Couples Marriage Coaching
I’m thrilled to announce I’ve been doing more Couples and Marriage Coaching Sessions! Some couples choose to come see me separately and one on one, and some choose to see me together. While, I am great at one on one coaching, I am even better with couples! When someone comes to me privately, my focus is on helping the individual, and all the issues they are dealing with. However, not all the issues may be obvious when they come alone. I only see one persons perspective this way, and will always take to their side. When they come together, my goal is to support both individuals, and I have a bigger picture to work with, and an awareness of whats going on from both perspectives, and hence, a much bigger understanding of the healing that is needed.
I then pick up on the joint energy between the couple, the joint patterns, the joint triggers, and all the work that is needed to heal a relationship can be done right there on the spot. I still start with a gentle breathing or meditation practice, then move into coaching for each individual, and conversation of course will happen for both sides; taking turns. We may move into forgiveness practices, acknowledging the other partner, eye gazing, breathing together, and emotional processing that is needed for each person that is at the core of the feelings inside of each of them. If we can move beyond all of these practices and the issues have been resolved, then we can move to the next stage of healing for your beloved and your relationship.
I still teach Tantra and Spiritual practices, however, they come after we have sorted out the major obstacles that are keeping your relationship separate or distant. Just like private sessions, working with the couple, both parties need to feel like they have gotten the support they needed, and each persons feelings are taken into account, as well as each persons individual issues and triggers. If the issues go beyond my abilities as a Coach, and the person needs more clinical help, we will discuss how I can be helpful alongside this, to continue the growth and healing of the relationship.
Both people in the couple must want to heal their relationship in order for the relationship to improve. If only one person wants to heal, and the other does not, we will address that in session. Or, if only one person thinks the other needs to work on them-self, and the other does not, we will find out if this is true, and how one in the couple can help the other to heal or grow. Sometimes, the support of just knowing your Beloved cares about you and wants you to be happier and feel better, and being a witness to your growth is all it takes. And sometimes, this inspires the other person in the relationship to realize they need to look at them-self too!
The cycle of making the other partner wrong is at the core of all relationships! When you can take personal responsibility for your half and how you are being with your partner, most obstacles melt away!
Sex and Dating
I’ve mentioned in past posts how sex can bring up deeper issues hidden in the core of someone’s being. If the issues that are brought up were not dealt with before, or are triggered by the new lover and come to the surface, the best thing to do is face them head on. Sometimes the feelings that come up from the past is something you would rather stuff to the ground, repress it, keep it hidden, not confront it at all. But how do you move past a superficial connection to something magical, powerful, harmonious and beautiful if you ignore what is showing up for you? A relationship is a powerful tool for healing and can be a miraculous journey of growth, if you let it.
The best thing to do, is get clarity on where you are at, and sit with it, breathe with it, and feel into it. Communicate with your lover/partner/girlfriend that you are working through something. Don’t leave them in the dust to try to figure it out, guess and wonder what’s going on. Communicate at least to let them know you are ok, you’re processing something, and will return once you feel more complete on what has been brought up for you. If you like the person, and there’s potential of a great relationship, do your potential partner the courtesy of communicating with them; even if its minimal communication. Let them know what’s going on, you’re still around, and will return. This acknowledges the new potential relationship that there is a connection and hope of a relationship still exists.
Its totally ok if you have been triggered into your deeper issues, wounds, feelings. This the woman would see as a strength, and she would respect you for it. If you neglect her existence, she might not think you care, and may very well move on to someone new! So speak up, say something. Show you care, and don’t be silent! Your voice, your feelings and your relationship matters! It’s the stepping stone to something wonderful!
This is often a huge reason why I suggest becoming friends with your potential lover or partner before engaging in deeper intimacy with them. So, there is trust, safety and love, and you know they aren’t going anywhere just because a trigger came up. Its something that can be worked through, and the foundation of the relationship has already been built. Relationships always bring up things for people. If someone runs at the first trigger in the relationship, the possibility for a relationship with that person is impossible! There’s many more things to work through, and if you run at the first chance of a trigger, no relationship with ever grow!
Let’s hope for foundation to be built in new relationships, safety, trust, love and breakthroughs to happen again and again!
When To Go Past Dating
How do you know when to take your relationship past the dating point? How do you know when to start kissing, being intimate, or becoming sexual? If you want the relationship to last, and not be just a sexual fling, it is often best to avoid deeper acts of sex and intimacy until you know for sure the relationship feels solid. There is that rocky stage in a new relationship where you want to be intimate, but you also want it to be the real thing. How do you know how long to wait and when to go past dating? Do you wait one month, three months, or four? Timing can be everything for each couple, and each individual.
It is crucial to discover how serious the person you are dating is, especially if you want something serious. And if you find out two months in, they don’t want anything serious, its much easier to walk away if you haven’t had sex. But what if you have? Then what do you do? Do you walk away as soon as you know your goals are different? Or do you wait it out to see if perhaps the other person is not sure yet?
