Relationships and Fear

Relationships and Fear

Relationships and FearRelationships and Fear

It’s amazing how after a relationship has gotten to a point of feeling so amazing that the connection is divinely pure, harmonious and feels magical, that once words are put on this, the relationship falls to the gutter. Perhaps people can’t handle putting words to what is happening. They see it as a threat, or they are afraid to admit what is actually going on. I call this a Love Poison. How can one person in the relationship feel so incredible and when words are shared, their partner feels like running and hiding?

How does this start in the first place?

Both partners are happy, filled with bliss, love and magic, and the connection feels beautiful. They hold each other often, kiss often, give each other affectionate touches and glances, and then the words cause one person to retract, or contract within themselves.

I’m going to go into Attachment styles again here. There are some people in our society who have a Healthy Attachment. This is when as a child, the infant and toddler received love and attention from the mother and primary parent, when it was desired, when the child cried, and asked for help. There was a balance of give and take and the child’s needs were met with ease, not too much, and not too little.

When a child was smothered and given too much attention and the parent was worried and frantically jumped to their childs needs right away or even before it was asked, the child can then become anxious. The child can also become anxious if he or she waited around crying constantly and not feeling heard, or feeling ignored and not having their needs met at all. They can then become anxious as well.

If a child was smothered and given attention all the time, even when it wasn’t wanted, the child can then become avoidant as an adult. If a child was forced into being affectionate, or yelled at by the parent, and didn’t want the affection and didn’t do anything wrong, but the parent is hyper possessive and protective, perhaps insecure or angry, it can also cause a child to become avoidant.

These three dynamics are just a subtle difference, but can cause all the difference in the child and eventual adult. And, most people don’t know where their behaviors stem from. They think they have to remain this way for the rest of their life, or at the most, manage it.

In the book, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner, it talks about the different attachment styles, and how to understand a partner who is an avoidant, and be more supportive to his or her emotional style. In the book, Anxious in Love, it talks about a person who becomes Anxious and how to heal oneself from this style and put less pressure on your partner who is not anxious, as well as exercises a couple can do together. I’m going to be studying more about this psychological concept on my own, and will share my studies here as inspired. Another good book, for the anxious adult, who grew up with absent parents, (emotionally or physically) is a great book called: The Emotionally Absent Mother; a guide to self healing and getting the love you missed.

Often, adults who have already healed traumas, childhood abuse, or perhaps a mental illness, would be ready to heal this type of treatment. If there are still unresolved traumas, or abuse within the system, one may not be ready to take on healing their core attachments with their significant caretakers. It takes many layers to unravel the self, and each process has its value and importance. When one is ready, the attachment style is a journey very worth undertaking, and leads one towards beautiful and healthy relationships, perhaps for the first time in their lives. I wish everyone to have the courage to heal all the layers of them-self, and to trust that each stage they are in, is exactly where they are meant to be!

Attachment Styles

Attachment Styles

 Attachment StylesAttachment Styles

You fall in love and are head over heels for someone. The man who adore is sweet, kind, open and loving. You spend weeks and weeks together enjoying each others company, and then all of a sudden you tell your man you love him, and all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t think its possible. He tells you its too soon. He wonders if the relationship is a good idea anymore. He thinks he needs to pull back and distance himself, and does so. You’re freeking out. The man you had such a glorious connection with all of a sudden pulls away just because you tell him he’s amazing and you love him. Where did he go? Why did he pull back? What did you do? How can you fix it?

The issue comes down to the core of a persons psyche, their nervous system breaks open and starts to flutter in a million directions. Their mind goes a million miles and starts overanalyzing as a way to try to figure it out or protect itself. It comes down to attachment styles, and the source of someone’s attachment behaviors, where they came from, how they developed and what is safe for one person is terrifying to another.

We grew up in a certain household and developed attachment with our parents in a specific way based on who our parents were to us, how they treated us, and if they were too close or too far away when we needed them. Based on how this showed up as a child, we become a certain attachment style and the way we interact as an adult in relationship is exactly matched to what we needed as a child. It comes down to healing the inner child, and healing this attachment style. Not many people come to this place of healing their own attachment style. They think they are the way they are, and have to be with someone who won’t trigger their deeper wounds. But those deeper wounds are the core of the issues. The fears from either getting too close, or pulling too far back.

So the man you love, and you shared your feelings with wants to sabotage the relationship, and you try to fix it, by speaking soothing words, saying nice things, and backing off in words that will scare or trigger him. But you’re left with your own anxiety from him pulling away. And that too scares him. So, the solution is for both parties to heal both attachment styles; avoidant attachment who needs to pull away, and anxious attachment who is afraid of loss and needs to be close. Both need to develop inner security, confidence in their self love, and know that their partner still loves them, but is temporarily putting out signals and words of their own inner wounds and fear.

How can this be healed? How can someone heal their own inner attachment style?

The first thing is awareness!!!!

The next thing is being responsible!!!! Taking action and accountability for ones own behaviors and feelings and knowing they might be self sabotaging something great!

Take a step back and reflect on ones own fears!

Call a therapist who deals with attachment styles; particularly anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.

Go to a support group!

Meditate and calm your nervous system.

Keep getting together and stay in communication!!!!

Show each other you care by your actions and not as much your words! Have fun together and show each other you care!

All my Love and onward journey of healing and growth!

Don’t give up when you’ve just begun! This is where things go from challenging to amazing!

