Couples Marriage Coaching
I’m thrilled to announce I’ve been doing more Couples and Marriage Coaching Sessions! Some couples choose to come see me separately and one on one, and some choose to see me together. While, I am great at one on one coaching, I am even better with couples! When someone comes to me privately, my focus is on helping the individual, and all the issues they are dealing with. However, not all the issues may be obvious when they come alone. I only see one persons perspective this way, and will always take to their side. When they come together, my goal is to support both individuals, and I have a bigger picture to work with, and an awareness of whats going on from both perspectives, and hence, a much bigger understanding of the healing that is needed.
I then pick up on the joint energy between the couple, the joint patterns, the joint triggers, and all the work that is needed to heal a relationship can be done right there on the spot. I still start with a gentle breathing or meditation practice, then move into coaching for each individual, and conversation of course will happen for both sides; taking turns. We may move into forgiveness practices, acknowledging the other partner, eye gazing, breathing together, and emotional processing that is needed for each person that is at the core of the feelings inside of each of them. If we can move beyond all of these practices and the issues have been resolved, then we can move to the next stage of healing for your beloved and your relationship.
I still teach Tantra and Spiritual practices, however, they come after we have sorted out the major obstacles that are keeping your relationship separate or distant. Just like private sessions, working with the couple, both parties need to feel like they have gotten the support they needed, and each persons feelings are taken into account, as well as each persons individual issues and triggers. If the issues go beyond my abilities as a Coach, and the person needs more clinical help, we will discuss how I can be helpful alongside this, to continue the growth and healing of the relationship.
Both people in the couple must want to heal their relationship in order for the relationship to improve. If only one person wants to heal, and the other does not, we will address that in session. Or, if only one person thinks the other needs to work on them-self, and the other does not, we will find out if this is true, and how one in the couple can help the other to heal or grow. Sometimes, the support of just knowing your Beloved cares about you and wants you to be happier and feel better, and being a witness to your growth is all it takes. And sometimes, this inspires the other person in the relationship to realize they need to look at them-self too!
The cycle of making the other partner wrong is at the core of all relationships! When you can take personal responsibility for your half and how you are being with your partner, most obstacles melt away!
Sex and Dating
I’ve mentioned in past posts how sex can bring up deeper issues hidden in the core of someone’s being. If the issues that are brought up were not dealt with before, or are triggered by the new lover and come to the surface, the best thing to do is face them head on. Sometimes the feelings that come up from the past is something you would rather stuff to the ground, repress it, keep it hidden, not confront it at all. But how do you move past a superficial connection to something magical, powerful, harmonious and beautiful if you ignore what is showing up for you? A relationship is a powerful tool for healing and can be a miraculous journey of growth, if you let it.
The best thing to do, is get clarity on where you are at, and sit with it, breathe with it, and feel into it. Communicate with your lover/partner/girlfriend that you are working through something. Don’t leave them in the dust to try to figure it out, guess and wonder what’s going on. Communicate at least to let them know you are ok, you’re processing something, and will return once you feel more complete on what has been brought up for you. If you like the person, and there’s potential of a great relationship, do your potential partner the courtesy of communicating with them; even if its minimal communication. Let them know what’s going on, you’re still around, and will return. This acknowledges the new potential relationship that there is a connection and hope of a relationship still exists.
Its totally ok if you have been triggered into your deeper issues, wounds, feelings. This the woman would see as a strength, and she would respect you for it. If you neglect her existence, she might not think you care, and may very well move on to someone new! So speak up, say something. Show you care, and don’t be silent! Your voice, your feelings and your relationship matters! It’s the stepping stone to something wonderful!
This is often a huge reason why I suggest becoming friends with your potential lover or partner before engaging in deeper intimacy with them. So, there is trust, safety and love, and you know they aren’t going anywhere just because a trigger came up. Its something that can be worked through, and the foundation of the relationship has already been built. Relationships always bring up things for people. If someone runs at the first trigger in the relationship, the possibility for a relationship with that person is impossible! There’s many more things to work through, and if you run at the first chance of a trigger, no relationship with ever grow!
Let’s hope for foundation to be built in new relationships, safety, trust, love and breakthroughs to happen again and again!
When To Go Past Dating
How do you know when to take your relationship past the dating point? How do you know when to start kissing, being intimate, or becoming sexual? If you want the relationship to last, and not be just a sexual fling, it is often best to avoid deeper acts of sex and intimacy until you know for sure the relationship feels solid. There is that rocky stage in a new relationship where you want to be intimate, but you also want it to be the real thing. How do you know how long to wait and when to go past dating? Do you wait one month, three months, or four? Timing can be everything for each couple, and each individual.
It is crucial to discover how serious the person you are dating is, especially if you want something serious. And if you find out two months in, they don’t want anything serious, its much easier to walk away if you haven’t had sex. But what if you have? Then what do you do? Do you walk away as soon as you know your goals are different? Or do you wait it out to see if perhaps the other person is not sure yet?
Most of the time, if someone tells you in the beginning of a relationship, that they don’t want anything serious, you should really listen to them. If they tell you they just want to have fun, or want to remain celibate, or are not looking for long term commitment, you should take whatever words they say literally. Their actions may be different than their words, but its the words in the very beginning that define how they will truly be later. If someone hints to you that they “think” maybe they are Bipolar, or that they have had a history of being afraid after things start to get serious, and hide or pull away, LISTEN to them! All of these initial honest clues will impact the rest of your relationship, and if they told you these things from the beginning, you WERE forewarned!!!
If your date, warned you about some major things that would impact your dreams of a healthy and serious relationship, and you didn’t listen, that’s your fault! You need to be the one to walk away, and you need to be the stronger one; not them. They are wounded, scared, conflicted, confused, or perhaps just a jerk. You need to be the wise one! And choose whether to go past dating and of deeper into the relationship, or end it!
It is best NOT to have any sexual intimacy with someone until you know for sure who they are, their habits, beliefs, goals, if you could be good friends, if they are healthy, if you are compatible, and if you can really see yourself with them for the long term. When you jump in right away, not truly discovering their true colors, things get sticky and challenging, and it only causes more pain later. Be smart, and wait. Trust your gut, and listen to your heart!
Viagra vs Tantra Transformation
There are many sources of what is causing your erection to not be as strong as it used to be, and if we find out the source, often we can also find the solution!
I’ve been doing tantra healing work now for over 11 years, and it’s amazing, but even more amazing is having added the tools of tantra, to my previous Reiki Master training, and Energy Healer trainings, along with Life Coaching and Psychotherapy tools. If I hadn’t had all that training, I probably wouldn’t be able to say that I can help someone with sexual dysfunction issues, or trauma stuck in his or her sacral chakra, or solar plexus, heart chakra, or somewhere else.
So what’s amazing, is that I find people who are on the fence with getting viagra, and have heard tons of horrible stories about it, and I stop them right there, and say, “Please DON’T take that stuff!” Too many bad stories about it, and way to dangerous! But what I do tell them is that I might be able to help. Most guys are looking for their erection. They wonder why they have gone limp, and often they are in a long term relationship or marriage when this happens. Most of the guys I have had success with this are 60 and younger. The guys older than this, the success rate is less, because it turns into a health issue and then we have to address the health. I don’t have as much experience of success helping it from a health standpoint, but I am learning and may take some further training so I do have more success.
However, if it is psychological, mental, emotional, or an energetic or spiritual reason, I can certainly help! Often it is one of these. For example, if you’re having trouble with your erection, but you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, most of the time, it is due to issues within the relationship, and we will move into Relationship Coaching to discuss the patterns in the relationship, or issues that might be causing some distance. If you don’t feel distant from your partner, and the relationship is going well, then it is an issue with yourself, something internal you are feeling, something you need to process and let go of, or perhaps something you need to forgive yourself for, or someone else.
Another example, if you are angry at your girlfriend/wife/partner and you are unable to get aroused, there’s your answer; the anger. Perhaps you have suppressed the anger and think you can ignore it, but then your body is telling you clearly that you cannot ignore it, by your loss of arousal or erection, then we can get to work on processing the source of the anger. If your partner has been blaming you for something, or judging you, or not appreciating or respecting you for something, and then you go to have sex with her, and are unable to get aroused, sorting through your own feelings about how she had been treating you up to this point, is what will help the erection come back.
