What happens when the man you love starts losing interest. He doesn’t know how to show his feelings, or perhaps he chooses not to. Why men pull away and why does this downward spiral start happening? What can you do to avoid it?
Perhaps something gets triggered in him. You, as a woman pick up on this. You can sense it, feel it, and may even know why. But he may not. And men don’t like to be told what they are thinking, let alone what they may need to heal. They want to figure it out for themselves. They want to be left alone, and perhaps to sort out their own feelings in their own time. But we as women, don’t like to feel her man pull away. We get hurt too, from their distance, their absence and can sense something is wrong. However, to let him work through whatever it is that he may be feeling, perhaps is the best solution.
Men don’t want you to be his therapist, or healer. They want you to love him, hold him, nurture him. And, it can sometimes take weeks, or months of his distance of going through something. He wants to just know you are there for him. He wants to know you care, that you back him up, and can be patient.
Often, men like to know that the woman they love, will stand strong and proud of him, not insulting him, or making him wrong, and just believe in him. Why Men Pull Away: They want to feel secure and confident in their selves, and in the choice they made with their woman. In many ways, perhaps, they like to know that the woman he loves, will stand proud of him, as his mother did. And, if she cannot hold that security and confidence in him as his first female love did, perhaps his adult love is not good enough for him.
This then, is what starts the cycle to a man’s absence; feeling unaccepted, feeling invalidated, feel insecure, losing his confidence in himself, losing his power, when he loses control, and feels a woman doesn’t accept him as he is, wants to help him, fix him, change him, heal him. If he feels he can’t take care of his woman, doesn’t have the inner strength, courage, power, financial or emotional, and feels powerless over the situation. If he begins to feel these things within himself, and his woman triggers these feelings in him, often he will pull away from her. Many men don’t know why they feel this way, and his woman will want him to feel happy, strong and powerful, but not know why he doesn’t, or not know that her words can sting him into a hidden cocoon.
How can we then keep the man we love by our side? Empower him, support him, accept him, encourage him, love him…to be all he wants to be, whether thats loving you, or choosing to run miles away.
More to say on this…please comment if you feel guided.
Perhaps this is a post more geared for women, but I’m sure men will find benefit also. And, please comment if you have any response, feedback or opinion.
It’s amazing how after a relationship has gotten to a point of feeling so amazing that the connection is divinely pure, harmonious and feels magical, that once words are put on this, the relationship falls to the gutter. Perhaps people can’t handle putting words to what is happening. They see it as a threat, or they are afraid to admit what is actually going on. I call this a Love Poison. How can one person in the relationship feel so incredible and when words are shared, their partner feels like running and hiding?
How does this start in the first place?
Both partners are happy, filled with bliss, love and magic, and the connection feels beautiful. They hold each other often, kiss often, give each other affectionate touches and glances, and then the words cause one person to retract, or contract within themselves.
I’m going to go into Attachment styles again here. There are some people in our society who have a Healthy Attachment. This is when as a child, the infant and toddler received love and attention from the mother and primary parent, when it was desired, when the child cried, and asked for help. There was a balance of give and take and the child’s needs were met with ease, not too much, and not too little.
When a child was smothered and given too much attention and the parent was worried and frantically jumped to their childs needs right away or even before it was asked, the child can then become anxious. The child can also become anxious if he or she waited around crying constantly and not feeling heard, or feeling ignored and not having their needs met at all. They can then become anxious as well.
If a child was smothered and given attention all the time, even when it wasn’t wanted, the child can then become avoidant as an adult. If a child was forced into being affectionate, or yelled at by the parent, and didn’t want the affection and didn’t do anything wrong, but the parent is hyper possessive and protective, perhaps insecure or angry, it can also cause a child to become avoidant.
These three dynamics are just a subtle difference, but can cause all the difference in the child and eventual adult. And, most people don’t know where their behaviors stem from. They think they have to remain this way for the rest of their life, or at the most, manage it.
In the book, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner, it talks about the different attachment styles, and how to understand a partner who is an avoidant, and be more supportive to his or her emotional style. In the book, Anxious in Love, it talks about a person who becomes Anxious and how to heal oneself from this style and put less pressure on your partner who is not anxious, as well as exercises a couple can do together. I’m going to be studying more about this psychological concept on my own, and will share my studies here as inspired. Another good book, for the anxious adult, who grew up with absent parents, (emotionally or physically) is a great book called: The Emotionally Absent Mother; a guide to self healing and getting the love you missed.