Most of the time, if someone tells you in the beginning of a relationship, that they don’t want anything serious, you should really listen to them. If they tell you they just want to have fun, or want to remain celibate, or are not looking for long term commitment, you should take whatever words they say literally. Their actions may be different than their words, but its the words in the very beginning that define how they will truly be later. If someone hints to you that they “think” maybe they are Bipolar, or that they have had a history of being afraid after things start to get serious, and hide or pull away, LISTEN to them! All of these initial honest clues will impact the rest of your relationship, and if they told you these things from the beginning, you WERE forewarned!!!
If your date, warned you about some major things that would impact your dreams of a healthy and serious relationship, and you didn’t listen, that’s your fault! You need to be the one to walk away, and you need to be the stronger one; not them. They are wounded, scared, conflicted, confused, or perhaps just a jerk. You need to be the wise one! And choose whether to go past dating and of deeper into the relationship, or end it!
It is best NOT to have any sexual intimacy with someone until you know for sure who they are, their habits, beliefs, goals, if you could be good friends, if they are healthy, if you are compatible, and if you can really see yourself with them for the long term. When you jump in right away, not truly discovering their true colors, things get sticky and challenging, and it only causes more pain later. Be smart, and wait. Trust your gut, and listen to your heart!
Why Men Pull Away
What happens when the man you love starts losing interest. He doesn’t know how to show his feelings, or perhaps he chooses not to. Why men pull away and why does this downward spiral start happening? What can you do to avoid it?
Perhaps something gets triggered in him. You, as a woman pick up on this. You can sense it, feel it, and may even know why. But he may not. And men don’t like to be told what they are thinking, let alone what they may need to heal. They want to figure it out for themselves. They want to be left alone, and perhaps to sort out their own feelings in their own time. But we as women, don’t like to feel her man pull away. We get hurt too, from their distance, their absence and can sense something is wrong. However, to let him work through whatever it is that he may be feeling, perhaps is the best solution.
Men don’t want you to be his therapist, or healer. They want you to love him, hold him, nurture him. And, it can sometimes take weeks, or months of his distance of going through something. He wants to just know you are there for him. He wants to know you care, that you back him up, and can be patient.
Often, men like to know that the woman they love, will stand strong and proud of him, not insulting him, or making him wrong, and just believe in him. Why Men Pull Away: They want to feel secure and confident in their selves, and in the choice they made with their woman. In many ways, perhaps, they like to know that the woman he loves, will stand proud of him, as his mother did. And, if she cannot hold that security and confidence in him as his first female love did, perhaps his adult love is not good enough for him.
This then, is what starts the cycle to a man’s absence; feeling unaccepted, feeling invalidated, feel insecure, losing his confidence in himself, losing his power, when he loses control, and feels a woman doesn’t accept him as he is, wants to help him, fix him, change him, heal him. If he feels he can’t take care of his woman, doesn’t have the inner strength, courage, power, financial or emotional, and feels powerless over the situation. If he begins to feel these things within himself, and his woman triggers these feelings in him, often he will pull away from her. Many men don’t know why they feel this way, and his woman will want him to feel happy, strong and powerful, but not know why he doesn’t, or not know that her words can sting him into a hidden cocoon.
How can we then keep the man we love by our side? Empower him, support him, accept him, encourage him, love him…to be all he wants to be, whether thats loving you, or choosing to run miles away.
More to say on this…please comment if you feel guided.
Perhaps this is a post more geared for women, but I’m sure men will find benefit also. And, please comment if you have any response, feedback or opinion.
Relationships and Fear
It’s amazing how after a relationship has gotten to a point of feeling so amazing that the connection is divinely pure, harmonious and feels magical, that once words are put on this, the relationship falls to the gutter. Perhaps people can’t handle putting words to what is happening. They see it as a threat, or they are afraid to admit what is actually going on. I call this a Love Poison. How can one person in the relationship feel so incredible and when words are shared, their partner feels like running and hiding?
How does this start in the first place?
Both partners are happy, filled with bliss, love and magic, and the connection feels beautiful. They hold each other often, kiss often, give each other affectionate touches and glances, and then the words cause one person to retract, or contract within themselves.
I’m going to go into Attachment styles again here. There are some people in our society who have a Healthy Attachment. This is when as a child, the infant and toddler received love and attention from the mother and primary parent, when it was desired, when the child cried, and asked for help. There was a balance of give and take and the child’s needs were met with ease, not too much, and not too little.
When a child was smothered and given too much attention and the parent was worried and frantically jumped to their childs needs right away or even before it was asked, the child can then become anxious. The child can also become anxious if he or she waited around crying constantly and not feeling heard, or feeling ignored and not having their needs met at all. They can then become anxious as well.