Another option, is if you have a pattern of losing interest in being in relationship with someone, let’s say for 3 months or 6 months, and a year has gone by in a newer relationship, and the sex just doesn’t seem to be working as well as it did in the beginning, we may need to address some deeper core issues around commitment, intimacy, and the desire for freedom. This falls more into attachment styles, and if you have a tendency to be dismissive or avoidant in your relationships, and don’t know why you have lost your interest to be close, intimate or even sexual, we will look at the source of this. Often it is something way deeper than you think!
Another possibility is if you are still in love with your ex! Let’s say you got into a new relationship and perhaps at your core, were not done grieving your ex, there’s a chance that you still are in love with your ex, and the energy between you and your ex also is still attached. This happens on a psychic level, and we will then do a spiritual energy cleansing process I call Cord Cutting, to help detach you from your ex, so you can feel your own body, and experience your life from a fresh start!
To go deeper into this possibility (still being in love with your ex), let’s say you are still in a committed marriage or relationship, and you decide to open it up and have an affair or perhaps your wife/beloved is fully aware of you seeing someone else, and your body is not a match for the decision you made! Your body, and your genitals, are telling you, that you are still committed to someone else, and you may have guilt, or a lack of integrity with yourself about the new relationship! Then you may be fully ok with dating, friendly, happy, playful, and can cuddle and even have great foreplay, but when the act of sex comes around, you shut down!
Massage and stimulation won’t alter your bodies response to what’s going on inside of you. If your erection is weak, or missing all together, the answer is not a physical stimulation, or even a drug that changes your physical reaction. The answer is what is underneath your bodies response. Our bodies are very powerful tools for what is going on inside of us, and whether you are a man or a woman, it doesn’t make a difference. Your body will communicate to tell you what is going on emotionally, mentally, energetically, and spiritually. We are a spiritual body, and often the answer to a pain, or in this case, a lack of arousal, you have to look much deeper than the physical. You can stimulate for hours and days upon days, until your sore or bruised, but it won’t transform the reaction until you do the real work; whats waiting inside of you; your heart, your feelings, your core emotional and spiritual self!
There are many sources of what is causing your erection to not be as strong as it used to be, and if we find out the source, often we can also find the solution!
Much Love and Joy to your passionate journey of yourself!
Relationships and Fear
It’s amazing how after a relationship has gotten to a point of feeling so amazing that the connection is divinely pure, harmonious and feels magical, that once words are put on this, the relationship falls to the gutter. Perhaps people can’t handle putting words to what is happening. They see it as a threat, or they are afraid to admit what is actually going on. I call this a Love Poison. How can one person in the relationship feel so incredible and when words are shared, their partner feels like running and hiding?
How does this start in the first place?
Both partners are happy, filled with bliss, love and magic, and the connection feels beautiful. They hold each other often, kiss often, give each other affectionate touches and glances, and then the words cause one person to retract, or contract within themselves.
I’m going to go into Attachment styles again here. There are some people in our society who have a Healthy Attachment. This is when as a child, the infant and toddler received love and attention from the mother and primary parent, when it was desired, when the child cried, and asked for help. There was a balance of give and take and the child’s needs were met with ease, not too much, and not too little.
When a child was smothered and given too much attention and the parent was worried and frantically jumped to their childs needs right away or even before it was asked, the child can then become anxious. The child can also become anxious if he or she waited around crying constantly and not feeling heard, or feeling ignored and not having their needs met at all. They can then become anxious as well.
If a child was smothered and given attention all the time, even when it wasn’t wanted, the child can then become avoidant as an adult. If a child was forced into being affectionate, or yelled at by the parent, and didn’t want the affection and didn’t do anything wrong, but the parent is hyper possessive and protective, perhaps insecure or angry, it can also cause a child to become avoidant.
These three dynamics are just a subtle difference, but can cause all the difference in the child and eventual adult. And, most people don’t know where their behaviors stem from. They think they have to remain this way for the rest of their life, or at the most, manage it.
In the book, Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner, it talks about the different attachment styles, and how to understand a partner who is an avoidant, and be more supportive to his or her emotional style. In the book, Anxious in Love, it talks about a person who becomes Anxious and how to heal oneself from this style and put less pressure on your partner who is not anxious, as well as exercises a couple can do together. I’m going to be studying more about this psychological concept on my own, and will share my studies here as inspired. Another good book, for the anxious adult, who grew up with absent parents, (emotionally or physically) is a great book called: The Emotionally Absent Mother; a guide to self healing and getting the love you missed.
Often, adults who have already healed traumas, childhood abuse, or perhaps a mental illness, would be ready to heal this type of treatment. If there are still unresolved traumas, or abuse within the system, one may not be ready to take on healing their core attachments with their significant caretakers. It takes many layers to unravel the self, and each process has its value and importance. When one is ready, the attachment style is a journey very worth undertaking, and leads one towards beautiful and healthy relationships, perhaps for the first time in their lives. I wish everyone to have the courage to heal all the layers of them-self, and to trust that each stage they are in, is exactly where they are meant to be!
Desire After Being Single
What happens after you’ve spent a long time being single after a breakup? I know there are many of you out there. You end a long term relationship with someone, for very psychological reasons, and choose to be alone to get over them fully, not jumping into a new relationship out of fear of being alone. You are perfectly content with being alone, and don’t choose to get involved with someone creating what they call a “rebound relationship”. Your desire starts coming back, and you want to make the right choices with who to be with. This is more a Relationship Coaching post (that I would normally post on MyLoverMyBestFriend.wordpress.com), however, there are also elements of Tantra in it as well.
You have a craving for passion, and yet, aren’t finding partners you feel aligned with, are not a good match, or perhaps aren’t even attracted to at all. Perhaps you’ve become more serious, or want to choose more seriously, not jumping into something out of lust or sexual frustration. However, you also have needs. You are a human being. Needs for pleasure and desire are perfectly normal.
What have you done to take care of those needs? What you choose to do, hopefully is done out of healthy reasons. Some, I’m sure will go to bars, strip clubs, and some men out there even go so far as calling a prostitute, a surrogate, or sexual healer. However, those aren’t always an option, and sometimes they are not good choices.
Going to Cuddle gatherings is a great way to receive the nurturing touch you need, and perhaps find a new play partner at the same time.
Finding someone who is willing to be a cuddle buddy, or be a buddy in general is a great solution.
Finding a friend who is a casual connection and there is a attraction as well, is a great way to support that need for passion and desire.
Perhaps you want to find someone who would love to do a massage trade is a good answer.
Perhaps joining a group of something you’re interested in.
Perhaps a poly group, a swingers club, or even a book club.
And, some like to go to events such as Om (Orgasmic Meditation) through One Taste to fulfill their needs.
And others like to just hang out with friends, looking for that special someone and practice orgasms for one.
Whatever you choose, know you are not alone! There are others out there too, and you can find ways to fulfill your desires in your way, and in your own style!
Vulnerability into Pleasure
Many people think tantra is just a term and an excuse to be sexual and erotic.
That is the furthest from the truth of what tantra truly is.
The purpose of tantra is not to be erotic
But to be loved.
How is tantra a path to feel love, but not feel erotic?
The answer is, it’s both.
Safety and love must come before feeling sexual, period.
If someone tries to feel erotic before feeling safe and love,
they’re skipping too many steps ahead.
Go back a few steps, and you might end up where you want to be.
Maybe you don’t need to feel safe.
Maybe you don’t have a single bone of softness in you.
Maybe you can jump into the sexual, before the sensual.
There is a layer of vulnerability there, you are unwilling to see.
Consider every human has fragile emotions.
You might just be covering yours up with erotic energy.
Slow down a little bit, and you’ll feel love energy.
Give your partner a chance to catch up to your sexual energy,
and you’ll both be a match
And intimate love will never be the same.
Do you feel anxious, irritable or frustrated?
What is it you are not letting yourself feel?
What are the feelings that are hiding underneath the surface?
What emotions are you hiding from?
What feelings popped up in a moment, and then went away soon after?
The pop up feelings are a clue. Dig deeper.
Surrender to them. Breathe into them. Feel them.
Notice. Investigate. Become a detective to your own feelings.
Is it anger? Breathe into anger.
Is it sadness? Breathe into sadness.
It is regret? Breathe into regret.
Is it despair? Breathe into despair.
Is it joy? Breathe into joy.
Is it love? Breathe into love.
