Healing Sexual Wounding and Divorce
I’ve been working with someone for the past few months and the issue around old partners who walked in with other lovers have come up, feelings of rejection, feelings of secrecy, abandonment, and being alone. When you’re going through a divorce, there may be A LOT of layers that come up around your ex-lover. There may be feelings of loss, rejection, abandonment, fears and a deep loneliness that shows up.
If your ex was very secretive and there was little communication about how he or she lived their life, and they put up walls of protection to keep you from knowing who they really were, then they may feel rejected, lied to, unloved, unsupported and mis-understood. All of these layers can take weeks and sometimes months to unravel and work through.
Be honest about how you feel. Ask your partner to be honest about how he or she feels. In order to build trust with someone new, you have to let go of the layers with the old.
There is no rushing the process. However, you feel in each moment is important to process. If you have a partner, a beloved, a lover, or a therapist to process these feelings with, it is crucial to get the help to release these deep seated feelings. Eventually they will leave, release, and you will feel more whole than you ever had before. Please be patient with yourself. Once you’ve opened the flood gates, there’s no going back, but the journey to get to the other side is not an easy one. Have patience on yourself and on the ones you love!
Couples Marriage Coaching
I’m thrilled to announce I’ve been doing more Couples and Marriage Coaching Sessions! Some couples choose to come see me separately and one on one, and some choose to see me together. While, I am great at one on one coaching, I am even better with couples! When someone comes to me privately, my focus is on helping the individual, and all the issues they are dealing with. However, not all the issues may be obvious when they come alone. I only see one persons perspective this way, and will always take to their side. When they come together, my goal is to support both individuals, and I have a bigger picture to work with, and an awareness of whats going on from both perspectives, and hence, a much bigger understanding of the healing that is needed.
I then pick up on the joint energy between the couple, the joint patterns, the joint triggers, and all the work that is needed to heal a relationship can be done right there on the spot. I still start with a gentle breathing or meditation practice, then move into coaching for each individual, and conversation of course will happen for both sides; taking turns. We may move into forgiveness practices, acknowledging the other partner, eye gazing, breathing together, and emotional processing that is needed for each person that is at the core of the feelings inside of each of them. If we can move beyond all of these practices and the issues have been resolved, then we can move to the next stage of healing for your beloved and your relationship.
I still teach Tantra and Spiritual practices, however, they come after we have sorted out the major obstacles that are keeping your relationship separate or distant. Just like private sessions, working with the couple, both parties need to feel like they have gotten the support they needed, and each persons feelings are taken into account, as well as each persons individual issues and triggers. If the issues go beyond my abilities as a Coach, and the person needs more clinical help, we will discuss how I can be helpful alongside this, to continue the growth and healing of the relationship.
Both people in the couple must want to heal their relationship in order for the relationship to improve. If only one person wants to heal, and the other does not, we will address that in session. Or, if only one person thinks the other needs to work on them-self, and the other does not, we will find out if this is true, and how one in the couple can help the other to heal or grow. Sometimes, the support of just knowing your Beloved cares about you and wants you to be happier and feel better, and being a witness to your growth is all it takes. And sometimes, this inspires the other person in the relationship to realize they need to look at them-self too!
The cycle of making the other partner wrong is at the core of all relationships! When you can take personal responsibility for your half and how you are being with your partner, most obstacles melt away!
Sex and Dating
I’ve mentioned in past posts how sex can bring up deeper issues hidden in the core of someone’s being. If the issues that are brought up were not dealt with before, or are triggered by the new lover and come to the surface, the best thing to do is face them head on. Sometimes the feelings that come up from the past is something you would rather stuff to the ground, repress it, keep it hidden, not confront it at all. But how do you move past a superficial connection to something magical, powerful, harmonious and beautiful if you ignore what is showing up for you? A relationship is a powerful tool for healing and can be a miraculous journey of growth, if you let it.
The best thing to do, is get clarity on where you are at, and sit with it, breathe with it, and feel into it. Communicate with your lover/partner/girlfriend that you are working through something. Don’t leave them in the dust to try to figure it out, guess and wonder what’s going on. Communicate at least to let them know you are ok, you’re processing something, and will return once you feel more complete on what has been brought up for you. If you like the person, and there’s potential of a great relationship, do your potential partner the courtesy of communicating with them; even if its minimal communication. Let them know what’s going on, you’re still around, and will return. This acknowledges the new potential relationship that there is a connection and hope of a relationship still exists.
Its totally ok if you have been triggered into your deeper issues, wounds, feelings. This the woman would see as a strength, and she would respect you for it. If you neglect her existence, she might not think you care, and may very well move on to someone new! So speak up, say something. Show you care, and don’t be silent! Your voice, your feelings and your relationship matters! It’s the stepping stone to something wonderful!
This is often a huge reason why I suggest becoming friends with your potential lover or partner before engaging in deeper intimacy with them. So, there is trust, safety and love, and you know they aren’t going anywhere just because a trigger came up. Its something that can be worked through, and the foundation of the relationship has already been built. Relationships always bring up things for people. If someone runs at the first trigger in the relationship, the possibility for a relationship with that person is impossible! There’s many more things to work through, and if you run at the first chance of a trigger, no relationship with ever grow!
Let’s hope for foundation to be built in new relationships, safety, trust, love and breakthroughs to happen again and again!