If a child was smothered and given attention all the time, even when it wasn’t wanted, the child can then become avoidant as an adult. If a child was forced into being affectionate, or yelled at by the parent, and didn’t want the affection and didn’t do anything wrong, but the parent is hyper possessive and protective, perhaps insecure or angry, it can also cause a child to become avoidant.
These three dynamics are just a subtle difference, but can cause all the difference in the child and eventual adult. And, most people don’t know where their behaviors stem from. They think they have to remain this way for the rest of their life, or at the most, manage it.
In the book, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner, it talks about the different attachment styles, and how to understand a partner who is an avoidant, and be more supportive to his or her emotional style. In the book, Anxious in Love, it talks about a person who becomes Anxious and how to heal oneself from this style and put less pressure on your partner who is not anxious, as well as exercises a couple can do together. I’m going to be studying more about this psychological concept on my own, and will share my studies here as inspired. Another good book, for the anxious adult, who grew up with absent parents, (emotionally or physically) is a great book called: The Emotionally Absent Mother; a guide to self healing and getting the love you missed.
Often, adults who have already healed traumas, childhood abuse, or perhaps a mental illness, would be ready to heal this type of treatment. If there are still unresolved traumas, or abuse within the system, one may not be ready to take on healing their core attachments with their significant caretakers. It takes many layers to unravel the self, and each process has its value and importance. When one is ready, the attachment style is a journey very worth undertaking, and leads one towards beautiful and healthy relationships, perhaps for the first time in their lives. I wish everyone to have the courage to heal all the layers of them-self, and to trust that each stage they are in, is exactly where they are meant to be!
You fall in love and are head over heels for someone. The man who adore is sweet, kind, open and loving. You spend weeks and weeks together enjoying each others company, and then all of a sudden you tell your man you love him, and all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t think its possible. He tells you its too soon. He wonders if the relationship is a good idea anymore. He thinks he needs to pull back and distance himself, and does so. You’re freeking out. The man you had such a glorious connection with all of a sudden pulls away just because you tell him he’s amazing and you love him. Where did he go? Why did he pull back? What did you do? How can you fix it?
The issue comes down to the core of a persons psyche, their nervous system breaks open and starts to flutter in a million directions. Their mind goes a million miles and starts overanalyzing as a way to try to figure it out or protect itself. It comes down to attachment styles, and the source of someone’s attachment behaviors, where they came from, how they developed and what is safe for one person is terrifying to another.
We grew up in a certain household and developed attachment with our parents in a specific way based on who our parents were to us, how they treated us, and if they were too close or too far away when we needed them. Based on how this showed up as a child, we become a certain attachment style and the way we interact as an adult in relationship is exactly matched to what we needed as a child. It comes down to healing the inner child, and healing this attachment style. Not many people come to this place of healing their own attachment style. They think they are the way they are, and have to be with someone who won’t trigger their deeper wounds. But those deeper wounds are the core of the issues. The fears from either getting too close, or pulling too far back.
So the man you love, and you shared your feelings with wants to sabotage the relationship, and you try to fix it, by speaking soothing words, saying nice things, and backing off in words that will scare or trigger him. But you’re left with your own anxiety from him pulling away. And that too scares him. So, the solution is for both parties to heal both attachment styles; avoidant attachment who needs to pull away, and anxious attachment who is afraid of loss and needs to be close. Both need to develop inner security, confidence in their self love, and know that their partner still loves them, but is temporarily putting out signals and words of their own inner wounds and fear.
How can this be healed? How can someone heal their own inner attachment style?
The first thing is awareness!!!!
The next thing is being responsible!!!! Taking action and accountability for ones own behaviors and feelings and knowing they might be self sabotaging something great!
Take a step back and reflect on ones own fears!
Call a therapist who deals with attachment styles; particularly anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
Go to a support group!
Meditate and calm your nervous system.
Keep getting together and stay in communication!!!!
Show each other you care by your actions and not as much your words! Have fun together and show each other you care!
All my Love and onward journey of healing and growth!
Don’t give up when you’ve just begun! This is where things go from challenging to amazing!
Letting Your Heart Open
After it has been months, or even perhaps years, after a relationship has ended (even if it was over before it was officially over), its a risk to open your heart again. Its important to take the time after the ending of a relationship to mend your heart, grieve, and let go of the past. However, when a new person, who you fancy, desire, have attraction for, and matches who you are, your vibration, your life practices, the things you love, your compatibility, perhaps your spirituality, and you have similar goals and desires for life, it seems like a fit. When your chakras are aligned or the level of awakening and development you have accomplished is a match to someone, it feels like you’re in heaven. Why not take the risk, and surrender to someone like this?
Well, after not having been with someone in a while, it can be scary. It takes guts to your open heart again. It takes being brave, especially to those who have gone through such challenging relationships in the past. But once you have loved, the ability to love will always return. Sometimes you need a little push. And, someone who’s a match is a perfect push to jump over that edge.
