Attachment Styles

Attachment Styles

 Attachment StylesAttachment Styles

You fall in love and are head over heels for someone. The man who adore is sweet, kind, open and loving. You spend weeks and weeks together enjoying each others company, and then all of a sudden you tell your man you love him, and all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t think its possible. He tells you its too soon. He wonders if the relationship is a good idea anymore. He thinks he needs to pull back and distance himself, and does so. You’re freeking out. The man you had such a glorious connection with all of a sudden pulls away just because you tell him he’s amazing and you love him. Where did he go? Why did he pull back? What did you do? How can you fix it?

The issue comes down to the core of a persons psyche, their nervous system breaks open and starts to flutter in a million directions. Their mind goes a million miles and starts overanalyzing as a way to try to figure it out or protect itself. It comes down to attachment styles, and the source of someone’s attachment behaviors, where they came from, how they developed and what is safe for one person is terrifying to another.

We grew up in a certain household and developed attachment with our parents in a specific way based on who our parents were to us, how they treated us, and if they were too close or too far away when we needed them. Based on how this showed up as a child, we become a certain attachment style and the way we interact as an adult in relationship is exactly matched to what we needed as a child. It comes down to healing the inner child, and healing this attachment style. Not many people come to this place of healing their own attachment style. They think they are the way they are, and have to be with someone who won’t trigger their deeper wounds. But those deeper wounds are the core of the issues. The fears from either getting too close, or pulling too far back.

So the man you love, and you shared your feelings with wants to sabotage the relationship, and you try to fix it, by speaking soothing words, saying nice things, and backing off in words that will scare or trigger him. But you’re left with your own anxiety from him pulling away. And that too scares him. So, the solution is for both parties to heal both attachment styles; avoidant attachment who needs to pull away, and anxious attachment who is afraid of loss and needs to be close. Both need to develop inner security, confidence in their self love, and know that their partner still loves them, but is temporarily putting out signals and words of their own inner wounds and fear.

How can this be healed? How can someone heal their own inner attachment style?

The first thing is awareness!!!!

The next thing is being responsible!!!! Taking action and accountability for ones own behaviors and feelings and knowing they might be self sabotaging something great!

Take a step back and reflect on ones own fears!

Call a therapist who deals with attachment styles; particularly anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.

Go to a support group!

Meditate and calm your nervous system.

Keep getting together and stay in communication!!!!

Show each other you care by your actions and not as much your words! Have fun together and show each other you care!

All my Love and onward journey of healing and growth!

Don’t give up when you’ve just begun! This is where things go from challenging to amazing!

Asttarte

How All Sessions Go

how all sessions goHow All Sessions Go

No matter what you’re looking for, no matter what your focus is, your goals, intentions, or needs, or “program” you feel fits you best, we will always have a conversation and coaching part of a session, prior to anything else. Before meeting, we will have a pre-screening process to determine your level of spiritual experience, interest and what your next steps of spiritual growth are. Then we determine if we are going deeper into a spiritual healing session (which always precedes any tantra work), or if we are doing more of a Coaching Session, which always precedes any Sex or Intimacy Coaching as well.

Even if someone is coming for health reasons, holistic healing, general massage, or emotional healing (such as grief work, anxiety, depression, anger, a break up, a death in the family, a challenge with their relationship or their sexual concerns), we will still have a coaching aspect to any session.

If someone comes for Erectile Dysfunction, or Pre-mature Ejaculation, we will still have Coaching and/or Counseling prior to any Session, to determine if it is energetic and emotional reasons, or health related, and the best approach to take.

If someone comes for Intimacy Issues and is manifesting the wrong partner, we will go into Coaching, to determine what the pattern is, the history of all relationships, the types of relationships manifested, and the common theme of what all the issues in those relationships come up. We may do emotional healing or energy clearing to release the blocks to the previous partners, or go into a Cuddle Session and Chakra Healing work, however, Coaching and all sorts of talking is part of the session, and is addressed in the same session.

Prior to any hands on or touching aspect of any session, spiritual healing work takes place. Often it is a meditation, chakra clearing session, or a tantra meditation, however, there are other tools used prior to hands on work that may be needed, but it is not determined what is best until after meeting and the issues that are important to work on. (And, if a talking aspect to a session is needed and takes a larger amount of time, and then a spiritual healing is needed after, a longer session would be recommended, or multiple sessions to get all aspects covered).