Scenario Integrity and Sexual Energy: I am greeted by my ex-lover with a friendly hello. He shows up spontaneously where I tell him I’ll be. We speak in tongue with joy, ease and lightness. He asks to find out what I’m doing over the next few days, with enthusiasm, excitement, and curiosity. The next day I send information on events that look fun, and things we have in common. I hear nothing back. The day after, I send more information on very cool events, and hear nothing back. The next day, he finally responds, and says, “I never said we were definitely doing anything. I told you I may have had to work.” Now, I already had plans, but I was willing to be flexible to meet him. However, the lack of communication, being left in the dark, confused of if this person would want to meet or not, was emotionally and physically debilitating. Not in a real debilitating sense, however, a psychic one.
If someone you care for exclaims they want to get together, and leaves on that note, and then later completely disappears and doesn’t respond, its confusing for the psyche. It leaves someone in the unknown, and in a way, its how they keep their control on you. This then impacts the heart chakra. For women, and men, who care for their loved one, and were left feeling joyous they would meet very soon, but then never heard a word from them, its like giving mixed messages. The heart then is confused. The heart doesn’t know whether to be open, or shut down, out of this loved one saying one thing, feeling enthusiastic, and doing another, and being distant. Here, I will discuss how this affects the heart chakra and ones sexual energy.
When you leave your loved one thinking you’ll meet or at least talk in a day or two, are excited about the possibility, and then never hear from them, your spiritual body goes through a complex process of releasing someone’s lack of honesty. If you believe someone whole heartedly, at least to the point that their enthusiasm and encouragement on meeting was real, then you expect them to follow through with getting in contact.
However, when you hear nothing, you may begin to question the Integrity and Sexual Energy:
- why you trusted them in the first place,
- why you were so excited and doubt yourself thinking maybe they never did want to meet
- question if you were confused about their intentions
- or perhaps be angry that they said one thing and did another
- or perhaps try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they never confirmed anything
However, if someone said they wanted to do something and would be in touch, and then they don’t, they are clearly lying. They are giving you mixed messages and making you believe them, to either side, whether they wanted to meet, or didn’t want to. This is insanity and crazy. There’s no reason to believe someone like this. They are in. They are out. Who knows! It depends on what they feel like, and not on how you feel or what they said.
This affects the heart chakra, and the heart then shuts down. It may shut down to this person, but also to other people when you were wide open, loving, enthusiastic and trusting, to then being confused, perhaps sad, and closing off your trust. When the heart chakra gets toyed with, has sadness, disappointment, or feels betrayed, it then impacts the sexual arousal, the root and second chakras (the arousal of a female and male’s sexual organs), and erection for men would be difficult, and arousal and juiciness for women would disappear. This type of person is possibly harmful to someone’s psyche and best to walk away, unless you are unattached, and don’t care about an outcome either way, and have a laissez faire attitude about it. If you do care, and your feelings matter, find your enthusiasm with someone who can be trusted! You never know what you’re going to get with someone who can’t follow through with what they say. And, its certainly not fun! And we do want all the fun we can have, especially for the summer! So, as they say in one of my favorite movies: “Pish, tosh!” (Throw it away!)
You fall in love and are head over heels for someone. The man who adore is sweet, kind, open and loving. You spend weeks and weeks together enjoying each others company, and then all of a sudden you tell your man you love him, and all hell breaks loose. He doesn’t think its possible. He tells you its too soon. He wonders if the relationship is a good idea anymore. He thinks he needs to pull back and distance himself, and does so. You’re freeking out. The man you had such a glorious connection with all of a sudden pulls away just because you tell him he’s amazing and you love him. Where did he go? Why did he pull back? What did you do? How can you fix it?
The issue comes down to the core of a persons psyche, their nervous system breaks open and starts to flutter in a million directions. Their mind goes a million miles and starts overanalyzing as a way to try to figure it out or protect itself. It comes down to attachment styles, and the source of someone’s attachment behaviors, where they came from, how they developed and what is safe for one person is terrifying to another.
We grew up in a certain household and developed attachment with our parents in a specific way based on who our parents were to us, how they treated us, and if they were too close or too far away when we needed them. Based on how this showed up as a child, we become a certain attachment style and the way we interact as an adult in relationship is exactly matched to what we needed as a child. It comes down to healing the inner child, and healing this attachment style. Not many people come to this place of healing their own attachment style. They think they are the way they are, and have to be with someone who won’t trigger their deeper wounds. But those deeper wounds are the core of the issues. The fears from either getting too close, or pulling too far back.
So the man you love, and you shared your feelings with wants to sabotage the relationship, and you try to fix it, by speaking soothing words, saying nice things, and backing off in words that will scare or trigger him. But you’re left with your own anxiety from him pulling away. And that too scares him. So, the solution is for both parties to heal both attachment styles; avoidant attachment who needs to pull away, and anxious attachment who is afraid of loss and needs to be close. Both need to develop inner security, confidence in their self love, and know that their partner still loves them, but is temporarily putting out signals and words of their own inner wounds and fear.
How can this be healed? How can someone heal their own inner attachment style?
The first thing is awareness!!!!
The next thing is being responsible!!!! Taking action and accountability for ones own behaviors and feelings and knowing they might be self sabotaging something great!
Take a step back and reflect on ones own fears!