Have you ended a relationship not too long ago, and have fear of diving in with someone new? Are you afraid to get too close? And, if you feel like you’re getting close, do you immediately start to pull away or push away as soon as it gets comfortable?
Letting your heart open is a brave and amazing thing. It feels magical, like bliss, heaven, and the feeling of a new love, a new sweetheart can be scary, but it also can be utterly exciting! You don’t know the other person that well yet. You are in the discovery, the exploration, the journey, the ride. Let it be fun! Take the risk, and ride the wave of love! You might just land in the other persons arms, and be embraced with love like you’ve never known.
And, you do never know. The unknowing can be scary, and it can also be fun!
Arousal as Energy Movement
What happens after a relationship ends, or you have taken an enormous amount of time to be alone? (The relationship might as well be over if that’s the case). And definitely the case if your partner had a fear of intimacy. (Search the keyword Intimacy for more posts on this topic).
What happens to your body after you’ve gone through the grieving and letting go process, and you’re ready to start dating again, or having an interest in connecting with others after all that time?
What usually happens, is your body will start telling you that you are ready. It will have desires with certain people you are attracted to, or give you sudden urges and nudges to push you to talk to someone. But what happens when you’re by yourself, and you are starting to finally open up again after all that time alone? Your body may have waves of energy movement, or jolts of sudden arousal. It may feel orgasmic, but then when you go to pleasure yourself, you may still feel certain blocks to experience a full body experience of arousal, i.e.. orgasm.
The arousal is your bodies way of telling you that you have gotten through most of the grieving process of your ex lover (husband, wife, etc) and it has achieved a level of balance, equilibrium and harmony of energy and wants to move to a higher place of joy. You completed the cycle of sadness, solitude and aloneness after the hard core break up. You took the time you needed to rest, recover, release anxiety, stress and sadness from your previous beloved, and now your body has awaken, and it wants to wake you up to match how it feels.
It can happen anywhere; your kitchen while you are cooking a meal, your car while singing to a song you love, cleaning your home, reading, talking to a friend, or even meditating or taking a bath. When your body is ready to open to a higher level of pleasure, it doesn’t matter what you are doing or who you are with. It will move and rise within you no matter what!
If you talking to a friend in person or over the phone and you definitely don’t want that friendship to turn into something different, be careful! You may want to hang up the phone or leave the current situation to allow your body to experience how it’s feeling. Otherwise, that friendship might just turn romantic pretty quickly!
If you want the friendship to turn into something else, and your friend had been waiting for you to be ready and open, awesome! Or, you are neutral and don’t care if this person will remain your friend or turn into something else, that may be time to have a discussion. However, if you have the discussion on the spot, changes will happen almost dramatically! A more rational stand would be to walk away, take care of yourself, and then talk to your friend later after the feeling of sexual arousal and frustration has calmed down.
I’ve discovered a practice called the Deer Exercise for women and men in my recent search on this topic. This is a taoist energy practice to help move and awaken someone who has been suppressed or shut down for a long time. If you are no longer suppressed and feel the energy already excited, this practice may actually just balance you and help release some of the pent up sexual frustration, and perhaps help you relieve the sexual frustration a little easier. However, I find the Shamanic Breathwork and Tantra Meditations to be more powerful. Whatever you choose is your choice, and your body will let you know what is best!
Feel free to give the Deer Exercise a try. Who knows it might help! If anything it will help keep your energies open and your body in overall health and vitality! Enjoy!
For men and women:
There’s an extroadinary amount of marriages and couples that stay together for the security, rather than the desire and love of it. Couples have children, they build a foundation of what’s comfortable. They love each other, but the passion, spontaneity, openness to each other, and playful sex almost disappears. Where does this passion and desire for intimacy go? And what do they do about it? Sexual frustration often gets transferred into taking care of the child/children, work, career, and time to just simply rest.
When marriages have lost their zest and they have a love for one another, this can often lead to dependency on the other. A fear of looking outside the marriage shows up out of fear of breaking the security they have developed, the security for the children and the harmony and emotional balance of all involved. However, when YOU have NOT had your sexual needs met, in weeks, months or years waiting around for the security of your husband or wife is truly wasted energy. I can understand you might not want to risk the family bonds, the close knit family gatherings, and the fun you all have together for the sake of the children, but there comes a point when sexual frustration has taken over, and your sexual self expression is completely missing and void that your entire life force has dwindled away.
What do you do to take care of your personal needs when they show up? Do you have an affair? Do you secretly date someone new, keeping lies between both the new person and your husband/wife? Or, do you have the straight conversation with your family and husband/wife and talk to them about what is missing for you, what you want to create, and the fears, concerns, and pain it may cause for each other?
The only way to solve issues between a partnership is to straight up talk about it. However, not everyone is comfortable talking that boldly, and not everyone is willing to take the risk. Are you willing to risk your sexual pleasure, vitality, life force for the sake of keeping something solid when you are not happy? Or, is having honest communication something that you might be willing and open to having? Despite all the criticism, complaints, concerns and fears the other person may have, can you be able to listen to them, hold the space for them, and be loving despite everything they might feel out of your honesty?