Any feeling you feel, and breathe into, will make the feeling bigger, and either move through your body and let go, or feel more love, more joy, and more pleasure as you breathe into them.
Breathing into anger, despair, regret, sadness is loving them, and they will surrender, breathe through you, drop into nothingness, and transform into pleasure.
Tantra is a path of healing.
What is it you are healing today?
What parts of yourself are you expanding?
How will you shift vulnerability into pleasure today?
No one is ever going to be the same energy level at exactly
the same time every time you desire it.
Someone is going to have to slow down and be patient for the other.
It’s never about forcing someone to meet you where you are,
But always about surrendering to meet them where they are.
Are you surrendering to your Beloved?
Are you making them feel safe, or threatened?
Are you putting frustration onto them, or love?
Can you go deeper into surrender with yourself?
With your lover?
It just might turn your frustration into bliss.
Don’t forget to breathe.
The breath is the key!
It is your vehicle. Your teacher. Your friend. Your lover.
Your life force. Your heart. A connection to your soul
Something SO much bigger than you.
It is your gift!
And you have it with you all the time.
Note: Read this again after meditating, and it will make more sense!
Bubbles, warm water, and lavender oil await your longing feet to be touched, pampered and adored for an hour of intimate bliss and love! To be touched, and embraced with kindness opens up the heart, clears ones energy, and allows one to surrender into the experience of receiving; being nurtured, pampered, appreciated, respected and offered unconditional love.
I love watching someone melt, and relax in peace, knowing they are in safe arms, cared for, and can surrender their true feelings. It is fulfilling to give the gift of love, and be received with gratitude that they allowed you to help release their stresses, sadness, or anxiety, and opened their heart.
Sacred Foot Massage is much more than a massage. It is a full body experience of bliss, energy cleansing, pampering, and opening up to the greater gift of ones own heart, as the heart melts its fears, worries, concerns and stresses, and can relax into the unknown, as though time was nonexistent. A true healing experience in formed, and with delight and trust, sometimes ones heart opens even greater and tears of love release from the body, as the stress leaves and changes form.
The opposite of stress and anxiety is bliss. As the body shifts the stress, it opens up to a kundalini wave of energy flowing that takes over and manifests as bliss. Bliss is a full body feeling of pleasure, however, pleasure does not necessarily mean sexual. It can mean a spiritual cleansing of ones own energy center. In many cases, however, orgasm manifests, and takes over inside and outside, as deeper breaths rise, energy expands and love abounds!
Sacred Foot Massage includes a consultation/coaching part of the session, discussion of current or recent issues, blocks and obstacles, and desires of where to arrive/goals to achieve. Then the session includes a hand to the heart, guided deep breathing, and then getting ready to soak the feet in a tub of warm bubbly water. Then massage is experienced on one foot at a time, dripping water to the rest of the leg, and massaging the rest of the leg. Then the other foot and leg is done. Often a blanket will rest over the upper part of the body, with a pillow behind the persons head and room to stretch out as they relax deeper. After the feet are done, deeper massing into the thighs is experienced, and then more of a sensual nature massage takes form. As the person surrenders they may experience full body orgasm, and as they come to rest, I may rest my hand on their heart again, or put my arm around them to allow them to surrender into the bliss and love just received. Sometimes it takes a moment to get grounded and integrate from this experience, so I will sit with them and hold them until they feel settled and ready to get up.
This is an example of one of the Spiritual Tantra Sessions I offer. There are many other examples.
Much Love and Blessings,
How All Sessions Go
No matter what you’re looking for, no matter what your focus is, your goals, intentions, or needs, or “program” you feel fits you best, we will always have a conversation and coaching part of a session, prior to anything else. Before meeting, we will have a pre-screening process to determine your level of spiritual experience, interest and what your next steps of spiritual growth are. Then we determine if we are going deeper into a spiritual healing session (which always precedes any tantra work), or if we are doing more of a Coaching Session, which always precedes any Sex or Intimacy Coaching as well.
Even if someone is coming for health reasons, holistic healing, general massage, or emotional healing (such as grief work, anxiety, depression, anger, a break up, a death in the family, a challenge with their relationship or their sexual concerns), we will still have a coaching aspect to any session.
If someone comes for Erectile Dysfunction, or Pre-mature Ejaculation, we will still have Coaching and/or Counseling prior to any Session, to determine if it is energetic and emotional reasons, or health related, and the best approach to take.
If someone comes for Intimacy Issues and is manifesting the wrong partner, we will go into Coaching, to determine what the pattern is, the history of all relationships, the types of relationships manifested, and the common theme of what all the issues in those relationships come up. We may do emotional healing or energy clearing to release the blocks to the previous partners, or go into a Cuddle Session and Chakra Healing work, however, Coaching and all sorts of talking is part of the session, and is addressed in the same session.
Prior to any hands on or touching aspect of any session, spiritual healing work takes place. Often it is a meditation, chakra clearing session, or a tantra meditation, however, there are other tools used prior to hands on work that may be needed, but it is not determined what is best until after meeting and the issues that are important to work on. (And, if a talking aspect to a session is needed and takes a larger amount of time, and then a spiritual healing is needed after, a longer session would be recommended, or multiple sessions to get all aspects covered).
Sometimes Reiki or Aura Clearing is needed in order to do any hands on work. Reiki energy helps moves the energetic blocks and frees up the space around a person so they radiate a higher frequency. The energy around a person is often more significant then their physical body, and any layers that are guarded or heavy will need cleansing before physical touch and closeness. If someone’s energy is too heavy, too chaotic, anxious or fear based, I will either suggest seeking solely Spiritual Healing (with myself or another practitioner first), or a professional therapist to do emotional healing work (or they can work with me on this level also if they feel comfortable). Then after these layers have been addressed, we can move into more physical healing work.
The page Spiritual Healing Coaching talks more about healing the aura, energy body, and spiritual healing. Every step counts and one leads to the next layer of creating a full body experience of bliss, joy, and profound peace and satisfaction!
And even working on healing the emotional layers of a person, can certainly and DEFINITELY take one to joy! Underneath all challenging feelings is love, and no matter what lays on top, love is always waiting!
Sex As Mood Trigger
For those who have attachment issues and fears of intimacy, often sex and intimacy will be a trigger into their psychosis or issues that bring up the core of their emotions. I realize I am not a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist, or CLSW, however, it doesn’t take someone with initials at the end of their name to know about issues with intimacy. (And, I have 20 years of experience in the practice of Healing Arts, and Sexual Healing Arts, which can often be seen as more background than actual college).
What does one do when the person they love so much, is triggered by the mere idea, or mere act of intimacy? How do you handle it? Do you try to help them, because, after all, you do love this person so utterly deeply. Why would you not want to help them, especially if the person is your husband or wife, and the parent to your child.
Intimacy and Sex is often a trigger word, and a trigger in general for certain people. It is actually more common than we realize, albeit, we would much prefer it not be the case, or that this issue was less common. The fact is, it is a common issue, as many children and many families have attachment and boundary issues, so too, do families and children grow up learning certain behaviors, beliefs and take on issues themselves in relation to the family dynamics they grew up in.
As much as these issues are common, what is not common is that people don’t want to look at themselves and what it is that causes them to have fear, their triggers, or take personal responsibility and accountability for their own part of a relationship (that is, after all, causing an impact on the other person). That is quite a challenge, especially if you love someone, and wanted to commit to them, for the long haul.
In the book: Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, it says:
Attractive people are attracting and yet frightening. They are beautiful; you would like to relate to them, but to relate with them means to lose your freedom. To relate with them means to not be yourself anymore. And because they are attractive, you will not be able to leave them; you will cling. You know your tendency — that the more attractive a person is, the more clinging will arise in you; you will become more and more dependent. That is the fear! ~~~Nobody wants to become dependent. Freedom is the ultimate value. Even love is not higher than freedom. Freedom is the ultimate value.
And why is it that people so want to have freedom? And, why do they not think they can have freedom within a relationship? Most people, usually think it is one way or the other, not both. And, so they resist love and intimacy at all costs, because they feel to love deeply and ultimately, they will be sucked deep into a pit, never able to remove them-self and be their true identity. If to be intimate, and to love deeply, feels like a trapped cage, of course it would feel as though they have no freedom. But it is possible to have both love and intimacy and have freedom. The only place that is not free is in the mind.