Call a therapist who deals with attachment styles; particularly anxious attachment and avoidant attachment.
Go to a support group!
Meditate and calm your nervous system.
Keep getting together and stay in communication!!!!
Show each other you care by your actions and not as much your words! Have fun together and show each other you care!
All my Love and onward journey of healing and growth!
Don’t give up when you’ve just begun! This is where things go from challenging to amazing!
Letting Your Heart Open
After it has been months, or even perhaps years, after a relationship has ended (even if it was over before it was officially over), its a risk to open your heart again. Its important to take the time after the ending of a relationship to mend your heart, grieve, and let go of the past. However, when a new person, who you fancy, desire, have attraction for, and matches who you are, your vibration, your life practices, the things you love, your compatibility, perhaps your spirituality, and you have similar goals and desires for life, it seems like a fit. When your chakras are aligned or the level of awakening and development you have accomplished is a match to someone, it feels like you’re in heaven. Why not take the risk, and surrender to someone like this?
Well, after not having been with someone in a while, it can be scary. It takes guts to your open heart again. It takes being brave, especially to those who have gone through such challenging relationships in the past. But once you have loved, the ability to love will always return. Sometimes you need a little push. And, someone who’s a match is a perfect push to jump over that edge.
Have you ended a relationship not too long ago, and have fear of diving in with someone new? Are you afraid to get too close? And, if you feel like you’re getting close, do you immediately start to pull away or push away as soon as it gets comfortable?
Letting your heart open is a brave and amazing thing. It feels magical, like bliss, heaven, and the feeling of a new love, a new sweetheart can be scary, but it also can be utterly exciting! You don’t know the other person that well yet. You are in the discovery, the exploration, the journey, the ride. Let it be fun! Take the risk, and ride the wave of love! You might just land in the other persons arms, and be embraced with love like you’ve never known.
And, you do never know. The unknowing can be scary, and it can also be fun!
Sexual Astrology and Relationships
Sexual Astrology and Relationships. So, I’m going to get into a little Astrology here. When it comes to relationships and our sexual desires, astrology runs the show! We may think that its our minds, our hearts and our bodies that run the show, and that is certainly part of it, however, astrology is the ruler behind all of it.
So, let me share the signs.
If your Venus is in Aquarius, you will pretty much do whatever you feel like. Venus in Aquarius loves everyone, and they don’t exactly like to be tied down to anyone in particular either. Venus in Aquarius likes to be free, they like to party, have fun, and be like a child always. They are a friend to all, and don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings either, but they will always make sure their needs are met, even if they are attempting to make others happy too. And, in the end, no one can make anyone happy but them-self, and they try to stick to this motto. They are best with lovers who can accept them in their need for freedom, or they will move on to someone else.
If your Venus is in Pisces, you are the Intuitive Lover! You’ll be easily moved to emotional connection, and your emotions will guide you to your sexuality. If you are in love, and your feelings are hurt, your arousal may be quickly turned off. However, you are a water sign, so if you have a lot of passion, a lot of water will rise and bring your passions back alive. Pisces is the sign of the sensitive lover, and they feel everything inside of them. They move often like water, so in order to keep up with them, its best to try to move with them. Pisces is the kind lover, so they will often think of others before thinking of them-self. Whatever the other partner wants, they will do what they can, to make them happy.
If your Venus is in Aries, you may be quick to decide to be involved with someone, get sexual very quickly, and just as quickly decide you don’t like them anymore, and not put much effort into keeping it going. Aries is a fire sign, and can get hot very quickly, anger, frustration quickly, and sizzle out just as fast. So, the best way to keep a Venus in Aries in your life, is to not make them angry, or do what you can to make them fall back in love all over again.
If your Venus is in Taurus, you might be very committed, sensual, and loyal to the core. Taurus is the tantric master, and are very grounded in their love making, like to move very slowly, are the leaders of foreplay, and can take as long as needed. They don’t like to share their partners, and consider their partners their own possession, so they would not want to go out searching for extra lovers, even when troubles arise.
If your Venus is in Gemini, you might be a very talkative lover, you may love to laugh and giggle in bed, and be prone to making your lover laugh as well, or talk their head off and they may want you to “shut up” sometimes. A Gemini Venus would be a very creative lover, and more detached. When a relationship ends, it might be easy for you to move on and go to the next partner. They would have an easy time with polyamory, and less clingy or possessive than other signs.
If your Venus is in Cancer, you would be very clingy to your lover, not want to share at all, and feelings would get hurt easily. Venus in Cancer would have a hard time with polyamory, and may not even think of it. Family comes first with Cancer, and they may want to include their relationship into their family, and if they cannot include their partner into their family, they may not feel as though the relationship is a good match. Venus in Cancer in bed, may want to cuddle for hours, make love for hours, and hold onto their lover for a long time. They are very affectionate, sensitive, and emotional.
If your Venus is in Leo, you may want to run the show, lead the bed-style so to speak, and take charge of your sexual interactions. Venus in Leo would be very loyal, and proud of their partner. Leo likes to be playful, child-like and innocent. They are kind, giving and selfless. They too would not want to open the relationship to others. Leo’s are loyal, committed, and usually stay with their partner for a long time.