You might be surprised. You might get your needs met, and you just might be able to have it all. Isn’t it worth the risk?
When you are carrying upset in your heart, be it sadness, making someone wrong, holding resentment, judgment or anger, sexual energy may be missing and at most, going into the act of sex will be for the wrong reasons.
The idea of sex is a very personal matter, and when there is any upset at the person you hold the most dear to your heart, it makes sense that the sexual drive may be lacking or absent all together. Is it more important to you to have sex, or is it more important to you to be connected to the person you love? What I mean is, do you find yourself driven by the desire of sex more than the drive to have love in your heart with the person dearest to you?
Perhaps the person dearest to you, you have given up on, or perhaps you have been resigned about something you are upset about and have decided not to deal with it, talk about it or confront it with the person. When I say “Being Upset”, I mean simply being upset. Not everyone is willing to admit that they are just simply upset with the person they love. They might find it more appealing to focus instead on sex, or focus instead on another person, or another activity. But when it comes down to it and after much time has passed, the reality is you may be upset with someone. Maybe you left the relationship all-together and are even trying to date someone new, but don’t even know why you are 1. either not attracting anyone new in your life, or 2. are not feeling fulfilled by the new person, or 3. have no sexual drive with the new person at all. Consider that you just may be upset with the person you were previously with, and on many levels still love them very much!
If you are still open to the person you deeply love, cheers to you for realizing your love, and being committed to waiting until the time is right to work out your differences. Not everyone is willing to wait to work things out. Many people often give deadlines and say, “I will give you 6 months,” or “I will give you 1 year to x,” or “If this doesn’t work out by the end of this year or next year xxx….” and what you have is an ultimatum, and ultimately a heart that is blocked and shut down, and incompletion with a solution with the exact person you love the most!
When your heart is shut down from the person you love the most, do you still have sex with them? What is your sex like? Does it satisfy and fulfill you? Or do you feel something is missing and an emptiness?
No one is perfect, and upset happens. You are a human being. We all have upsets. They come and go and then you work it out. But when you don’t work it out, what do you do? How do you deal with your upsets with the person you love the most? Do you avoid them, walk away and try to resolve it on your own? Do you talk to your friends for advice? Do you shut out the world and pretend it didn’t happen?
And when there is something missing with the person you love the most, do you know that you are actually just holding onto something, and upset with them?
Sometimes the act of forgiveness, love, and letting go of something that happened or how you are feeling about someone close to you is harder than many people know. Deciding to forgive someone, and telling yourself you forgive them, is not nearly the same as truly dealing with your feelings, unraveling them as far as they need to go, and then knowing 100% for sure you have forgiven them is a completely different thing! Admitting to yourself that you are upset, your feelings are hurt and telling the real truth to the person you love, is the first step in truly forgiving them, and when you can do that, you just might start to unravel your feelings and open up your heart again! And if your heart is open, doesn’t it only make sense that your sexual drive returns, your passion and your state of peace and satisfaction? 🙂
It is a true gift! And, sometimes we need an outside person to kick us in the head and open our eyes! And then, all the rewards show up!
When You Want Your Husband and Someone Else Shows Up. This is the pitfall of many relationships. A woman is craving connection with the man she loves, and what happens is that her man is unavailable. He’s busy or preoccupied, or his interest has dwindled and he has other concerns and things he wants to focus on. She’s deeply saddened and desperate to gain his attention, but he’s always somewhere else, emotionally or physically.
In a Polyamorous Marriage this is perfectly fine. There is an agreement between both partners that they are allowed to be with other lovers, so long as the structure of the relationship is maintained. However, if the foundation of the marriage is rocky, or there has been very little connection, intimacy and commitment between the two partners, straying from the marriage can feel like cheating, or in Christian terms “committing adultery”.
When you’re in love with your husband (or significant beloved) and there is no intimacy, your heart tears up inside. You want his commitment. You want his willingness to do what it takes to be there for you, stay by your side and give you his all! But when you have waited and waited for him to show up in this way, and all of a sudden someone else shows up, most of the time, it is like God giving you the gift you have been waiting for! You fall prey to this new amazing being that you are so deeply drawn to, and your wish has been granted. Then the big question is: what do you do next? Do you continue to wait for the man you deeply love, or do you continue to fall into the arms of another? How long are you truly willing to wait? If waiting is putting your life on hold, perhaps waiting is not what your supposed to be doing anyway. Perhaps, you ARE supposed to be enjoying life and just surrender to what life gives you!