If you love a person, you love a person. What will happen tomorrow —who cares? Today is so much, this moment is an eternity. What will happen tomorrow, we will see…when tomorrow comes. And tomorrow never comes. Real love is of the present. Always remember: Anything real has to be part of awareness, has to be part of the present, has to be part of meditation. Then there is no problem! And there is no question of attraction, and there is no question of fear.
However, to a person of true fear of intimacy, these principals won’t make any sense. They will avoid intimacy at all costs, or as soon as there is the threat of the intimacy leading into something more serious. They will abhor intimacy at that point, and find any excuse to do other things; anything, other than the exercise, practice, or quiet time of solitude, to be alone; sitting near, laying near or being lovely dovey with their Beloved (in any manner that feels like closeness). Having that time alone will feel like a nightmare, leading into the trap they so deeply cringe and fear. Closeness will feel like a set up, and they will raise all walls and defenses against it. They will find intimacy as the direct threat to their sanity. And, their sanity will change into a thing of the past. They may change altogether, and become anxious, fearful, or start throwing darts your way, as though you did something to hurt them, scare them, even threaten them, when all you did was desire their affections and closeness above all else.
Perhaps in the beginning of the relationship, intimacy was something they joyed, as the structure of the relationship was not set yet. It had not formed or crystalized yet into a committed relationship. It was only something of fun, freedom, joy and non-attachment. But, as soon as it felt like it was becoming a commitment, they then changed.
Before sex, there is less attachment to the person. By having sex, you are connecting on an energetic and emotional level, and a certain level of attachment begins, even if it is unintentional. A one time sexual encounter is not as attachment producing as multiple times. However, even once is enough. Something happens in your DNA, your spiritual body and it causes two people to connect on a level nothing else can.
With Intimacy issues, the after effects of sex can pose a threat to ones overall balance of their mind. It can trigger deeper emotions within, and cause a ripple effect of layers upon layers that have not been addressed, need to be healed and supported through therapy, and cleared through other paths of emotional processing. If your lover is capable of holding space and presence for you as you reveal those vulnerable feelings (and you him), it can be a match made in heaven. However, if your lover resists feeling such things, is in denial that he has feelings, or in denial that working through them together can bond the relationship together stronger, it can only cause a downward spiral of separation, as soon as you, the one who desired the closeness, connected with him.
In the book, The Seven Levels of Intimacy, in the section on The Sixth Level of Intimacy, it states where the fear begins:
It is often here that we have to tend to the wounds of our past. Sometimes these wounds have been ignored for years, and we find them infected and festering. Cleaning out wounds can be an excruciating painful experience, but if we are to recover and grow strong again it cannot be avoided.
In the level of feeling, we certainly make ourselves vulnerable, but in the sixth level, we expose ourselves. Level 6 is the emotional equivalent of nakedness. This emotional nakedness is usually appropriate only in our primary relationship. Here, at the sixth level, we finally arrive at the place where we are able to say to our signifiant other, “I am afraid.”
However, when sex is the trigger for someone’s mood, emotions and fears, often intimacy will not come to the place of creating the vulnerability that will cause a breakthrough and transformation of closeness and love in a relationship. The ability to say, “I am afraid”, and your beloveds honesty will not happen. And, if it does, it will only come from trust, honesty, and perhaps some very deep emotional healing work, if and when this person you love will surrender to this degree of help. You only pray they do, and perhaps stop engaging in sex with them, so as to not trigger their wounds, or create an episode and emotional breakdown.
Maybe they will be your best friend, and that is all they can handle…for now.
It might sound funny, but it is exactly what energy radiates from someone’s shaft if he himself is angry! I don’t mean being angry in one moment either. I mean, if his over-all personality, energy and mood is the majority of the time filled with anger, frustration, resentment, annoyance or even sexual frustration. When a woman goes to massage a male’s genitals, however he is feeling on the inside, his deeper core emotions, his cock will feel the exact same thing!
The energy of a man’s cock will take on the energy of his entire self. And, if he is desiring to connect with his beloved, she too, will feel the anger radiating off of him. She will feel his annoyance, and frustration, his impatience, his neediness, and overall anger beaming energy right off of his sacred area, in addition to his heart chakra, and everywhere else around him.
If his energy is angry and filled with these emotions mentioned above, often times a woman won’t want to connect with him, or will have a difficult time, because that energy is not a welcoming feeling. That energy actually pushes people away in the opposite direction, probably the opposite too of what he wishes they would do. An angry cock feels toxic, heavy and the opposite of loving; exactly what women desire to feel. And, if he is trying to connect to a woman, the best way to go about it, is for him to clear his angry energy first.
How Do You Clear Your Angry Cock?
The first step is to acknowledge that you might be angry. Even, if the majority of the time you think you are pretty peaceful, consider, that its possible your energy is not as peaceful as you think.
It’s possible that your cock is not angry, however, it still may have stress-filled energy around it that is causing the people, or person, in your life to have a certain reaction. And, even if that reaction is that she cannot orgasm or orgasms very little, that too is an indication that your energy is not as pure as your lover needs it to be.
The next step after acknowledging that your cock, and whole energy being, might have a certain frequency that is causing women around you to have a certain reaction, is to do your personal work.
How do you do that? The term processing might be overrated, but that’s one practice that is helpful. Find someone to talk to about your feelings, get it out in the open, and stop trying to deal with the stuff in your life all alone!
The next thing would be to take on spiritual or peace inducing practices; such as meditation, yoga, tai chi, chi gong, acupuncture, walks in nature, baths, drinking tea, etc.
Beyond this is to get a massage, but not just for the sexual frustration; the whole gamut! Get a massage, or energy healing session to release pent up energy in your entire being; your neck, shoulders, chest, back, hips, thighs, calves, hamstrings, arms, hands, feet, ankles, etc. And, when it’s time to remove pent up energy in your genitals, do it with consciousness, not with any intention to release an orgasm (not for a while at least), and remove any blocked energy of anger around your shaft.
This post is not just for women guys! It’s for men to truly get your woman, and help yourself so that you can clear and open yourself to be a match for what she desires; the authentic loving you she desired when you first met, those many moons ago!
So clear your energy and your cock feels peaceful, loving, and ultimately sexy! Isn’t that what you want your loved one(s) to feel from you anyway? 🙂
Slow Sex is Best
Sex, sex, sex! Everyone loves to talk about sex! But sex to one person may mean something completely different to someone else. To one person it may mean going out to dinner, having a few glasses of wine, and coming home to jump in the bed with their hunny. To another, it may mean to stay in, put everything on hold, and do it right there on the spot, spontaneously wherever they feel like it. And to another, it may mean slow foreplay, lots of intimate massage, then taking as long as possible before removing their external articles, and moving as slowly as possible after.
Most people, and in particular, most guys, think the faster the better, but that can’t be further from the truth. Guys, and women too, feel a peak of desire, and want to rush to feel some form of satisfaction. They crave the feeling of pleasure, get impatient and even become aggressive with their own body. They almost in a sense, are taking out that sense of impatience and anger on them-self, for having waited to be intimate, and don’t realize that the slower they go, they more healing, nurturing and joy they experience within. And, too, the slowness creates an energy flow, the chi, and taoist energy movement, that allows even an emotional connection to their body, feelings and experience to take place. Sometimes, the slower, the more sensual and the more emotional. Often, there is no healing without slowness, no emotional connection, no vulnerability, no sadness, and also no electric orgasm either.
There are many vibrators out on the market, and many of them, have a speed that is much too fast to allow the person to have a true tantric emotional connection or healing experience. These ‘toys’ are targeted more for people who are unable to orgasm without them, and all too often, they over-stimulate a woman, creating a somewhat dependence on the toys, and it sets the woman up for being unable to have any pleasure or release with her own partner (or herself for that matter). She then needs the toy after being with her partner, and then her husband, or boyfriend, etc. feels left out, unloved, not included in her pleasure, and it sets him up to feel failure as a lover; which is probably completely off base. She just trained herself to received pleasure from some foreign object, and can’t experience pleasure without it. Guys, it’s not your fault!
However, there is hope! Women can retrain themselves to slow down, and men can feel the satisfaction of connecting with his sweetheart and beloved deeply once again! First, I’d like to say, is that it IS possible. You first have to put the toy away. Hide it in a trunk, or the attic for a while. Try something different. Try slowing down, breathing, working with your own energy, your own breath, a gentle touch, and let your emotions come to the surface. It will create a spiral and circulating effect of self love, love for your partner, and a connection much deeper than two people experiencing a superficial orgasm at two separate times and in two different ways can ever do.