If your Venus is in Virgo, you may be the most detail oriented lover there is. You may have an idea of how you want your sexual interactions to go, and be very clear they are the best, and if your lover does not surrender to these desires, there could be problems. Love making to you will be like art, very precise, beautiful and divine. You would be best matched with another venus lover in an earth sign , like Venus in Capricorn, Taurus or Virgo (or possibly the water signs of Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio). Venus in Virgo would not want to be polyamorous. They are happiest with a committed partner.
If your Venus is in Libra, your desire for harmony and balance overpowers everything else. Your sexual drive will most likely be high. You are an air sign, and will be aroused through the intellect. You are best matched with other creative signs. Venus in Libra would be very romantic, and do what they can to keep the romance alive. In relationships, you want everyone to be happy, so if your partner is not happy, deep down, you cannot be fully happy either. You will do everything you can to make all people involved feel equally loved, supported and nurtured, whether it is a one on one relationship, or more.
If your Venus is in Scorpio, you will be the most possessive, controlling and demanding lover there is. You will be prone to go down dark paths, and do mysterious acts such as BDSM, bondage, torture play, blood play, knife play, anything kinky and wild, possibly journey torture chambers, hand cuffs, all kinds of sex toys, swingers clubs, or anyplace you can show up with your lover in chains, and more. Venus in Scorpio does NOT want to share his or her lover, and will do everything wild and eccentric to make their lover happy. Venus in Scorpio wants to be the boss, and once you are in their web, they don’t ever want you to leave. If you have an affair however, and they find out, their anger will take over, and they will shut you out of their cave forever. Forgiveness does not come easily with Scorpio, and you may be waiting a very long time.
If your Venus is in Sagittarius, however, you have the most free lover there is, even more so than Aquarius. Venus in Sagittarius likes to be the leader, but they are also the least detached emotional lover there is. They like to bring spirituality into their relationships and love making, and bring a sort of transcendental enlightened wisdom to the bedroom. They love big, but do not want to be held down. They are best with a lover who can honor their power and their need for freedom. They need to be held to the highest degree of their power and freedom, and if they are not, they will move onto to another partner who can appreciate and honor this aspect of them. It is a part of their soul and they cannot be anything else. They are best matched with another Venus in fire or air signs.
If your Venus is in Capricorn, you have the sensual sexual energy of Taurus, and are also extremely tantric, however, the grounding of taurus goes deeper with capricorn, and they are like ice and stuck like glue to their chosen lover. Once they have fallen in love with a partner, they want to mate for life with this partner. They immediately have desires of marriage, commitment, family and children. And, when troubles arise with the relationship, even after many months, they still keep their heart tied to the same partner, and will work through any challenges that arise to keep that love alive. It is very difficult for Venus in Capricorn to share their lover, or move on, even when it seems obvious to everyone around them it is time to let go. Venus in Capricorn, in their heart, mates for life, and even if they have a new relationship, will love their ex lover as though they were together just the day before! (They are best matched with other earth signs or water).
So, find out your true Venus sign, and you will know who you really are in the bedroom, and all the lovers you have ever been with!
Inspired from studying Jyotish Astrology lately, after studying western astrology since 1984.
Sex and Sadness
How can you feel passionate and sexy when you’re sad? How can you open up to your sexuality when you are grieving a loved one who died, or a family member of yours is very ill or hurt? How can you feel sexual when you and a partner recently broke up?
Opening up to your sexual essence is nearly impossible when major life events show up. Even one of these events can take someone down a downward spiral for months, but all of them at once seems like a Tsunami of change and where something major is happening to teach one a lesson, or to help grow towards greater enlightenment. I am talking about my personal life, and using it to help others. One of my dearest and best friends passed away recently, and her viewing was in fact on my birthday this year. It blew me away to realize how someone so young could move on. Her health was suffering, and even though she was much younger than me, she struggled to get to the source of her pain. She had a history of trauma and I spent many years trying to help her. My lesson in my relationship with her, is the same lesson in the bigger picture of all of these events (marriage ending, her death and a loved one getting severely hurt). The lesson is, I can’t heal everyone! As much as I want to help people, and perhaps be their hero, I can’t help all. And, I deeply tried to help her, but she rejected me year after year. The more I tried, it seemed the more she pushed me away. It’s amazing that right before her heart stopped, weeks prior she finally reached out to me, and asked for guidance on her spiritual development. I waited for over 15 years for her to be interested. But then it was too late. At 33, she moved on, with a beating heart that stopped and her breath became silent. Perhaps it was too much for her to try to heal in her body, and her personality would not allow it. Now, she can heal on the spirit realm, and perhaps in a new body and a new life, she can heal this life.
The end of a relationship also takes a toll. It’s like a death unto itself. You have to interact with that person in a whole new way. Grieving someone that is still living is a challenge alone. You wonder why things couldn’t work out. You wonder why they refused to heal, or were unwilling to admit their own responsibility in their own choices. You wonder why they project all their anger and blame of things they did, onto you. You can question it over and over again, but mental illness sometimes cannot be figured out. And, when the other person chooses not to heal or get help, the only thing left is to grieve. Being their friend is a challenge, because you don’t know when and if they’ll try to blame you for their own feelings again. It was such a challenge in walking away this time, that I decided to write about it. And perhaps, write about the struggle. And, maybe it could help others who loved someone with a mental illness. It’s NOT your fault! It’s not my fault. My heart is as big as The Divine Mother! But knowledge and wisdom in how to deal with someone like this, helps to end the pattern of being pulled back in, when they put on a beautiful act of being nice again. I’ll consider writing more of the story of this. Perhaps it could be a short story. However, the lesson again, is “I cannot help so much that I sacrifice my life away!”