Sometimes Reiki or Aura Clearing is needed in order to do any hands on work. Reiki energy helps moves the energetic blocks and frees up the space around a person so they radiate a higher frequency. The energy around a person is often more significant then their physical body, and any layers that are guarded or heavy will need cleansing before physical touch and closeness. If someone’s energy is too heavy, too chaotic, anxious or fear based, I will either suggest seeking solely Spiritual Healing (with myself or another practitioner first), or a professional therapist to do emotional healing work (or they can work with me on this level also if they feel comfortable). Then after these layers have been addressed, we can move into more physical healing work.

The page Spiritual Healing Coaching talks more about healing the aura, energy body, and spiritual healing. Every step counts and one leads to the next layer of creating a full body experience of bliss, joy, and profound peace and satisfaction!

And even working on healing the emotional layers of a person, can certainly and DEFINITELY take one to joy! Underneath all challenging feelings is love, and no matter what lays on top, love is always waiting!

Sexy Charming and Abusive

Sexy Charming and Abusive

Charming-Man-1440x900-wide-wallpapers.net
A real abuser is always sexy, charming and immature. (mine was as sexy as him)

Sexy Charming and Abusive

If your best friend, your lover, (husband, boyfriend, wife or girlfriend) is also your abuser, people may have told you time and time again to just leave the jerk.  And if you looked at them with perplexed eyes, feeling despair and hopelessness, because that one action seemed impossible, you are right! It is nearly impossible!

Leaving your lover, who is also your best friend, and is also your abuser, and is the one thing that scares you, threatens you, and risks your life on a daily basis, the decision of leaving may be impossible. Or, if you have tried leaving, perhaps they used their sexy charm and manipulation to win you back, just when you were catching on to their seduction, abuse, and lies.

Perhaps when you had made requests of intimacy time and time again, and they made excuse after excuse not to be intimate, and you got fed up, left, started dating others, were even starting new relationships, or attempting to, and they jumped in, only to stir your emotions again, dangle their carrot, and seduce you back into the bedroom again. Perhaps you caught on to their pattern of luring you in only after you had waited months and months, and then when they finally had you, they withdrew their love again, pushed you away, and became rageful, hurtful and even vengeful when you made requests to be intimate, or didn’t understand where their anger was coming from!

In the book, The Manipulative Man, by: Dorothy McCoy, Ed.D, it says:

Arrogant men are an annoyance. Narcissistic men and Womanizers turn our lives into a challenging game, as we attempt to stay ahead of their scheming, self-indulgent behavior. Beyond annoyance and challenge, we enter the darker side of human nature — violence. Hostile men would crush our spirits and redefine “who we are” as “who we should be.” Their view of relationships is dominance over driven and idiosyncratic.

After my husband had left to the mid west, going out there to plant seeds of getting a place to live and work, for our family, he arrived home and switched gears. He became a completely different person. His facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and goals all had changed. I was still in the mind-set of the goals we had prior. He had a different agenda. I had missed him, and wanted intimacy, to be close to him. I ignored the warning signs that he had switched, and in the moment he touched me, I saw his disassociation, and he crossed my boundaries, touching me aggressively and hurt me. His words, “I’m tired of you wanting to be gentle. My fingers like to be just as aggressive as my mouth.” In the moment I froze, and stayed quiet, as I figured out he had changed, and became someone evil.

The book states also, Intimidation is a crude, primitive form of manipulation employed by men who must control and dominate, much as other men must breathe. In most cases, these men will not change and they certainly won’t change to please us.

I tried to explain to him, that his touching was hurtful and to please be gentle, but he couldn’t hear me. He wasn’t listening, and it felt as though he wasn’t even in his own body. I felt his anger and distaste for my words, and no soothing words I spoke made any difference. The only solution was to pull away, and instead of responding in anger as a normal person would, I knew I had to protect myself from the rage I could feel he was feeling. I went in to speaking to him, as a counselor, asking why he was angry and where it was coming from, and assuring him that perhaps something happened while he was away that upset him. He continued in his denial of his feelings, and I remained calm and centered so as to not anger him further. Instead of standing up for myself or protecting myself, I knew that would enrage him further than he already was.