Often, adults who have already healed traumas, childhood abuse, or perhaps a mental illness, would be ready to heal this type of treatment. If there are still unresolved traumas, or abuse within the system, one may not be ready to take on healing their core attachments with their significant caretakers. It takes many layers to unravel the self, and each process has its value and importance. When one is ready, the attachment style is a journey very worth undertaking, and leads one towards beautiful and healthy relationships, perhaps for the first time in their lives. I wish everyone to have the courage to heal all the layers of them-self, and to trust that each stage they are in, is exactly where they are meant to be!
You fall in love and are head over heels for someone. The man who adore is sweet, kind, open and loving. You spend weeks and weeks together enjoying each others company, and then all of a sudden you tell your man you love him, and all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t think its possible. He tells you its too soon. He wonders if the relationship is a good idea anymore. He thinks he needs to pull back and distance himself, and does so. You’re freeking out. The man you had such a glorious connection with all of a sudden pulls away just because you tell him he’s amazing and you love him. Where did he go? Why did he pull back? What did you do? How can you fix it?
The issue comes down to the core of a persons psyche, their nervous system breaks open and starts to flutter in a million directions. Their mind goes a million miles and starts overanalyzing as a way to try to figure it out or protect itself. It comes down to attachment styles, and the source of someone’s attachment behaviors, where they came from, how they developed and what is safe for one person is terrifying to another.
We grew up in a certain household and developed attachment with our parents in a specific way based on who our parents were to us, how they treated us, and if they were too close or too far away when we needed them. Based on how this showed up as a child, we become a certain attachment style and the way we interact as an adult in relationship is exactly matched to what we needed as a child. It comes down to healing the inner child, and healing this attachment style. Not many people come to this place of healing their own attachment style. They think they are the way they are, and have to be with someone who won’t trigger their deeper wounds. But those deeper wounds are the core of the issues. The fears from either getting too close, or pulling too far back.
So the man you love, and you shared your feelings with wants to sabotage the relationship, and you try to fix it, by speaking soothing words, saying nice things, and backing off in words that will scare or trigger him. But you’re left with your own anxiety from him pulling away. And that too scares him. So, the solution is for both parties to heal both attachment styles; avoidant attachment who needs to pull away, and anxious attachment who is afraid of loss and needs to be close. Both need to develop inner security, confidence in their self love, and know that their partner still loves them, but is temporarily putting out signals and words of their own inner wounds and fear.
How can this be healed? How can someone heal their own inner attachment style?
The first thing is awareness!!!!
The next thing is being responsible!!!! Taking action and accountability for ones own behaviors and feelings and knowing they might be self sabotaging something great!
Take a step back and reflect on ones own fears!
Call a therapist who deals with attachment styles; particularly anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
Go to a support group!
Meditate and calm your nervous system.
Keep getting together and stay in communication!!!!
Show each other you care by your actions and not as much your words! Have fun together and show each other you care!
All my Love and onward journey of healing and growth!
Don’t give up when you’ve just begun! This is where things go from challenging to amazing!
How you nurture yourself all depends on what it is you are dealing with in your personal life.
Are you dealing with health matters?
Are you having relationship challenges and feeling your partner at arms length?
Is your family avoiding you and ignoring you or your feelings?
Are you having a higher level of stress and anxiety than normal?
Are you feeling more angry than normal, more tired than normal?
Are you feeling isolated, alone, sad?
How do you nurture yourself in these different situations? They each have different paths one would take to feel better, heal, come to solutions or happiness depending on the circumstance.
The first thing that is helpful is to do a daily meditation practice. You can start with 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, or 30 minutes. Just that short window of time will make you feel so much better. some people like to jump in and start with an hour. If you have the time, go for the hour. If not, try a smaller time frame.
Then do something that’s going to nurture your soul, perhaps a new spiritual practice, such as yoga, chakra healing, reading a spiritual book, learning about angels, crystals, breath work, or even getting acupuncture, massage or a reiki treatment.
Another excellent practice is drinking a specific tea that is helpful for your situation. There are many teas on the market, and many you can make at home. Most teas are made with natural herbs and are a cheaper solution than buying multiple bottles of different herbs, or oils. Herbs and essential oils can be costly when buying in bulk, but teas are very affordable. Try to match your situation with the type of tea that would be helpful for that. If you don’t know, try seeking a tea expert, an herbalist, or feel free to reach out to me for suggestions.
Next, write down everything that is going on. It is very helpful to write down your feelings, and using your writing as a sort of therapy. Writing is very cathartic and sometimes when you write down what you feel, what happened, and the situation, it can help you let it go and feel so much better about things. Then you are able to move on from it, and almost feel empowered that you expressed yourself. Some people don’t like to write, but try pushing yourself a little, via a wordpress document, in notes on your computer, or even writing in a spiral notebook or nice journal book. It sometimes feels very good to write things down with a real pen or pencil. It touches a different part of the brain and releases energy pent up in your throat and lower chakras, believe it or not. It’s not going to have the same benefit as a meditation, or chakra healing, but it is still quite powerful.