And to top it off, my father fell and hit his head! He had a concussion with delirium. He had memory loss, but only half the time. The status is, is that he’s getting better! I am deeply grateful he is getting better and I’ll find out more tomorrow how much better he is. But at the height of his fall, I was there. I visited him for multiple days, and spent 5 or 6 hours a day just sitting with him, waiting until he woke up, helping him eat, and talking and laughing. It was very healing to be with him in this way, and he would say often, “why are you crying? I’m ok!” But I didn’t feel like he was ok. I said, “But you’re different!” And he said, “But my heart is the same!” And I smiled and said, “you are right!” It’s amazing how alike we are, and how much we get along; 2 Aries and my whole life I had no idea how similar we are until now. I am grateful to still have more years and time to spend with him, and I will continue to grow in the acceptance and understanding, that I am NOT superwoman, and I cannot save and fix everyone, but a part of me, will still always try!
So, the point of this writing, Sex and Sadness….how can one be in touch with their sexuality when they are feeling sadness? Well, simply, they cannot! One has to go through the sadness, to get to the sexiness. Many people try to ignore their feelings, their sadness, their anger, or disappointment, etc and go straight to the sexual feelings. And, then they wonder why nothing sexual is happening! Well, the answer is right in front of you! You have to feel all of your feelings, the happy ones AND the sad ones in order to feel to juicy ones! Bad feelings don’t go away by ignoring them, then they only get suppressed deeper. The more you can feel your painful feelings, the more bliss and joy you can feel when they move through you and release out of your body! And, the body WILL tell you when painful feelings are there! It ALWAYS will, so you might as well go through them, and not try jumping over them! There is a much greater reward in the end when you do!
“Instead of getting on medication, for stresses, just FEEL your feelings! Then all that stress and heavy feelings just simply go away! But you have to feel deeply, and at your core, or it will only come back until you finally face yourself again!”
When you are carrying upset in your heart, be it sadness, making someone wrong, holding resentment, judgment or anger, sexual energy may be missing and at most, going into the act of sex will be for the wrong reasons. The idea of sex is a very personal matter. And when it comes to Sex and Being Upset, at the person you hold the most dear to your heart, it makes sense that the sexual drive may be lacking or absent all together.
Is it more important to you to have sex, or is it more important to you to be connected to the person you love? What I mean by Sex and Being Upset is, do you find yourself driven by the desire of sex more than the drive to have love in your heart with the person dearest to you?
Perhaps the person dearest to you, you have given up on, or perhaps you have been resigned about something you are upset about and have decided not to deal with it, talk about it or confront it with the person. When I say “Being Upset”, I mean simply being upset. Not everyone is willing to admit that they are just simply upset with the person they love. They might find it more appealing to focus instead on sex, or focus instead on another person, or another activity. But when it comes down to it and after much time has passed, the reality is you may be upset with someone. Maybe you left the relationship all-together and are even trying to date someone new, but don’t even know why you are 1. either not attracting anyone new in your life, or 2. are not feeling fulfilled by the new person, or 3. have no sexual drive with the new person at all. Consider that you just may be upset with the person you were previously with, and on many levels still love them very much!
If you are still open to the person you deeply love, cheers to you for realizing your love, and being committed to waiting until the time is right to work out your differences. Not everyone is willing to wait to work things out. Many people often give deadlines and say, “I will give you 6 months,” or “I will give you 1 year to x,” or “If this doesn’t work out by the end of this year or next year xxx….” and what you have is an ultimatum, and ultimately a heart that is blocked and shut down, and incompletion with a solution with the exact person you love the most!
When your heart is shut down from the person you love the most, do you still have sex with them? What is your sex like? Does it satisfy and fulfill you? Or do you feel something is missing and an emptiness?
No one is perfect, and upset happens. You are a human being. We all have upsets. They come and go and then you work it out. But when you don’t work it out, what do you do? How do you deal with your upsets with the person you love the most? Do you avoid them, walk away and try to resolve it on your own? Do you talk to your friends for advice? Do you shut out the world and pretend it didn’t happen?
And when there is something missing with the person you love the most, do you know that you are actually just holding onto something, and upset with them?
Sometimes the act of forgiveness, love, and letting go of something that happened or how you are feeling about someone close to you is harder than many people know. Deciding to forgive someone, and telling yourself you forgive them, is not nearly the same as truly dealing with your feelings, unraveling them as far as they need to go, and then knowing 100% for sure you have forgiven them is a completely different thing! Admitting to yourself that you are upset, your feelings are hurt and telling the real truth to the person you love, is the first step in truly forgiving them, and when you can do that, you just might start to unravel your feelings and open up your heart again! And if your heart is open, doesn’t it only make sense that your sexual drive returns, your passion and your state of peace and satisfaction? 🙂
It is a true gift! And, sometimes we need an outside person to kick us in the head and open our eyes! And then, all the rewards show up!