Our goals must then be revised to accommodate this new circumstance (violence). Then, our new goals become (1) to avoid pain and injury and (2) to gain independence from the violent male. If you believe it is easy to leave a violent man, you have been given inaccurate information. Women in strongly aggressive relationships are more at risk when they attempt to leave or after they leave.

It’s been one year since my abuser and I have separated. I’m starting to slowly gain back my spirit and power. It is true, I was in a funk and had anxiety during the first 6 months of separation, as my body was adjusting to leaving what it was used to constantly needing to defend. During the time he left to mid-west, and after the filing of protection and separation from him for nearly 2 months, all darkness of the truth was revealed to the light, and I had awareness more than I had in the last 10 years. I knew he was mentally ill, and may never get better or get help. And, I knew I had to leave the relationship for the last time (lest he ever prove to me that he had begun treatment, therapy or done something extraordinary to heal his mental condition).

In my heart he is still my best friend, however co-parenting is much healthier and safer without stirring intimacy into the mix, so as to avoid any intimacy triggers that will push him over the edge back into his abusive behaviors once again. It’s best to leave those triggers at bay, and create intimacy with others who have a healthy relationship with love and sexuality. Let’s create the least stressful life as possible, and the most ease! It’s been a long ten year journey, to finally be ready (and able) to walk away from someone who showed red flags within the first three weeks. Next time, it’s time to listen to them!

And perhaps too, he’s giving me a gift this time. By rejecting me he’s actually keeping me from repeating the cycle. There just might be a part of him that is healthy, that he knows he is incapable of loving me without chaos. I’m grateful for his rejection. It’s giving me a chance to let go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realize this blog post is off topic to the theme of this blog, however, I decided to be bold, honest and tell the truth. After all, we’re talking about sex and relationships aren’t we? I’m feeling my writers block starting to dissipate, and I am in fear of sharing the truth no longer! I have been working on creating videos on my TrueTantra.net site, and wrote a post when I was in the midst of grieving and detoxing this situation months ago at IntuitiveSoulHealings.com/relationship-trauma-anxiety/. I actually had writers block all year because of this. And started to tackle some personal health matters I am passionate about. I shifted gears to writing a funny children’s story while waiting for my writers block to disappear, and this here is perhaps my first truth writing where I can see things clearly, and the dark cloud I was in all year is finally gone! Don’t think I’m in a funk anymore, because I’m not! It just takes me a while to write, and usually its after all is well done and over, revealing what I had overcome! So, this is my writing in sharing, I have overcome this, and am truly grateful! We all have our journey’s! (And yes, I’ll continue to work on this journey while coming back to my passion and what I love…my spiritual and tantric life and love for sharing!)

If this post has any relevance to you, check out psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com. It’s FILLED with helpful information!

Diet and Stress

Diet and Stress

Diet and StressDiet and Stress

Many people use food as a de-stressor when they are upset or down about things. That could mean that they eat more, or they eat less. Having any relationship to food, whether its avoiding it, or putting more attention on it, is a relationship with food.

A larger emphasis on our society focuses on the people who put more attention on food when they are stressed; eating more, binging, overeating even when they are full, or doing nothing but sitting and eating. But what about the people who are stressed and use food as something to avoid?

“I’m not really that hungry.”

“I ate enough, thank you!”

“I’m watching my weight now.”

“That doesn’t taste good anymore.”

When someone is in a new situation, a changed situation, or their life has altered completely, and they say some of these things, consider that they might just be in shock (and really not even know it), are upset about something, and don’t have the words to talk about it.

Any change in diet at all, is a change, and often a means for that person to handle the stress they are experiencing in their life. If you are close to a loved one who’s diet has changed, and you notice it, say something. Encourage them to tell someone and ask for support. They may just need to talk about their feelings, gain a little understanding on the change in lifestyle, feel alone and neglected, harboring anger at themselves or others, or maybe they don’t know how they are feeling at all.

Acupuncture, actually is an excellent practice for clearing the blocks in the body and regaining balance in one’s energy system quickly, and returning to their normal diet. If you’re the person who has changed your diet, consider your feelings, and take into account that they matter. Talk to someone. Start a journal, a meditation practice or even yoga!