If two people in a relationship, are both desiring to be sexual, get close, but one is angry, another is frustrated, depressed, or experiencing anything other than love, fast sex often seems like the quick solution to connect and attempt to make all those feelings go away. But, those feelings don’t go away, without acknowledging them, truly feeling them, being with them, and loving them into disappearance.
Slow sex, and slow intimacy is the only way to truly acknowledge your partner, love him or her, and create a connection that is worth experiencing. Why rush when you can have so much more?
Arousal as Energy Movement
What happens after a relationship ends, or you have taken an enormous amount of time to be alone? (The relationship might as well be over if that’s the case). And definitely the case if your partner had a fear of intimacy. (Search the keyword Intimacy for more posts on this topic).
What happens to your body after you’ve gone through the grieving and letting go process, and you’re ready to start dating again, or having an interest in connecting with others after all that time?
What usually happens, is your body will start telling you that you are ready. It will have desires with certain people you are attracted to, or give you sudden urges and nudges to push you to talk to someone. But what happens when you’re by yourself, and you are starting to finally open up again after all that time alone? Your body may have waves of energy movement, or jolts of sudden arousal. It may feel orgasmic, but then when you go to pleasure yourself, you may still feel certain blocks to experience a full body experience of arousal, i.e.. orgasm.
The arousal is your bodies way of telling you that you have gotten through most of the grieving process of your ex lover (husband, wife, etc) and it has achieved a level of balance, equilibrium and harmony of energy and wants to move to a higher place of joy. You completed the cycle of sadness, solitude and aloneness after the hard core break up. You took the time you needed to rest, recover, release anxiety, stress and sadness from your previous beloved, and now your body has awaken, and it wants to wake you up to match how it feels.
It can happen anywhere; your kitchen while you are cooking a meal, your car while singing to a song you love, cleaning your home, reading, talking to a friend, or even meditating or taking a bath. When your body is ready to open to a higher level of pleasure, it doesn’t matter what you are doing or who you are with. It will move and rise within you no matter what!
If you talking to a friend in person or over the phone and you definitely don’t want that friendship to turn into something different, be careful! You may want to hang up the phone or leave the current situation to allow your body to experience how it’s feeling. Otherwise, that friendship might just turn romantic pretty quickly!
If you want the friendship to turn into something else, and your friend had been waiting for you to be ready and open, awesome! Or, you are neutral and don’t care if this person will remain your friend or turn into something else, that may be time to have a discussion. However, if you have the discussion on the spot, changes will happen almost dramatically! A more rational stand would be to walk away, take care of yourself, and then talk to your friend later after the feeling of sexual arousal and frustration has calmed down.
I’ve discovered a practice called the Deer Exercise for women and men in my recent search on this topic. This is a taoist energy practice to help move and awaken someone who has been suppressed or shut down for a long time. If you are no longer suppressed and feel the energy already excited, this practice may actually just balance you and help release some of the pent up sexual frustration, and perhaps help you relieve the sexual frustration a little easier. However, I find the Shamanic Breathwork and Tantra Meditations to be more powerful. Whatever you choose is your choice, and your body will let you know what is best!
Feel free to give the Deer Exercise a try. Who knows it might help! If anything it will help keep your energies open and your body in overall health and vitality! Enjoy!
For men and women:
When He Keeps Rejecting You
When your husband, significant lover, or boyfriend keeps rejecting you, after countless years and months of being together it is heart-breaking. I mentioned a while back this topic in an article called, “When You Want Your Husband and Someone else Shows Up“, this was relating to the same situation. The main man in your heart, the one your heart is deepest connected to over and above anyone else, is rejecting you, and there is nothing you can do! (This article also has relevance: When Your Hunny Just Doesn’t Want to Have Sex)
You gently say, it’s okay in one moment, and can be patient and wait for him when he is ready, but when he says the same thing over and over again, “not now hun”, “I’m tired,” or “we can connect later. Time and space won’t make a difference for how we feel, and if it does, we didn’t love each other anyway.” You think he makes some rational sense, but perhaps its his way of brain washing you to accept it, his reverse psychology of manipulation, because he probably really knows how to trick you, and cuts into your empathy personality of kindness, compassion and love. He knows they are your core values; to be kind, patient and accepting of others.
You see he’s dealing with something. You don’t know what it is. You’re annoyed, but your heart is open, and you love him, so you accept his needs, and request to connect later. But later never comes!
In the book, Men Who Can’t Love, it says under The Commitmentphobic Husband:
“Perhaps the most amazing thing about the committmentphobic husband is to the extremes to which he goes in order to not feel trapped. His discomfort is so great that he loses sight of the fact that his wife is a human being. Yet, after marriage, he is often so intensely uncomfortable, so anxious and so out of control that he can no longer see her clearly. He is often a man without mercy. His anxiety to find space and freedom within a relationship in which he feels trapped is no less terrifying to watch than the recently captured animal. He is flailing and it will do no good to point to him that his wife is just a woman and that she probably loves him. He can no longer see the reality of the situation. In his head she is captor.”
It’s amazing how many times you hear your man who is terrified of intimacy blame you for scaring him, or giving him anxiety, or putting pressure on him, or yelling that you ask too much of him, when all you want is intimacy, and he gives you nothing; or very little so much as a hug or sitting next to you for a short period on the couch. That is not deep intimacy, but to him, its all he can handle.
You think you yourself can handle this behavior. You allow it to continue and adjust your body’s arousal, and energy to handle his rejection. You even maintain intimacy with others to continue to accept it, but its never enough. You wanted him, most of all. Sometimes having affairs or an open marriage, doesn’t resolve the issues within the relationship, especially when they are deep rooted. If they have a fear of intimacy, and an issue with attachment, them telling you to go be with others and connect with them won’t resolve your hurt, frustration or pain with him. The issues with him must be resolved with him, not someone else. After all, it’s his fear of intimacy that is causing you to need to be with others anyway, isn’t it. So, its fear of intimacy that needs to be healed, not your sexual frustration. Being with others is wonderful, but in the end, its only a temporary solution, to a much bigger problem.
In the book, Recovery Workbook, For Love Addicts and Love Avoidants, it says: “Love Avoidants suffer from some form of childhood incest, and they fall in love but abort the relationship when it gets serious. Incest can mean overt (sexual molestation and rape), covert (sexual energy without touching) and emotional (being forced to be a surrogate partner).”
Saboteurs are Avoidants who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up.
Seductive Withholders run hot and cold. They always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become bored or frightened, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection, anything that makes them feel anxious. (If they leave the relationship just once, they’re Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable in the same relationship, they are Seductive Withholders.
My guy was definitely a Committmentphobic and Seductive Withholder, and definitely a multitude of personality disorders. It’s hard to pinpoint without an actual diagnosis, however, being a practitioner for a very long time, and studying psychology and healing myself for 2 decades, I can pretty much estimate what is correct.
The most difficult thing is this person is your best friend, and was your lover, who connected with you so profoundly deeply and got into your heart before anyone else did. He’s stuck in there, like a leech, and you can’t get him out. So, those who deal with this, often want to try to help, support, heal, and struggle with being kind and offering compassion. However, in the end, this type of person must choose on his or her own, to get their own help, and truly get through their own battles, lest they stop giving them to you. You have enough battles to conquer on your own! I sure did.
In the book, The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table; Recognizing and Dealing with AntiSocial and Manipulative People, its says:
“When you first meet a sociopath (very similar to psychopath by the way), you may be impressed by her good manners. She tends to be charming at first, may go out of her way to please you, and often falls back on flattery. These tactics are designed to draw you in, but beware, for she is not what she appears, which is why sociopaths are often called “social chameleons.” It seems counterintuitive that someone so charming can be so dangerous.”
They have no trouble convincing the whole neighborhood and local community that they are perfectly normal, and most likely it is you that his community thinks has a problem, since they always see you upset at his wrong doings and acting out to stand up for yourself.
“It is quite common for sociopaths to create a sense of similarity and intimacy. They will tell you that you are the only person who understands them, that you are their special “soul mate.”