Are you an artist, musician or do you like doing things with your hands? This could be a great way to nurture your inner self, and help get through a challenging event, experience, or point in your life. You don’t have to be an expert. As long as you do it, put your heart into it and are intentional, anything you do can be helpful, and in the end, amazing!
What is it you are dealing with? Talk to me here! I’m happy to respond!
If your best friend, your lover, (husband, boyfriend, wife or girlfriend) is also your abuser, people may have told you time and time again to just leave the jerk. And if you looked at them with perplexed eyes, feeling despair and hopelessness, because that one action seemed impossible, you are right! It is nearly impossible!
Leaving your lover, who is also your best friend, and is also your abuser, and is the one thing that scares you, threatens you, and risks your life on a daily basis, the decision of leaving may be impossible. Or, if you have tried leaving, perhaps they used their sexy charm and manipulation to win you back, just when you were catching on to their seduction, abuse, and lies.
Perhaps when you had made requests of intimacy time and time again, and they made excuse after excuse not to be intimate, and you got fed up, left, started dating others, were even starting new relationships, or attempting to, and they jumped in, only to stir your emotions again, dangle their carrot, and seduce you back into the bedroom again. Perhaps you caught on to their pattern of luring you in only after you had waited months and months, and then when they finally had you, they withdrew their love again, pushed you away, and became rageful, hurtful and even vengeful when you made requests to be intimate, or didn’t understand where their anger was coming from!
In the book, The Manipulative Man, by: Dorothy McCoy, Ed.D, it says:
Arrogant men are an annoyance. Narcissistic men and Womanizers turn our lives into a challenging game, as we attempt to stay ahead of their scheming, self-indulgent behavior. Beyond annoyance and challenge, we enter the darker side of human nature — violence. Hostile men would crush our spirits and redefine “who we are” as “who we should be.” Their view of relationships is dominance over driven and idiosyncratic.
After my husband had left to the mid west, going out there to plant seeds of getting a place to live and work, for our family, he arrived home and switched gears. He became a completely different person. His facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and goals all had changed. I was still in the mind-set of the goals we had prior. He had a different agenda. I had missed him, and wanted intimacy, to be close to him. I ignored the warning signs that he had switched, and in the moment he touched me, I saw his disassociation, and he crossed my boundaries, touching me aggressively and hurt me. His words, “I’m tired of you wanting to be gentle. My fingers like to be just as aggressive as my mouth.” In the moment I froze, and stayed quiet, as I figured out he had changed, and became someone evil.
The book states also, Intimidation is a crude, primitive form of manipulation employed by men who must control and dominate, much as other men must breathe. In most cases, these men will not change and they certainly won’t change to please us.
I tried to explain to him, that his touching was hurtful and to please be gentle, but he couldn’t hear me. He wasn’t listening, and it felt as though he wasn’t even in his own body. I felt his anger and distaste for my words, and no soothing words I spoke made any difference. The only solution was to pull away, and instead of responding in anger as a normal person would, I knew I had to protect myself from the rage I could feel he was feeling. I went in to speaking to him, as a counselor, asking why he was angry and where it was coming from, and assuring him that perhaps something happened while he was away that upset him. He continued in his denial of his feelings, and I remained calm and centered so as to not anger him further. Instead of standing up for myself or protecting myself, I knew that would enrage him further than he already was.
Our goals must then be revised to accommodate this new circumstance (violence). Then, our new goals become (1) to avoid pain and injury and (2) to gain independence from the violent male. If you believe it is easy to leave a violent man, you have been given inaccurate information. Women in strongly aggressive relationships are more at risk when they attempt to leave or after they leave.
It’s been one year since my abuser and I have separated. I’m starting to slowly gain back my spirit and power. It is true, I was in a funk and had anxiety during the first 6 months of separation, as my body was adjusting to leaving what it was used to constantly needing to defend. During the time he left to mid-west, and after the filing of protection and separation from him for nearly 2 months, all darkness of the truth was revealed to the light, and I had awareness more than I had in the last 10 years. I knew he was mentally ill, and may never get better or get help. And, I knew I had to leave the relationship for the last time (lest he ever prove to me that he had begun treatment, therapy or done something extraordinary to heal his mental condition).
In my heart he is still my best friend, however co-parenting is much healthier and safer without stirring intimacy into the mix, so as to avoid any intimacy triggers that will push him over the edge back into his abusive behaviors once again. It’s best to leave those triggers at bay, and create intimacy with others who have a healthy relationship with love and sexuality. Let’s create the least stressful life as possible, and the most ease! It’s been a long ten year journey, to finally be ready (and able) to walk away from someone who showed red flags within the first three weeks. Next time, it’s time to listen to them!