It is important for women to be treated and adored for who we are, but is even more important that the man (the main man if you are polyamorous or have an open relationship) we are with eventually choose us fully, make a decision and commit. Loving a man who won’t commit eventually wears on us and tears us down. We start to resent them, regret our choices and spend our time and lives dreading the choice we made in being with him but also torn because our core wants him to just commit fully already.
Some women don’t care about marriage, and are happy being free-spirits for the rest of their lives, but many women prefer the latter. I myself, spent the last 8 years waiting for the man I love to finally choose me, settle down, pick up the plate in his career and get us a place to move in together. As a tantrica who has been trained in the sexual healing arts, and has been giving for a long time deep healing for others, it has been devastating to be the one who didn’t get what she wanted.
Do you know what happens to a woman’s yoni when she is not being fully embraced in her love and her sexuality and supported to go really deep with her true beloved? Her yoni (womb/sexual organ) clamps down. It disappears into itself, and instead of expanding outside and being fully open, orgasmic and ready for love, her flower gets tight and hides. Many times a woman’s flower hides out of fear, or anger or sadness, but sometimes it hides simply because it is not being seen. Just as she is not being seen, so too is her yoni! They go hand and hand and together when they are supported and loved, they both also rock the world and ignite anyone who is near her!
Loving a Man who Won’t Commit and women’s sexuality are like partner’s in crime. In order to fully ignite your sexuality, choose everything that works for ‘you’, and life will bring you flowers!
Most people dream about being close to the person they love the most. They often wake up from dreams in the morning of their wife or husband that they are distant or separated from; just succumbing to the what’s so. Their heart aches to be close to them; even though their mind often tells them they don’t like this about them, or that, or that they’ll never agree or be able to compromise on anything. Couples often stay in the wishful thinking stage, or suppressing their truest hearts desires and just accepting that the relationship won’t get any better, when in fact, this is simply not true.
Perhaps you are blaming yourself for your relationship being distant, or you are blaming your partner, and put all your anger on him or her. Perhaps you’ve given up on the relationship all together because you don’t know what’s possible, and you end up believing what you truly desire is not possible at all.
Many women stay in an unhappy relationship, not knowing how to change things, or their partner and wishing he will change. Many men don’t make an effort at all; even though they tell themselves they want to heal the relationship or be close to their wife, and go to a mistress, a sex parlor, an erotic salon, a sex surrogate, or an escort just to try to fill the void and lack of intimacy they are getting with the partner they really love. They make no effort to heal the root cause; nor try to heal their own issues so that his wife might fall back in love with him all over again.
But what men and women both crave deeper than anything in the world, is to feel a deep intimate connection with the person they love, that they married or are in a committed relationship with. People don’t want to have to go to other lovers, or temporary affairs to avoid the pain of the distance with their partner. What their heart craves more than anything, is to be held and caressed in the arms of their lover, their wife or husband and to know that the person they deeply love, cares for them, accepts them, and deeply desires them and loves them in return. It is a dream come true when their beloved can return their love to the man or woman they are the closest to, and fall in love all over again with the same person.
It is totally possible that you can fall in love again, with the same person, and in fact, fall in love with this same person over and over again! I can help you fall in love again, and remove the emotional pain, blocks, upsets and disappointments that have gotten in the way of the innocent freshness and intimate love you deserve!
When we let go of control, and surrender to someone else’s it does something to our spirit, our heart, our relationship with the other person, but also the relationship to ourselves and all the other relationships in our lives. We get lost in the mess of the relationship and become something; someone else. It’s like the expression “trying to fit a square peg into a round hole” and it never works!
It is important to honor someone else’s feelings, beliefs, opinions and needs, however, not at the expense of your own, and in particular not at the expense of one’s own life. Sometimes we can forget who we are, and forget ourselves during that drive to make someone else happy. However, if the other person, your partner, does not honor, value and hold your own feelings, needs, beliefs and opinions up high and shuns them, ignores them and just quietly smiles that he (or she) is getting everything they need and want and avoiding you, the relationship is not worth staying in. In psychological terms, one might call that a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship, but on more common terms, the relationship is just not healthy, and definitely not balanced.
There MUST be balance for a relationship to work. There must be a healthy give and take, and if someone is getting something at the expense of the other person and incapable of seeing how they are hurting the other person, only doing their best to manipulate, coerce and control them, it is definitely a toxic relationship.
Make your life your own, and on occasion hold someone else’s hand, (but not at the expense of yours)!
Boundaries in Intimacy are different with every person.
“Intimacy means being able to be fully present with yourself and another at the same time.” Staci Haines.
“Intimacy means being willing to experience conflict, and to use conflict to deepen your intimacy. It means risking trust with another at deeper and deeper levels over time.” Staci Haines.
Building Intimacy involves major components such as: Embodiment, consent, openness to emotions, healing through triggers, trust, self-forgiveness, authenticity, self-awareness, listening, presence with yourself and another, patience, time and acceptance with what is. Building Intimacy takes time and cannot happen immediately. It can take a few sessions before the level of trust grows strong enough to do an Intimacy Therapy Session. Building Intimacy Before Our First Session: emails & phone calls:
When emailing me, please tell me as specifically as possible what you are interested in, your intentions for our session, what your needs are, and your level of experience with Spirituality, Healing and Tantra. When you have questions about fees or sessions that are not clear to you on my website, it is always best to talk to me live.