For some people, change is a very difficult thing to accept, and during the time of adjusting to the acceptance, a little support goes a long way!

Relationship Trauma & Anxiety

Relationship Trauma & Anxiety

relationship trauma & anxiety

Relationship Trauma & Anxiety

For the past three months, my life has altered in a dramatic way. Things happened that I had no expectation or awareness they could, and life has taken an unexpected turn. Something happened very personal, that caused me to have to take a serious measure and a stand for myself and my son. I had to file for Protection against a man I have loved profoundly for the past nine years, and a man I thought had loved me in return. I had no idea what the results would be with this action. I had no idea if I would gain the protection I sought, or what would then follow if I had not. Although, I knew I needed to take a stand. I knew enough was enough. And, I knew the stand was more for my son than for myself.

A forced legal custody arrangement was placed on the spot immediately following my inability to acquire the permanent protection, and my body was manifesting symptoms I had no control over. All the meditation, prayer and energy work I did on myself could not stop this process. All the prayers I did for him could not stop this process.

During the time of the temporary protection (around a month and 1/2), I became super clear I had been in love with a mad man, and someone who has extreme mental illness. It became clear I had spent years trying to help him heal, and he was in utter denial he needed it, and in utter denial there was a reason for him to seek any form of help that could be a solution, albeit temporary to his dangerous psychosis. I am very clear this man has Bipolar, as one of the many aspects to his behavior, however, that aspect would be a gift if that was all it was. I am not a Clinical doctor (yet), but I am very aware of personality disorders, disassociation, mental illness and mental health. If I could be the fairy that waved her magic wand over this sad unconscious soul, I would have done it years ago. And, in many ways, I tried, granted unsuccessfully.

It would make sense that stress or anxiety (and even symptoms of PTSD) could show up when anyone has to deal with another person of this character (sociopathic/psychopathic/schizoid/anti-social/depression). Thankfully I’m so proactively working on myself I don’t have the extreme of ptsd in my system, but considerable anxiety has had its way of taking over.

How could anxiety show up and manifest when dealing with such an extreme person?

It could show up as:

hyperventilating (or panic attacks)

hives

insomnia

loss of appetite (or increase)

isolation

depression (lethargy)

fear

serious disconnection from spirit (or spiritual practices)/loss of faith in God

energy blockages/energy stuck/cloudiness

During an intense change in a relationship, when you were going on a certain path and direction with someone you loved, with goals of marriage, living together and family, and then the sick person you love takes a sudden turn and changes their mood, behavior, feelings toward you from deep love to utter distance, changes the way they walk, talk and act, and becomes abusive and attacks you and those you love, having symptoms such as the ones above are extremely normal. Don’t let this delusional person tell you any different! If they start pointing fingers that there’s something wrong with you, that’s only confirmation of their illness.

My symptoms manifested mostly as hives, and I studied everything I could to determine how to treat this. My own research was far more successful and helpful than going to my doctor. I found home remedies online, and these were the most successful that I tried: (I also added my own techniques here as well)

oatmeal baths

cool or cold compresses

the herb nettle (can be found at a health food store)

fish oil capsules

meditation and relaxation (and deep breathing)

chamomile essential oil (most awesome was Wild Chamomile Oil; more expensive but fantastic). German Chamomile Oil, and Roman Chamomile Oil. The oils in jojoba oil do work and if they are all you can afford, get it. The pure oils of course are more potent! This helps with anxiety, stress, sleep and throughout the day.

chamomile tea (not as strong as the oil, but nice)

valerian herbal remedy

determining food triggers

witch hazel (helped only slightly)

Bach flower essences (rescue remedy and others you are drawn to)

Cosmic Love Essence

Healing Sessions, Reiki, Energy Healing (receive from friends or healers, and do self healing if you are trained as well)

Chakra Balancing (meditation, working with crystals, pendulum balancing, yoga, etc).

Relaxing Baths

Prayer

Therapy, EMDR, Psychotherapy, Support Groups, Group Therapy, Counseling

Landmark (landmarkworldwide.com)

A Course in Miracles

Hanging out with friends and family

Reading, movies,

Exercise, yoga, rock climbing, skating, walking, staying active, etc.

Walking outside in cool or cold air

Anything that makes YOU happy!