And perhaps too, he’s giving me a gift this time. By rejecting me he’s actually keeping me from repeating the cycle. There just might be a part of him that is healthy, that he knows he is incapable of loving me without chaos. I’m grateful for his rejection. It’s giving me a chance to let go.
I realize this blog post is off topic to the theme of this blog, however, I decided to be bold, honest and tell the truth. After all, we’re talking about sex and relationships aren’t we? I’m feeling my writers block starting to dissipate, and I am in fear of sharing the truth no longer! I have been working on creating videos on my TrueTantra.net site, and wrote a post when I was in the midst of grieving and detoxing this situation months ago at IntuitiveSoulHealings.com/relationship-trauma-anxiety/. I actually had writers block all year because of this. And started to tackle some personal health matters I am passionate about. I shifted gears to writing a funny children’s story while waiting for my writers block to disappear, and this here is perhaps my first truth writing where I can see things clearly, and the dark cloud I was in all year is finally gone! Don’t think I’m in a funk anymore, because I’m not! It just takes me a while to write, and usually its after all is well done and over, revealing what I had overcome! So, this is my writing in sharing, I have overcome this, and am truly grateful! We all have our journey’s! (And yes, I’ll continue to work on this journey while coming back to my passion and what I love…my spiritual and tantric life and love for sharing!)
Do you make the time to be alone with your beloved husband or boyfriend (or girlfriend if you a lesbian)? Do you create quality time despite the fact that you have a job, or a family, or a career, are self employed, need to go grocery shopping, do the laundry, meet with your girlfriends and relax just to be with you, or any other number of reasons you would keep distant from the most important person in your life? And speaking of reasons, we ALL have plenty of reasons for being alone, for being single, for creating separation or distance from our loved ones, but we ALSO have many reasons for choosing to create connection with them as well.
Perhaps you’re angry at your partner, or ex, and you are now choosing to hold onto resentment because you don’t trust anymore, or you are wallowing in self pity, perhaps you’re blaming them for your problems, or all your friends cheer you on that he/she was the asshole! Whoohoo, let’s bash down our most precious partner to make us feel justified that we were right. That feels OH so good! BullS!!!! Do you really want to be putting down the one person you are more connected to in your heart? Does it truly make you feel good about yourself that you’re pulling away because you’re angry? And perhaps, just perhaps they aren’t even angry at you at all. It’s you who has the anger or resentment in your heart. And that truly does just eat away at you. You can be filled by the energy of anger for months and even years, and it surely will give you lots of energy to continue to put down any potential of connection or love, but the rewards are SO much greater when you can shift and transcend this energy into forgiveness and then love, and allow this same person you have deeply cared about all this time back into your heart!
When you take the time to love the person you LOVE, what will you receive:
A knowing of forgiveness and an opening in your heart
The potential of falling in love all over again!
Peace of mind, joy and serenity
the return of GREAT sex
more energy to do the things you WANT and need to do
understanding of each other on a greater level
a best friend
knowing yourself at a greater level
a calm mind
a sense of ease and satisfaction
When you take the time to love the most important person in your life, you’re not only giving him/her the greatest gift, you’re also giving it to yourself as it returns back to you MULTIPLIED!!!!
I honor and celebrate all who can fall in love over and over and over again, or those who want to experience this to know IT IS possible in any moment. It’s your choice! Always, always choose love! It’s the greatest gift of all! And right now in our world, love is the greatest treasure to behold and the gift that will allow us to continue to shine! WE are our future, and our future is NOW! Choose love, and love will choose you!
What if you’re still healing and there’s someone you love who’s worse off than you?
If you’re still healing, then all the more reason to be a motivation for the person you love. If you’re still healing, you have wisdom and experience they don’t quite understand. You can help them stick to their commitment to heal. You could be their guiding force, while you’re still taking control of your own life and helping yourself. They say, “one must help themselves before they can help another.” Yes, this is true, and when you have helped yourself, and have some experience, and there is another human being dear to you, you have the wisdom to make the assessment if they need help, and can make simple suggestions based on your view of them what they might be drawn to, or some simple paths to start. And, if you don’t, you just might know some people who can lead the way instead.
When you’re still healing and you also want to help someone else, great! You’re on the journey, you’re on the path, and no one is perfect. If you’re still alive, you’ll probably always be healing, or always be growing toward greater enlightenment, greater fulfillment and greater peace within yourself.
Sometimes, when you’re still healing, it makes you feel so much better about yourself, when you can support another as well. When you take the focus off of yourself for a while, it can be an instant boost to your own confidence, and sometimes shifting focus alone can make one feel especially good and loved!