH so good! BullS!!!! Do you really want to be putting down the one person you are more connected to in your heart? Does it truly make you feel good about yourself that you’re pulling away because you’re angry? And perhaps, just perhaps they aren’t even angry at you at all. It’s you who has the anger or resentment in your heart. And that truly does just eat away at you. You can be filled by the energy of anger for months and even years, and it surely will give you lots of energy to continue to put down any potential of connection or love, but the rewards are SO much greater when you can shift and transcend this energy into forgiveness and then love, and allow this same person you have deeply cared about all this time back into your heart!

When you take the time to love the person you LOVE, what will you receive:

  • A knowing of forgiveness and an opening in your heart
  • The potential of falling in love all over again!
  • Peace of mind, joy and serenity
  • bliss
  • the return of GREAT sex
  • more energy to do the things you WANT and need to do
  • understanding of each other on a greater level
  • a best friend
  • knowing yourself at a greater level
  • better sleep
  • a calm mind
  • a sense of ease and satisfaction
  • LOVE!!!!

When you take the time to love the most important person in your life, you’re not only giving him/her the greatest gift, you’re also giving it to yourself as it returns back to you MULTIPLIED!!!!

I honor and celebrate all who can fall in love over and over and over again, or those who want to experience this to know IT IS possible in any moment. It’s your choice! Always, always choose love! It’s the greatest gift of all! And right now in our world, love is the greatest treasure to behold and the gift that will allow us to continue to shine! WE are our future, and our future is NOW! Choose love, and love will choose you!

Blessings and love and Namaste~

Awakening Passion With Art


Sometimes when inspiration calls, and there is no time for being alone or with a loved one, one way of expressing yourself is through the arts. And, in my experience, being with my little one, alone in our home, I took to my paint markers. And, in the process I found myself feeling excited for having completed a piece of art, even better that it was starting to look beautiful, and even more so that I did it myself and completed the task at hand.

Art is an excellent tool used for healing and there is a unique therapy specialized in Psychotherapy where some become trained as Art Therapists. I find myself drawn so deeply to Art Therapy and when I am in need of expressing my own passion, and I have a toddler running around to take care of and absolutely no privacy of my own, I like to fall to writing and in today’s case, my beautiful paint markers.

I love painting and have not done so in a long time, but it brings up the reminder of how much I love this and brings me in touch with the feelings of excitement and fulfillment just for having done a piece of art. Art in itself is therapeutic to the mind, soothing to the emotions and meditative to the spirit. As much as I can, I’m going to take the rest of today immersed back in my vibrant colors and put my creative passions to use. And, in the process I feel my own passion and excitement for life come back alive, and be filled with expression to another level again!

www.SexBlissLifeCoach.blogspot.com Asttarte Deva