I remember not too long ago, he quoted from the funny kids movie, ‘Hotel Transylvania’, “You are my zing babe!” and flavored me with affection, devotion, commitment and made me believe we would after all that time get married, have another child and a home together. All those promises left to be met with his illusion and fantasy that he kept me hanging on by a string, with hopes for the future, and his unreliable stability and consistent change of heart.
Numerous times after he disappeared into his triggered state of whatever psychosis or personality state he has (bipolar, psychopathic, mama’s boy, womanizer, schizoid), and stayed there for a long time, I would be left to accept that he was a different person, and the man I loved with all my heart, completely pulled his heart back from me, and I was now talking to a different human being. No amount of my loving coaching, counseling techniques, patience, listening, and gentle healing love would make any different what-so-ever. He was an all-together different person now. Something triggered it, and usually it was from my desire of being close and intimate, have sex, or connect in a beautiful emotional way. Sometimes, and often times it was also something else. Sometimes just looking at him would do it, or rejecting and counter-offering another suggestion of doing something, anything other than what his direct focus was on. Any disapproval of his objective and focus was a complete insult to his ego. He was flabbergasted, and would complain you didn’t accept him fully and unconditionally. So, it left you unable to have your own opinion about anything. His objective was to keep you quiet, make you think you’re wrong, and reject you again and again!
If you tried to help him, talk to him about his feelings or why you felt his grilling anger, as though he was chewing his own teeth, and ready to scream at any moment, he would blame you for making his life stressful; for the mere act of asking him what was wrong. It was like being a therapist to your lover, but with no results. Gaining results always makes one feel as if what they are doing is helpful, but his rejection to first intimacy, and then rejection to talking, to then leaving all-together makes your efforts seems all the more worth-less.
The only thing left, is to accept it, grieve him, and then grieve some more! Anyone have a box of tissues? You might need them after reading this, and dealing with someone who runs for the wolves when you’re offering a sweet bed of flowers, and even some massage oil, satin sheets, and comfy gel pillows! Ahh, that sounds really nice!
If your lovers goal and main objective is to turn off your passion, suppress your sex, and make you passion-less and not filled with passion, he has a main objective; to displeasure you, and turn you off; not on!
The definition of to dis-please is: to incur the dissatisfaction, dislike, or disapproval of, offend, annoy, and also to be unpleasant.
The definition of displeasure is: dissatisfaction, disapproval, or annoyance, discomfort, uneasiness or pain, and an act of offense, annoyance or injury.
If your lover shuts you down, rejects you, rejects your requests of connection and intimacy, gets mad when you want him, gets mad when you are horny, ignores you when you are horny, and even does energy magic manipulation tactics to turn your high sexual energy down to feel nothing, like he was trying to turn it off and calm you down, he is an energy vampyre, AND maybe a psychopath himself, or some strange sex avoider.
Most of the time, psychopaths are sexual predators, and attempt to be very sexually active, almost aggressive and hurtful, and if they aren’t in one moment, it will come out later. My experience with my psychopathic lover was, that because my love making style was SOOO gentle, sensual, and tantric (where I wanted to look into each others eyes, move VERY slowly to have multiple orgasms, and wanted to be asked permission before he touched my breasts, and for them to be touched gently and with love) and he knew I refused to connect with him if it wasn’t that way, and had the ability to control his high energy and slow him down, even with all his will power, he got to the point where he wasn’t interested in sex at all. And, the only time he was ever really open to doing it is when I convinced him with my seduction. But most of the time, that didn’t work. He complained that he used to be able to move fast with Suzy ex, or squeeze Linda whoever’s nipples aggressively, and she didn’t mind the pain. But I did, so instead of being loving and supportive of my gentle needs, he just rejected me al-together. Talk about a passion killer!
And, I had SOOO much passion! I was horny all the time. I wanted him ALL the time, every time we saw each other, every time we talked, and almost any time we made connection. And most of the time I initiated all of those connections too. My other lovers and even other connections were so jealous of the desire I had for him, but I never got my fill or return of the passion I put out. I ended up waiting, in limbo, like I mentioned before. I was like the sexually frustrated guy who was always horny and with a very passive girlfriend. I always felt like we reversed roles, but really, I was a tantrica. I had blasted open my sexual energy, was willing to have sex and be connected intimately all the time, but then somehow got knocked up with some repressed angry psycho who didn’t even speak my tantric language. He didn’t even understand what I was talking about, and would get mad when I spoke in terms of all things beautiful from my trainings. He talked the talk, but didn’t walk the talk, claiming he was so tantric, and many many times it seemed that way, but the true colors always came out later, in my own sexual frustration and his rejection of me.
I remember one time I came home from a Daka /Dakini Conference in Sedona, Arizona. This was a Sexual Healers Conference, and I had enjoyed myself so much, experienced pleasure, love, intimacy and healing and raised my sexual vibration and my kundalini was flowing so beautifully. I came home happy, excited, and filled with vibrant energy that I wanted to share. And, immediately when I got home, he came over. The intention was to connect, and I was hoping to share my beautiful love energy with him. And, as soon as he saw me, and felt my energy, he literally placed his hands on my back, did this strange breathing technique, and made ALL my tantric and beautiful passion energy DIS-APPEAR! It was like magick! I didn’t know what happened, or how it happened, but I knew I was pissed, and I wanted my energy back. I flew that far away, spent the money to travel, get healing experience connection, and then as soon as I arrived home, he did his vampiric energy sucking technique thing and made it ALL go away! I couldn’t believe it! He didn’t have permission to do that! And, I then started studying vampirism, vampire magick and the true meaning of energy vampires for years after, but it was only until this past year, that I learned that true evil vampires are actually the spiritual name for Psychopaths! So, all that talk about vampires was being nice! Because some spiritual energy vampire’s are actually awesome good people, and there is amazing gifts they give to people, with permission. I’ve joined communities and found out about them. (granted some of them are very sick, but many have advanced healing abilities and offer them with permission and love; nothing like what’s in the movies). The movies give them a bad name (and teach mentally sick people to be even sicker). However, after leaving someone, and truly separating my consciousness and energy from him, I discovered that Psychopaths are actually the true vampires! Go figure! And, they don’t even know they are doing it, nor is there really any cure! (Unless they had a head trauma and get brain surgery, or treatment from some brain balancing devices that can help, but they have to want it).
Boundaries, agreement and permission is the missing link. Its the permission piece that is missing with those who are mentally not healthy. If sex is not exciting, thrilling and perhaps violent enough, psychopathic men get bored. They want to dominate, control and possess every single part of you. If they know they can’t do it, the next solution for them, is to shut you down. (His offense is your defense, and he tried to tear me down, but I was a match in standing power. Perhaps that alone is what drew us apart. I stopped letting him overpower me, in one situation at least).
They try to make you feel like you’re undesirable. But I knew I wasn’t un-desirable. I just knew there was something wrong with his thinking. And for many many years, I tried to help him, hoping and thinking that eventually he would come around, because he did make efforts, promises, join me in spiritual retreats and events, even go to some awesome therapy sessions, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t try enough, or want it enough to truly make a difference. All that forgiveness I did, and love I shared, eventually had to be put away, on a shelf perhaps for another time. And, like in the movie Vanilla Sky, as the beautiful actress says, “maybe in our next lifetime when we are both cats!”
Who knows! Maybe he will heal, but most likely, he won’t try!
After being the pursuer, the sexual chaser in a relationship for over 4 or 5 years, it gets old. You want to be pursued, adored, wanted and chased. It’s healthy to have both partners desire one another, and take turns. It’s healthy if one pursues and initiates connection one time, then the next time the partner takes the lead. But, if one partner always takes the lead, and the only way the connection actually happens is if they must maintain taking the lead, there is no balance. Perhaps they will be glad and excited to do it for a while, but after years of being the chaser, it gets exhausting, depleting, and somewhat degrading of one’s self value and worth.
Getting to the source of why your partner won’t pursue you would of course be a breakthrough, however, that partner must be doing their own personal work for any revelation or transformation to happen. If you have to continue to be the rock that keeps things going, the source of passion, the leader in keeping it together, what eventually happens when you need nourishment, motivation, support, love, comfort and someone to fill you up to give you the motivation and balance your own energetic life force?