Asttarte

Sex As Mood Trigger

Sex As Mood Trigger

sex as mood trigger

Sex As Mood Trigger

For those who have attachment issues and fears of intimacy, often sex and intimacy will be a trigger into their psychosis or issues that bring up the core of their emotions. I realize I am not a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, or CLSW, however, it doesn’t take someone with initials at the end of their name to know about issues with intimacy. (And, I have 20 years of experience in the practice of Healing Arts, and Sexual Healing Arts, which can often be seen as more background than actual college).

What does one do when the person they love so much, is triggered by the mere idea, or mere act of intimacy? How do you handle it? Do you try to help them, because, after all, you do love this person so utterly deeply. Why would you not want to help them, especially if the person is your husband or wife, and the parent to your child.

Intimacy and Sex is often a trigger word, and a trigger in general for certain people. It is actually more common than we realize, albeit, we would much prefer it not be the case, or that this issue was less common. The fact is, it is a common issue, as many children and many families have attachment and boundary issues, so too, do families and children grow up learning certain behaviors, beliefs and take on issues themselves in relation to the family dynamics they grew up in.

As much as these issues are common, what is not common is that people don’t want to look at themselves and what it is that causes them to have fear, their triggers, or take personal responsibility and accountability for their own part of a relationship (that is, after all, causing an impact on the other person). That is quite a challenge, especially if you love someone, and wanted to commit to them, for the long haul.

In the book: Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, it says:

Attractive people are attracting and yet frightening. They are beautiful; you would like to relate to them, but to relate with them means to lose your freedom. To relate with them means to not be yourself anymore. And because they are attractive, you will not be able to leave them; you will cling. You know your tendency — that the more attractive a person is, the more clinging will arise in you; you will become more and more dependent. That is the fear! ~~~Nobody wants to become dependent. Freedom is the ultimate value. Even love is not higher than freedom. Freedom is the ultimate value.

And why is it that people so want to have freedom?  And, why do they not think they can have freedom within a relationship? Most people, usually think it is one way or the other, not both. And, so they resist love and intimacy at all costs, because they feel to love deeply and ultimately, they will be sucked deep into a pit, never able to remove them-self and be their true identity. If to be intimate, and to love deeply, feels like a trapped cage, of course it would feel as though they have no freedom. But it is possible to have both love and intimacy and have freedom. The only place that is not free is in the mind.

If you love a person, you love a person. What will happen tomorrow —who cares? Today is so much, this moment is an eternity. What will happen tomorrow, we will see…when tomorrow comes. And tomorrow never comes. Real love is of the present. Always remember: Anything real has to be part of awareness, has to be part of the present, has to be part of meditation. Then there is no problem! And there is no question of attraction, and there is no question of fear.
sex as mood trigger3However, to a person of true fear of intimacy, these principals won’t make any sense. They will avoid intimacy at all costs, or as soon as there is the threat of the intimacy leading into something more serious. They will abhor intimacy at that point, and find any excuse to do other things; anything, other than the exercise, practice, or quiet time of solitude, to be alone; sitting near, laying near or being lovely dovey with their Beloved (in any manner that feels like closeness). Having that time alone will feel like a nightmare, leading into the trap they so deeply cringe and fear. Closeness will feel like a set up, and they will raise all walls and defenses against it. They will find intimacy as the direct threat to their sanity. And, their sanity will change into a thing of the past. They may change altogether, and become anxious, fearful, or start throwing darts your way, as though you did something to hurt them, scare them, even threaten them, when all you did was desire their affections and closeness above all else.

Perhaps in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy was something they joyed, as the structure of the relationship was not set yet. It had not formed or crystalized yet into a committed relationship. It was only something of fun, freedom, joy and non-attachment. But, as soon as it felt like it was becoming a commitment, they then changed.

Before sex, there is less attachment to the person. By having sex, you are connecting on an energetic and emotional level, and a certain level of attachment begins, even if it is unintentional. A one time sexual encounter is not as attachment producing as multiple times. However, even once is enough. Something happens in your DNA, your spiritual body and it causes two people to connect on a level nothing else can.

With Intimacy issues, the after effects of sex can pose a threat to ones overall balance of their mind. It can trigger deeper emotions within, and cause a ripple effect of layers upon layers that have not been addressed, need to be healed and supported through therapy, and cleared through other paths of emotional processing. If your lover is capable of holding space and presence for you as you reveal those vulnerable feelings (and you him), it can be a match made in heaven. However, if your lover resists feeling such things, is in denial that he has feelings, or in denial that working through them together can bond the relationship together stronger, it can only cause a downward spiral of separation, as soon as you, the one who desired the closeness, connected with him.

In the book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, in the section on The Sixth Level of Intimacy, it states where the fear begins:

It is often here that we have to tend to the wounds of our past. Sometimes these wounds have been ignored for years, and we find them infected and festering. Cleaning out wounds can be an excruciating painful experience, but if we are to recover and grow strong again it cannot be avoided. 

In the level of feeling, we certainly make ourselves vulnerable, but in the sixth level, we expose ourselves. Level 6 is the emotional equivalent of nakedness. This emotional nakedness is usually appropriate only in our primary relationship. Here, at the sixth level, we finally arrive at the place where we are able to say to our signifiant other, “I am afraid.”

However, when sex is the trigger for someone’s mood, emotions and fears, often intimacy will not come to the place of creating the vulnerability that will cause a breakthrough and transformation of closeness and love in a relationship. The ability to say, “I am afraid”, and your beloveds honesty will not happen. And, if it does, it will only come from trust, honesty, and perhaps some very deep emotional healing work, if and when this person you love will surrender to this degree of help. You only pray they do, and perhaps stop engaging in sex with them, so as to not trigger their wounds, or create an episode and emotional breakdown.

Maybe they will be your best friend, and that is all they can handle…for now.

sex as mood trigger2
Sex as Mood Trigger