Read more posts for women at HealingSacredWoman.com
Most people dream about being close to the person they love the most. They often wake up from dreams in the morning of their wife or husband that they are distant or separated from; just succumbing to the what’s so. Their heart aches to be close to them; even though their mind often tells them they don’t like this about them, or that, or that they’ll never agree or be able to compromise on anything. Couples often stay in the wishful thinking stage, or suppressing their truest hearts desires and just accepting that the relationship won’t get any better, when in fact, this is simply not true.
Perhaps you are blaming yourself for your relationship being distant, or you are blaming your partner, and put all your anger on him or her. Perhaps you’ve given up on the relationship all together because you don’t know what’s possible, and you end up believing what you truly desire is not possible at all.
Many women stay in an unhappy relationship, not knowing how to change things, or their partner and wishing he will change. Many men don’t make an effort at all; even though they tell themselves they want to heal the relationship or be close to their wife, and go to a mistress, a sex parlor, an erotic salon, a sex surrogate, or an escort just to try to fill the void and lack of intimacy they are getting with the partner they really love. They make no effort to heal the root cause; nor try to heal their own issues so that his wife might fall back in love with him all over again.
But what men and women both crave deeper than anything in the world, is to feel a deep intimate connection with the person they love, that they married or are in a committed relationship with. People don’t want to have to go to other lovers, or temporary affairs to avoid the pain of the distance with their partner. What their heart craves more than anything, is to be held and caressed in the arms of their lover, their wife or husband and to know that the person they deeply love, cares for them, accepts them, and deeply desires them and loves them in return. It is a dream come true when their beloved can return their love to the man or woman they are the closest to, and fall in love all over again with the same person.
It is totally possible that you can fall in love again, with the same person, and in fact, fall in love with this same person over and over again! I can help you fall in love again, and remove the emotional pain, blocks, upsets and disappointments that have gotten in the way of the innocent freshness and intimate love you deserve!
Being pro-active ~
Turning your relationship to amazing:
Being Responsible – & Being Willing to be Wrong
Honoring Your Word
Consideration – Putting the Others Needs First
Selflessness – Giving without Receiving – Loving
Speaking the Truth & Communicating
Being a Team, supporting each other even you you’re not around, your dreams, visions, goals and desires
Being lazy ~
Turning your relationship to sour:
Trauma or Being Incomplete with your past
Anger or Resentment
Lack of Acknowledgment
Taking for Granted/Assuming they will always be there
Being Lazy, Procrastinating or not Following Through on what you said
Needing to Be Right
Lack of Commitment – Doing Everything but spending time together
Selfishness – Only Considering how you feel, expecting to get what you want, getting your needs met and not the others
Keeping Secrets & Lack of Communication
Doing what you want, despite what the other person feels. ~ A Solo Team
It’s much easier to be lazy than to be pro-active, but if you want to keep your relationship, revitalize your intimacy and be filled with love, there are some things to consider.
When we let go of control, and surrender to someone else’s it does something to our spirit, our heart, our relationship with the other person, but also the relationship to ourselves and all the other relationships in our lives. We get lost in the mess of the relationship and become something; someone else. It’s like the expression “trying to fit a square peg into a round hole” and it never works!
It is important to honor someone else’s feelings, beliefs, opinions and needs, however, not at the expense of your own, and in particular not at the expense of one’s own life. Sometimes we can forget who we are, and forget ourselves during that drive to make someone else happy. However, if the other person, your partner, does not honor, value and hold your own feelings, needs, beliefs and opinions up high and shuns them, ignores them and just quietly smiles that he (or she) is getting everything they need and want and avoiding you, the relationship is not worth staying in. In psychological terms, one might call that a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship, but on more common terms, the relationship is just not healthy, and definitely not balanced.
There MUST be balance for a relationship to work. There must be a healthy give and take, and if someone is getting something at the expense of the other person and incapable of seeing how they are hurting the other person, only doing their best to manipulate, coerce and control them, it is definitely a toxic relationship.
Make your life your own, and on occasion hold someone else’s hand, (but not at the expense of yours)!
Boundaries in Intimacy are different with every person.
“Intimacy means being able to be fully present with yourself and another at the same time.” Staci Haines.
“Intimacy means being willing to experience conflict, and to use conflict to deepen your intimacy. It means risking trust with another at deeper and deeper levels over time.” Staci Haines.
Building Intimacy involves major components such as: Embodiment, consent, openness to emotions, healing through triggers, trust, self-forgiveness, authenticity, self-awareness, listening, presence with yourself and another, patience, time and acceptance with what is. Building Intimacy takes time and cannot happen immediately. It can take a few sessions before the level of trust grows strong enough to do an Intimacy Therapy Session. Building Intimacy Before Our First Session: emails & phone calls:
When emailing me, please tell me as specifically as possible what you are interested in, your intentions for our session, what your needs are, and your level of experience with Spirituality, Healing and Tantra. When you have questions about fees or sessions that are not clear to you on my website, it is always best to talk to me live.