Perhaps there was an agreement of polyamory, and keeping the relationship open was ok, however, your ship for sailing and pursuing others sunk to the bottom of the ocean and you had no motivation left in you. Perhaps your heart became frozen; locked. Perhaps what you wanted was to be with your primary partner, and having that balanced would create the opening so that extra partners would be able to fall in gracefully to harmonize the rest of you. So that foundation relationship, the main one, the source, being broken, or unbalanced, creates a ripple effect of unbalance everywhere else too! And all those extra partners, the secondary ones, or very occasional get togethers, don’t experience your true heart, because the one you loved the most locked it with his key. And the only way it was able to be open was through him; connecting to him fully, or letting him go completely! And neither was an option. You were stuck in limbo, never connecting fully, nor either letting him go.
If you didn’t want to let him go, all those other connections were waiting. You knew they were there. They knew you were there, but something was missing, no spark of passion, no desires, and an empty portal of darkness filled its place.
So, you kept trying to pursue him, even passively, putting out the energy, the signals, the conversations, the meetings, but that part of you that got fed up with always being the seductress died when he stopped giving you his love, when he put up a wall to being the leader, a man who chases and stands strong for his woman and not giving up on her, and your feelings of value were removed.
A Womanizers Manipulative Techniques:
(Titles of bullets taken from The Manipulative Man)
- Blaming: He says, “I am ok!” Wanting affection, connection, and intimacy is considered smothering in their eyes, needy and co-dependent.
- Shrew: Your desires are too unreasonable for them, and your expectations are always too high.
- Exaggeration and lying: He always complains that he is tired, overworked and doesn’t have the energy, and if he is late or doesn’t have time to reach out or call its not his fault. (I have lots of stories about this one. Many times he showed up tired, and would pass out on the couch or mat, often an hour late. If I tried to wake him up to cuddle or connect he would grumble, growl or complain. If I asked what he was upset about, he would also grumble, growl and complain, and often storm out like a temper tantrum. I never knew what his problem was, but it was annoying and frustrating and it got old).
- Exploiting negative beliefs: If you start doubting that your feelings are valid, he will reassure you that you are wrong for having normal needs and that it is you, not them that is unbalanced. (Even if you have professional therapists, coaches, or other healers validate you that you are right, he will diminish them also, justifying why they are wrong, and add all of you to his list of people that aren’t taking his side, or loving him unconditionally for whining or being a bully).
- Exploiting emotions and intimidating: You start to become afraid of the manipulators anger, and stop asking for your needs, or setting firm limits or boundaries. (And often this sets you up to being repressed emotionally, sexually and also spiritually. You try to do whatever you can to keep him happy. But, he will NEVER be happy no matter what you do, or how long you wait!)
You wanted him to chase you! You wanted him to show you that he cared. You wanted his love. You felt it before, and knew it was in there, hiding. But he only made it visible and known when he felt like it, like a temperamental cat. Was he a cat? you thought! No, he was a stupid human, and why did he have to be so damn sexy and hot? You wonder if all sexy and good looking guys are manipulators and abusers. You start thinking that might be the case. But this one was connected to you like glue, and you couldn’t get him off of you, for a really long time anyway. So, you kept trying. You kept reaching out. You kept being nice! But you were wrung dry. Your pot of niceness and sexual favors of giving withered up and died. You wanted to be seduced yourself! You wanted to be enamored, tasted, flavored with your favorite dressing, but you wanted it to be from him! Not some other person; not some stranger, or someone you were scheduled to help. It was you, who needed to receive! And your energy of giving was almost like a deep dark black hole. It had withered. It lost its scales. It lost its spark. And, it took a very powerful experience to stop the cycle of trying to be seduced by someone who would never ever give of himself, never lift a selfless deed, or make himself available to be of service (nurturing and healing that is), to any woman, or even any friend. He was, like a ghost, empty, death; your personal vampire servant; only here to suck you dry, and was always captivated to suck you more!
Sexy Charming and Abusive
If your best friend, your lover, (husband, boyfriend, wife or girlfriend) is also your abuser, people may have told you time and time again to just leave the jerk. And if you looked at them with perplexed eyes, feeling despair and hopelessness, because that one action seemed impossible, you are right! It is nearly impossible!
Leaving your lover, who is also your best friend, and is also your abuser, and is the one thing that scares you, threatens you, and risks your life on a daily basis, the decision of leaving may be impossible. Or, if you have tried leaving, perhaps they used their sexy charm and manipulation to win you back, just when you were catching on to their seduction, abuse, and lies.
Perhaps when you had made requests of intimacy time and time again, and they made excuse after excuse not to be intimate, and you got fed up, left, started dating others, were even starting new relationships, or attempting to, and they jumped in, only to stir your emotions again, dangle their carrot, and seduce you back into the bedroom again. Perhaps you caught on to their pattern of luring you in only after you had waited months and months, and then when they finally had you, they withdrew their love again, pushed you away, and became rageful, hurtful and even vengeful when you made requests to be intimate, or didn’t understand where their anger was coming from!
In the book, The Manipulative Man, by: Dorothy McCoy, Ed.D, it says:
Arrogant men are an annoyance. Narcissistic men and Womanizers turn our lives into a challenging game, as we attempt to stay ahead of their scheming, self-indulgent behavior. Beyond annoyance and challenge, we enter the darker side of human nature — violence. Hostile men would crush our spirits and redefine “who we are” as “who we should be.” Their view of relationships is dominance over driven and idiosyncratic.
After my husband had left to the mid west, going out there to plant seeds of getting a place to live and work, for our family, he arrived home and switched gears. He became a completely different person. His facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and goals all had changed. I was still in the mind-set of the goals we had prior. He had a different agenda. I had missed him, and wanted intimacy, to be close to him. I ignored the warning signs that he had switched, and in the moment he touched me, I saw his disassociation, and he crossed my boundaries, touching me aggressively and hurt me. His words, “I’m tired of you wanting to be gentle. My fingers like to be just as aggressive as my mouth.” In the moment I froze, and stayed quiet, as I figured out he had changed, and became someone evil.
The book states also, Intimidation is a crude, primitive form of manipulation employed by men who must control and dominate, much as other men must breathe. In most cases, these men will not change and they certainly won’t change to please us.
I tried to explain to him, that his touching was hurtful and to please be gentle, but he couldn’t hear me. He wasn’t listening, and it felt as though he wasn’t even in his own body. I felt his anger and distaste for my words, and no soothing words I spoke made any difference. The only solution was to pull away, and instead of responding in anger as a normal person would, I knew I had to protect myself from the rage I could feel he was feeling. I went in to speaking to him, as a counselor, asking why he was angry and where it was coming from, and assuring him that perhaps something happened while he was away that upset him. He continued in his denial of his feelings, and I remained calm and centered so as to not anger him further. Instead of standing up for myself or protecting myself, I knew that would enrage him further than he already was.
Our goals must then be revised to accommodate this new circumstance (violence). Then, our new goals become (1) to avoid pain and injury and (2) to gain independence from the violent male. If you believe it is easy to leave a violent man, you have been given inaccurate information. Women in strongly aggressive relationships are more at risk when they attempt to leave or after they leave.
It’s been one year since my abuser and I have separated. I’m starting to slowly gain back my spirit and power. It is true, I was in a funk and had anxiety during the first 6 months of separation, as my body was adjusting to leaving what it was used to constantly needing to defend. During the time he left to mid-west, and after the filing of protection and separation from him for nearly 2 months, all darkness of the truth was revealed to the light, and I had awareness more than I had in the last 10 years. I knew he was mentally ill, and may never get better or get help. And, I knew I had to leave the relationship for the last time (lest he ever prove to me that he had begun treatment, therapy or done something extraordinary to heal his mental condition).
In my heart he is still my best friend, however co-parenting is much healthier and safer without stirring intimacy into the mix, so as to avoid any intimacy triggers that will push him over the edge back into his abusive behaviors once again. It’s best to leave those triggers at bay, and create intimacy with others who have a healthy relationship with love and sexuality. Let’s create the least stressful life as possible, and the most ease! It’s been a long ten year journey, to finally be ready (and able) to walk away from someone who showed red flags within the first three weeks. Next time, it’s time to listen to them!
And perhaps too, he’s giving me a gift this time. By rejecting me he’s actually keeping me from repeating the cycle. There just might be a part of him that is healthy, that he knows he is incapable of loving me without chaos. I’m grateful for his rejection. It’s giving me a chance to let go.