 

Stages After Leaving the Abuser Could Be (in quotes taken from The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table):

frightened – “that the same thing will happen again, or that you might lose control of your feelings and break down”, that he will hurt you again, and your love for him is too strong to stay away.

helpless – “that something really bad happened and you could do nothing about it, leaving you feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed”, that you can’t control how powerful he is, in his vindictive ways, his seductive ways, and his false image of love.

angry – “about what has happened and at whoever was responsible”, and at those who took his side and didn’t believe you, at yourself for trying to help him, and who didn’t protect you or your child

guilty – “that you could have done something to prevent it”, when he shows love for you again, when he finally says he’s sorry, that you shouldn’t have given up on trying to help him to get help

sad – “particularly if you or other people (your children, perhaps) have been affected”, sad in particular that your child will be exposed to this man for the rest of his life, and you may not be able to protect him, sad and scared your child could be fated to become just like him.

ashamed or embarrassed – “that you have strong feelings you can’t control, especially if you need others to support you”. I am happy to accept the help when it comes my way, but this may be relevant for others. Ashamed that I as a Healer, could not see this or prevent it.

relieved – “that the danger is over and that the cause of the danger is gone”. I have come to this point, however, there’s always the risk that he will become like this again, he changes several times a year (or every other year depending on his triggers) into a new person. When co-parenting, there is no escaping; only managing. It’s best to stay friends and minimize reasons for him to become triggered.

hopeful – “that your life will return to normal; people start to feel more positive about things quite soon after a trauma”. Every person is different. If it was a repeated trauma, or a long term relationship, it could take longer than ‘soon’ as this book says! This perhaps is the less severe case, and milder psychosis. You can’t always agree with everything in a book.

The process of grieving, however, does come to an end, and one can assume they will come back to balance, so long as they don’t return to the relationship as it was. If, in all this effort, he does get some help, I will be grateful, however, with his assumed imbalances (chemical, non-chemical and untreated), it is not likely he will ever heal, or heal completely. The best solution, is gaining strength and power and protecting myself for when he does change again, because most likely he will…in due time. You can’t ever trust a psychopath or a narcissist to stay sweet. Assume he’s only doing doing that, to try to get something, or win whatever game he’s playing. And a Psychopath/or Anti-Social/or Mama’s Boy, is almost always also bipolar, so don’t expect him to stay the way he is right now. You never know when he’ll change his mind!

In God and Goddess’s Arms,

Asttarte

 

Extremely helpful books:

The Manipulative Man, Identify his Behavior, Counter his Abuse, Regain Control,  by: Dorothy McCoy, Ed.D.

Psychopaths and Love, by A.B. Admin

The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table; Recognizing and Dealing with Antisocial and Manipulative People, by: Dr. Jane McGregor & Tim McGregor

Women Who Love Psychopaths; Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths, & Narcissists, by: Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Why Does He Do That; Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men, by: Lundy Bancroft

When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, by: Lundy Bancroft

Stop Spinning, Start Breathing; Managing the Memories that Keep us Addicted, by: Zari Ballard

Who’s Pulling your Strings; How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life, by: Harriet B. Braiker, PhD.

Emotional Vampires; Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, by: Albert J. Bernstein, PhD

When Love is A Lie; Narcissistic Partners & the Pathological Relationship Agenda, by: Zari Ballard

Other Helpful Books:

Narcissistic Lovers; How to Cope, Recover and Move On, by: Cynthia Zayn & Kevin Dibble, M.S.

Why is It Always About You; the Seven early Sins of Narcissism, by: Sandy Hotchkiss, LCSW

Disarming the Narcissist; Surviving & Thriving with the Self Absorbed, by: Wendy T. Behary, LCSW

The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists; Coping with the One Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family, by: Eleanor D. Payson, MSW

Boundaries and Relationships; Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, by: Charles L. Whitfield, MD

The Object of my Affection is In My Reflection; Coping with Narcissists, by: Rockelle Lerner

The Enabler; when helping hurts the ones you love, by: Angelyn Miller, MA

Where to Draw the Line; How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day, by: Anne Katherine, MA

Women Who Love Too Much; When you Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change, by: Robin Norwood

Coming Apart; Why Relationships End & how to live through the ending of yours, by: Daphne Rose Kingma

I Know This Much Is True, by: Wally Lamb (Oprah’s Book Club)