Before meeting, I like to go over a few things that help us both to feel at ease with our initial connection. A questionnaire for new clients: This is not mandatory, however, it gives me an idea of your intention, experience, and openness to healing AND it gives you an idea of the value of our work together. If you are unclear about anything, it is always best to discuss it before we begin, and not during or after. However, if you need to wait for personal reasons, I will honor your feelings and need to do so.
Ways to Build Intimacy Are: Practice being with yourself and with another (your husband/wife/partner or alone) at the same time. Treat conflict and resistance as something that can build intimacy. Communicate openly and truthfully (to yourself and the other present) Practicing Self-Dignity: Communicate out of love and acceptance. If something comes up for you communicate by taking responsibility for your feelings and reactions. Communicate in a non-blaming attitude to give and receive more love. Understand if triggers and emotions come up for you, it is your process, and a temporary situation that will build to something beautiful. Build trust: I, as a Tantra Educator, like to take the first and second session to build trust in our relationship together as client and practitioner. Blessings to you on this beautiful journey of love, transformation and healing. Asttarte.
Boundaries with Your Significant Other and Choosing to Do A Tantra Session If you have boundaries with your partner, your wife, your husband or loved one and are unsure of the work we would do together in Session, please ask me all your questions before our Session or at the beginning of our time together! Nothing is ever done without your permission! Nothing is EVER done without an agreement between you as the client and I as the Practitioner! If you and your wife/husband or lover have an agreement to be exclusive, and don’t know what these Sessions entail, please ask to clarify any concerns you may have! If you are choosing the receive Tantra Healing without the Agreement with your husband/wife or partner, that is your choice! We will only explore avenues that will be of help to you! And, just to help you gain further comfort, any Session we do together will help you be a better lover with your partner, feel more at peace with your partner and be more of the lover they wish you to be. These Sessions are not meant for you to start a new Relationship with me. I have my own life, my own family, and I am only here as a Healer, Guide and Practitioner to you! I wish for you all the love you ever dreamed of! ~Namaste!~~~
Hey guys, Are you tired of being bossed around and controlled by your wife (or girlfriend)? Do you have to live a secret life in order to maintain some sense of control and sanity? Do you feel scared she’s going to catch you in the act, for making secret phone calls to someone you like or have an interest in? Do you have to maintain a level of privacy and secrecy in order to keep your head on straight and make sure you’re head will not be CHOPPED off when you walk home or come back into her arms? What would happen if you did get caught? Would she go to the drastic measures of divorce or a break up, just because you wanted to live a normal healthy life, and express yourself with someone who wants to listen?
This is the trap many relationships live in today. One feels unheard, misunderstood; the other wants to maintain control, power and dominance and the two have to keep secrets, lies and shut out the truth from the other. Jealousy is born, possessiveness and control and a war for authority and dominance. What usually happens to relationships that are living in this reality, this lie, and have to pretend they are something they are not? Often, over time, they separate, they divorce or break up, and many times shutting out the other completely from their lives with little room for resolution or healing.
Probably if the truth came out today, the worse that could happen would be separation; the best, a best friend again, someone you could feel close to, safe with, and a deeper love than before.on or healing. What would happen if the truth came out? Or, even better, if the couple were honest with their needs, wants and desires before any problems arose?
When a woman shows up with her fierce rage about her man “jeopardizing” their relationship for his own self worth and personal fulfillment, a man shuts down. He pulls back and creates more separation. The woman feels she has a sense of control, and is keeping her man on her leash so he will not run away from her, and “they maintain their commitment”. However, do they really maintain their commitment, or is it under false pretenses? lies, secrets and dominance. Men DO NOT want to be dominated, just as much as women don’t. However, when a woman tries dominating her man, she is only pushing him away further and getting less and less over time the thing she actually wants; her man. When women can let go of their jealously and control, and men can speak their truth, the world will be a happier place. All the secrets create a sort of conspiracy and controlled, repressed, and conservative relationship. The relationship is not free, it doesn’t feel open, it doesn’t feel good, and it gets harder and harder to stay! In order for a relationship to thrive, be your true self to your Beloved, and then you get to be your true self to you! It doesn’t get any better!
When You’re in the Mood and Your Hunny Isn’t
A story and some Coaching:
Upon waking in the morning, I was horny as a banshee. I looked over at my hunny and he was simply out cold! I was up and ready to go. Our son was sleeping in the bed beside us. Since we have a toddler, we often sneak out of the bedroom before he wakes and slip into another room to have a rendezvous in the morning, or a late hour snack. I tried comforting him to waking, but he still would not move. I cuddled him, carressed him, moved my body into his, leaned into his shoulder and put my face on his shoulder, breathing and making deep sounds… letting him know in my own way I was fully alert, awake and ready for some love making! My hips were rocking, I was breathing heavy and I tried taking his hand to lift him and walk him into the other room, but he did not budge.
What do you do when you’re excited to connect to your loved one and they are either not interested, not horny or are just completely exhausted?