Before meeting, I like to go over a few things that help us both to feel at ease with our initial connection. A questionnaire for new clients: This is not mandatory, however, it gives me an idea of your intention, experience, and openness to healing AND it gives you an idea of the value of our work together. If you are unclear about anything, it is always best to discuss it before we begin, and not during or after. However, if you need to wait for personal reasons, I will honor your feelings and need to do so.
Ways to Build Intimacy Are: Practice being with yourself and with another (your husband/wife/partner or alone) at the same time. Treat conflict and resistance as something that can build intimacy. Communicate openly and truthfully (to yourself and the other present) Practicing Self-Dignity: Communicate out of love and acceptance. If something comes up for you communicate by taking responsibility for your feelings and reactions. Communicate in a non-blaming attitude to give and receive more love. Understand if triggers and emotions come up for you, it is your process, and a temporary situation that will build to something beautiful. Build trust: I, as a Tantra Educator, like to take the first and second session to build trust in our relationship together as client and practitioner. Blessings to you on this beautiful journey of love, transformation and healing. Asttarte.
Boundaries with Your Significant Other and Choosing to Do A Tantra Session If you have boundaries with your partner, your wife, your husband or loved one and are unsure of the work we would do together in Session, please ask me all your questions before our Session or at the beginning of our time together! Nothing is ever done without your permission! Nothing is EVER done without an agreement between you as the client and I as the Practitioner! If you and your wife/husband or lover have an agreement to be exclusive, and don’t know what these Sessions entail, please ask to clarify any concerns you may have! If you are choosing the receive Tantra Healing without the Agreement with your husband/wife or partner, that is your choice! We will only explore avenues that will be of help to you! And, just to help you gain further comfort, any Session we do together will help you be a better lover with your partner, feel more at peace with your partner and be more of the lover they wish you to be. These Sessions are not meant for you to start a new Relationship with me. I have my own life, my own family, and I am only here as a Healer, Guide and Practitioner to you! I wish for you all the love you ever dreamed of! ~Namaste!~~~
Welcome to the gift of your spirit, the zest for life, a nurturing energy that purifies the heart, opens your throat, your speaking and creativity, your intuition, your wisdom, your passion for love, and a center to ground you to your truth once again. When one’s chakras are clouded, mucky, and stuck, so too is ones life, their heart and their spirit and the energy that brings ones journey to feel nurtured, loved, fulfilling and supportive of their true calling; their passion and drive and the very source of what makes life worth living.
I love how spirit reminds me of the importance to be pure, and when I am not, life shows up as the same. As I purify myself, and my energy is thriving, so too is all life around me. Each chakra has a significant importance to a very specific area of your life, your energy, your bodies flow, the emotional nature you are made up of, and the very core thing that drives you to be as natural and authentic as you!
There are many books on the chakras, and many teachers who bring wisdom of insight on the chakras. However, I like to remind those with interest, the importance and relevance the chakras have on every single aspect of our lives, and how all parts of our lives are impacted by the level of clarity our chakras exist in. You may find knowledge on the chakras through yoga, or chi gung, or reiki, taoism, chinese medicine, ayurveda, massage, different religions, books on meditation, health, psychology, and many others. However, not one will be more right than the other. They all have wisdom and they all have truth.
“To be pure is to be you, and to be you is the greatest gift life has to offer!”
When we are clouded, we are letting life control us. When we take the time to become clear, and pure, we bring a freshness to life that offers a new set of eyes each and every time we cleanse ourselves to our wholeness again! Choose to be clear, and you choose to be you! I will choose me over and over again! I hope you too, choose your true self every time!
The root chakra, anchors you to the earth, helps one feel secure, connected to their bodies and the world around them.
The second or sacral chakra is ones center of creativity, their relationship portal and the openness or closeness one has to be intimate with others.
The third or solar plexus, is ones control and power center, and the area one allows to be controlled by others or to choose to take control of ones life in their own hands.
The heart or 4th chakra, the area of giving and receiving love, the most basic human need, and yet often the one many block or resist out of fear, sadness or worry.
The 5th or throat chakra, the area of ones speaking their voice, their truth, to be heard what is deep inside of them, and the place their creativity leaves the body.
The 6th or third eye center, where one can see the future, their intuition, inner wisdom, insight, ability to trust in the unknown, and receive spiritual guidance and messages.
The crown or 7th chakra, where one is connected to spirit, God, the infinite and the essence to all that is; where one feels the openness to their innocence and the sacredness to the divine.
I am grateful for another opportunity to be cleared, and a vehicle to open the door to wisdom, and a place for my creativity to be opened and anchored in the world! I hope you all have a chance to create clarity for yourselves and the support to allow the purity to unravel. If not, let us set the tone for another opportunity to grow! Feel free to call or email and ask for support as you need it!
As my beloved Sufi friend says, “People are medicine for the people!”
Many Blessings and love, light and sunshine!
Here is my first video I made on the Dynamics and Approaching a Woman in your life. There will definitely be a Volume 2, and so on to this, and I may at some point re-do the 1st one and create an Introduction instead. However, this is the 2nd video I made. Like I said, these are the baby steps to creating videos. I may be getting some professionals to help out of this, or I may just get better at doing this myself. I’ll be playing with different lighting, backgrounds, and spacial arrangements to see what is best, but the delivery is good. I hope you enjoy this, and find it, at the least, a bit helpful.
I was not looking at notes in this one. I was just looking down while I was thinking and choosing my next words. I sometimes pause to think of what I am going to say next. I like the distance of my face the best in this, but I will be creative with this process with you, and am happy to make changes as people recommend things to try.
I am in the process of creating a Video for the Book: Mystery of Women, and will be working on getting this succinct. I am enjoying this journey of sharing what I love to you, and hope you are enjoying my journey of giving it just as much!
Withholding Your Love
When you withhold love from the people you love, what is it you are gaining? Are you withholding in order to protect yourself? Are you holding onto resentment or regret? How long will you continue to hold onto these feelings? Are you doing it because you feel you are right? How does it feel to be right? Does it make you feel strong, proud, confident or some other emotion?
Choosing to be right is the old paradigm of communication and only creates distance, separation, upset, and keeps your-self under control; rather than dealing with how you really feel; a loss for the connection to the person you love.
How many people do you choose to withhold your love from? If you think about it, there are probably at least half a dozen people you are withholding love from. If you are not feeling utter peace and joy in the presence of those you care about, you are withholding love; even in the subtlest capacity.
Withholding your love keeps your body in an armored state; your chest becomes tighter, your breathing is more shallow, your body feels rigid and anxious.
When you’re upset at the person you love the most, and holding on to anger in your body while taking your time to get over the anger, having a hard time releasing the anger, or hoping eventually it will go away, no matter what you will be withholding your love from this person, AND withholding love from yourself as well. When you are not present to your anger or upset, it may feel like it is the other persons fault. But in fact, you are the only person who can forgive and let this go.
What do you do when you are upset at the person you love?
Do you take hours, weeks, months, or years to forgive?
When you have upset or anger, do you decide to date someone else, hang out with your friends instead, ….
Let Drama Fade
Often times, when there is drama going on around you, with clients, friends or others, without knowing it, it can effect our marriage or significant relationship(s) and cause us to feel distant, in need to take space to be alone and cleanse ourselves from the interactions with others.
When speaking to those who are going through something intense, if they are dear to you and you care for them, the best thing you can do to help them sometimes is to pull back and walk away giving them time to process and heal in their own time. Sometimes we have to let friends or people we love go in order to continue in our own growth and progress, and to keep our marriages and relationships happy.
Every single person we interact with every single day, whether through texting, skype, the phone, email, instant messaging, Facebook, twitter, video chat or in person all effects us on some level. And how sensitive we are to their drama, to their pull on our energy or sadness at their distance will affect our most significant partnerships. It may show up as though the partnership is having difficulty, but in fact its something else. Not everyone has words to express these experiences. Some people choose to keep their outside experiences to themselves. Some partners choose to share everything. However, what you share or what you don’t share will bleed into the very important aspects of your life.
Give your friend or client, etc a break and without feeding into their need for your continued attention, just separate. Don’t respond. Let time pass. Let them heal, and in the process, take care of your own energetic needs. Keep your energetic space clean and be a leader in ending the drama; just don’t give into it. Perhaps they will reach out to you again later and realize what they were doing, perhaps they will never learn, or perhaps they will come back later and apologize.
When you take care of your relationships that are going on around you, you are also taking care of the relationship to yourself and to your most significant loved one(s).
As some of you know, I’ve been getting back into my love for crystals since I was a child. I’ve been collecting new crystals for my alter, my own healing and for clients. And I placed an order for a few necklaces from Singapore, with one beautiful light blue mala as a gift. And the woman who was selling these had asked me out of the blue if I would know anyone who would like a few charms from another culture with a foreign language on it, and a Temple I had never heard of. I had accepted and said if I couldn’t use them, that I knew friends who could. Well, the package arrived today (after about 3 weeks since this conversation and order). I ended up opening the gift package first, and what came out of the bag blew my eyes wide open. As a Tantra Practitioner, I like surprises and can certainly handle them, and today I was a little stunned and am still laughing about it. I pulled out of the neatly packaged bag with bows and tissue paper, a set of 7 or 8 tiny little ligham charms, or in English, little tiny charms that look like penises. They are a brass or other metal with little inscriptions on the sides, and from some high energy Temple I don’t know where, but I’ll certainly do some research to find out. The next surprise were these large wooden size lingham’s (penises) nicely packaged in a sealed plastic bag, to use for beading or other such crafting. And 2 Phra Rahu Dragon Charms.
I suppose this woman did not know the depths of my Tantric Practice, but these little gifts from the universe are a perfect metaphor and symbol that I am doing the work I am supposed to be doing, and a nice little boost to the kundalini sexual energy as well!
Rahu is the Dark Goddess in Buddhism, like Kali is to Hindu’s. In Jyotish Astrology there is the Rahu and Ketu period one must overcome in each person’s lifetime. Coming to the end of this period is a celebration, as this is something I myself am doing right now, but while going through it, it does take a LONG time, and honoring the darkness of life, and surrendering to those who help support it, is an act many Budddhists and Hindu’s understand as a natural part of life.
Here is one similar to the metal lingham that look like the ones I have. You’ll have to wait until you come visit with me again to get a closer look! It fits perfectly with my Kali, Ganesh and Tree of Life Charm necklace!
Thank you Universe!
Here are some links reflective of the beads and gifts:
|Add No not professionally done; reminds me that is something important to do soon!|