In the past I would massage him and caress him for about a half an hour to wake him up and eventually he would, but this time, we were running out of time and doing all my tactics of convincing and seducing for a half an hour was not an option. And then, I went to set up the other space and when I came back he was cuddled up nicely next to our son and solid as a rock in this next place. Within a few minutes our son woke up, and that opportunity was lost.
I started grunting, and still wanted to escape to the other room; letting our son be alone for 5 to 10 minutes. It didn’t happen.
So, instead I decide to shift all that creative energy to getting ready in the morning, getting my son’s schoolbox ready and to make myself available for clients later. Thanksgiving is this week and we agreed we would sleep together Thanksgiving night and I would sacrifice a portion of my Friday morning to be with him, with the intention to sneak again somewhere we could be alone for a few minutes. Our schedules are conflicted with time to be alone, and with his new job, my role as a mother, and our son either being in school or with one of us, being alone isn’t always easy. So, I take advantage of those few opportunity’s we do have, and trust that eventually we will take another date night alone, and make some time for a couple hours of a rendezvous for ourselves!
The best way to deal with these kinds of situations is to 1). come from a place of non-attachment, 2) do not judge, 3). speak words of kindness, 4). accept your partners needs, wants and their concerns as well, 5). make a new promise or agreement for the future, and 6). take care of yourself today in the best way for you!
To be held in his arms; to feel his breath upon your chest, as he holds you in embrace, and caresses your heart into deep utter relaxation.
To be teased into bliss by the simplicity of his eyes melting into yours.
You never forget what it feels like to be held by a man; a man, not a boy, or a child, and not your father or your son. A man, who is so deeply in love with YOU!
His rich smell as his pheromones reach out to yours and tantalize your adrenaline into heaven.
A spark of simplicity, a whimper in your heart of relief, of satisfaction, of knowing you are woman, as you are received in his love, and accepted for being the Goddess you are!
What a gift you are receiving, in being loved by his depth, in knowing you ARE Goddess, and are powerful in your femininity; a divine being worthy of being loved.
What a gift he is receiving, in giving him the experience of loving you, in knowing he is capable of loving and valuable in being received.
To be loved by a man offers so many gifts; for the receiver and the giver. To be a woman, being loved by a man helps you to know you ARE alive, and you are worthy, are capable and acceptable in being a Woman; a wise woman, an innocent woman, a powerful woman, a vulnerable woman; that you are allowed to be YOU, and you are allowed to be Goddess. You have permission and you need not shut down your prowess, your sensuality or your love!
Some thoughts to consider:
1). What does it mean to be loved by a man to you?
2). As a man, what does it offer you to love a woman? And, what does it mean to you to love a woman, who truly receives your love?
3). As a woman, what gifts do you receive when you open your heart to receiving the love from your beloved man that is right there in front of you?
4). As a woman, how often do you allow yourself to be loved by your husband/boyfriend?
5). Are there times when you shut him out and choose not to be embraced by him?If Yes, what causes you to close down to the one you love the most? (What thoughts are going through your mind? Are you resigned, cynical, blaming, judgmental, or resentful? Do you feel unloved? Do you feel unaccepted? Do you feel threatened and not supported? Do you lack trust? Do you feel guilty or wrong? Do you feel betrayed? Are you angry? Do you want to forgive? Are you stressed and feel powerless? Are you afraid and want to feel safe?)
6). Are you a woman, married or partnered to a man, going through your own emotional crisis and don’t feel understood or accepted for who you are? Do you wish to be understood? If you felt safe and accepted, how would you go about explaining to your man what you are dealing with so he could be a team player to help you get through your current struggles?
7). Do you feel as though, you are accepted, but still can’t talk to him about your inner world? Are you afraid of being judged or that he will stop loving you? What’s the worst thing that could happen if you told him what you felt?
8). Are you a woman (or a man) who doesn’t like talking about feelings and wishes the problems or issues would just go away? Would you rather wish them away then deal with them? What are you afraid of that makes you want to run when it comes to feelings?
9). If you had it your way, how would you want your current relationship to look like, feel like and smell like? (What would your surroundings and environment be, how would your partner behave towards you, how would they treat you, how would you treat them, where would you live, and what would you have in your home, how would you get along with in-laws and friends in social outings?, etc.)
10). Are you the typical leader in your relationship and the first to bend to work out an argument, or are you the one who holds grudges and waits to see if, maybe, things will work out on their own? If you did become the leader, what would you do or say to your partner to help them open their heart to you again?
11). If you are not receiving the type of love that you really want, ask yourself, what is it that you want, and what in your relationship is missing, if you had it your way, you would want to be there?
If you’re a man reading this post, you are welcome to copy and paste this and print it out to give to your beloved woman. (You are also welcome to turn the questions around to address yourself as a man). If you are a woman, consider reading this and answering the questions for yourself. you may discover some things about yourself, your relationship, hidden desires, and you may get to experience what it is that is really important to YOU!