I realize this blog post is off topic to the theme of this blog, however, I decided to be bold, honest and tell the truth. After all, we’re talking about sex and relationships aren’t we? I’m feeling my writers block starting to dissipate, and I am in fear of sharing the truth no longer! I have been working on creating videos on my TrueTantra.net site, and wrote a post when I was in the midst of grieving and detoxing this situation months ago at IntuitiveSoulHealings.com/relationship-trauma-anxiety/. I actually had writers block all year because of this. And started to tackle some personal health matters I am passionate about. I shifted gears to writing a funny children’s story while waiting for my writers block to disappear, and this here is perhaps my first truth writing where I can see things clearly, and the dark cloud I was in all year is finally gone! Don’t think I’m in a funk anymore, because I’m not! It just takes me a while to write, and usually its after all is well done and over, revealing what I had overcome! So, this is my writing in sharing, I have overcome this, and am truly grateful! We all have our journey’s! (And yes, I’ll continue to work on this journey while coming back to my passion and what I love…my spiritual and tantric life and love for sharing!)
If this post has any relevance to you, check out psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com. It’s FILLED with helpful information!
When a couple has a falling out, and there is a misunderstanding and disagreement, why is that one person in the relationship wants to work things out, and the other wants to run from the relationship all together?
The one person loves deeply, and wants to talk things through, heal, take time to sort out misunderstandings. The other wants to run from their feelings, hide, disappear and not deal with their feelings at all, until later, alone and separate from the situation, and in silence. Who is right in this scenario? What is the best outcome? Perhaps both solutions are correct, and there are many ways of sorting out things. What one person sees as the answer, might be right. And, what another person sees as an answer, the other person objects. However, in the end, if you believe you are right, you’re right! It doesn’t matter how something is resolved, as long as it is resolved, within yourself.
When one lover wants to sort things out, and the other lover is scared, sometimes it is best to let the scared lover take their time to heal. Sometimes the only way they heal is through time, separation and silence. If you are willing to give that lover his space, perhaps that solution can work, so long as you too are getting the support you need as well.
One may ask, how much is too much to take? Or how much is one willing to handle? But, for love, who isn’t willing to fight? Who isn’t willing to stand for the one they love? If not, perhaps it never was love to begin with.
Ancient soul love is worth the distance it takes to keep it alive. Even when a couple is very different in their thinking, or processing and one has an imbalance in their mind, the stronger person is always the one to keep things intact. It is always the stronger person who is the anchor, to keep things alive, to heal, to transform and to love.
Venus and Sex
So, I’m going to get into a little Astrology here. When it comes to relationships and our sexual desires, venus runs the show! We may think that its our minds, our hearts and our bodies that run the show, and that is certainly part of it, however, venus is the ruler behind all of it.
So, let me share the signs.
If your Venus is in Aquarius, you will pretty much do whatever you feel like. Venus in Aquarius loves everyone, and they don’t exactly like to be tied down to anyone in particular either. Venus in Aquarius likes to be free, they like to party, have fun, and be like a child always. They are a friend to all, and don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings either, but they will always make sure their needs are met, even if they are attempting to make others happy too. And, in the end, no one can make anyone happy but them-self, and they try to stick to this motto. They are best with lovers who can accept them in their need for freedom, or they will move on to someone else.
If your Venus is in Pisces, you are the Intuitive Lover! You’ll be easily moved to emotional connection, and your emotions will guide you to your sexuality. If you are in love, and your feelings are hurt, your arousal may be quickly turned off. However, you are a water sign, so if you have a lot of passion, a lot of water will rise and bring your passions back alive. Pisces is the sign of the sensitive lover, and they feel everything inside of them. They move often like water, so in order to keep up with them, its best to try to move with them. Pisces is the kind lover, so they will often think of others before thinking of them-self. Whatever the other partner wants, they will do what they can, to make them happy.
If your Venus is in Aries, you may be quick to decide to be involved with someone, get sexual very quickly, and just as quickly decide you don’t like them anymore, and not put much effort into keeping it going. Aries is a fire sign, and can get hot very quickly, anger, frustration quickly, and sizzle out just as fast. So, the best way to keep a Venus in Aries in your life, is to not make them angry, or do what you can to make them fall back in love all over again.
If your Venus is in Taurus, you might be very committed, sensual, and loyal to the core. Taurus is the tantric master, and are very grounded in their love making, like to move very slowly, are the leaders of foreplay, and can take as long as needed. They don’t like to share their partners, and consider their partners their own possession, so they would not want to go out searching for extra lovers, even when troubles arise.
If your Venus is in Gemini, you might be a very talkative lover, you may love to laugh and giggle in bed, and be prone to making your lover laugh as well, or talk their head off and they may want you to “shut up” sometimes. A Gemini Venus would be a very creative lover, and more detached. When a relationship ends, it might be easy for you to move on and go to the next partner. They would have an easy time with polyamory, and less clingy or possessive than other signs.
If your Venus is in Cancer, you would be very clingy to your lover, not want to share at all, and feelings would get hurt easily. Venus in Cancer would have a hard time with polyamory, and may not even think of it. Family comes first with Cancer, and they may want to include their relationship into their family, and if they cannot include their partner into their family, they may not feel as though the relationship is a good match. Venus in Cancer in bed, may want to cuddle for hours, make love for hours, and hold onto their lover for a long time. They are very affectionate, sensitive, and emotional.
If your Venus is in Leo, you may want to run the show, lead the bed-style so to speak, and take charge of your sexual interactions. Venus in Leo would be very loyal, and proud of their partner. Leo likes to be playful, child-like and innocent. They are kind, giving and selfless. They too would not want to open the relationship to others. Leo’s are loyal, committed, and usually stay with their partner for a long time.
If your Venus is in Virgo, you may be the most detail oriented lover there is. You may have an idea of how you want your sexual interactions to go, and be very clear they are the best, and if your lover does not surrender to these desires, there could be problems. Love making to you will be like art, very precise, beautiful and divine. You would be best matched with another venus lover in an earth sign , like Venus in Capricorn, Taurus or Virgo (or possibly the water signs of Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio). Venus in Virgo would not want to be polyamorous. They are happiest with a committed partner.
If your Venus is in Libra, your desire for harmony and balance overpowers everything else. Your sexual drive will most likely be high. You are an air sign, and will be aroused through the intellect. You are best matched with other creative signs. Venus in Libra would be very romantic, and do what they can to keep the romance alive. In relationships, you want everyone to be happy, so if your partner is not happy, deep down, you cannot be fully happy either. You will do everything you can to make all people involved feel equally loved, supported and nurtured, whether it is a one on one relationship, or more.
If your Venus is in Scorpio, you will be the most possessive, controlling and demanding lover there is. You will be prone to go down dark paths, and do mysterious acts such as BDSM, bondage, torture play, blood play, knife play, anything kinky and wild, possibly journey torture chambers, hand cuffs, all kinds of sex toys, swingers clubs, or anyplace you can show up with your lover in chains, and more. Venus in Scorpio does NOT want to share his or her lover, and will do everything wild and eccentric to make their lover happy. Venus in Scorpio wants to be the boss, and once you are in their web, they don’t ever want you to leave. If you have an affair however, and they find out, their anger will take over, and they will shut you out of their cave forever. Forgiveness does not come easily with Scorpio, and you may be waiting a very long time.
If your Venus is in Sagittarius, however, you have the most free lover there is, even more so than Aquarius. Venus in Sagittarius likes to be the leader, but they are also the least detached emotional lover there is. They like to bring spirituality into their relationships and love making, and bring a sort of transcendental enlightened wisdom to the bedroom. They love big, but do not want to be held down. They are best with a lover who can honor their power and their need for freedom. They need to be held to the highest degree of their power and freedom, and if they are not, they will move onto to another partner who can appreciate and honor this aspect of them. It is a part of their soul and they cannot be anything else. They are best matched with another Venus in fire or air signs.
If your Venus is in Capricorn, you have the sensual sexual energy of Taurus, and are also extremely tantric, however, the grounding of taurus goes deeper with capricorn, and they are like ice and stuck like glue to their chosen lover. Once they have fallen in love with a partner, they want to mate for life with this partner. They immediately have desires of marriage, commitment, family and children. And, when troubles arise with the relationship, even after many months, they still keep their heart tied to the same partner, and will work through any challenges that arise to keep that love alive. It is very difficult for Venus in Capricorn to share their lover, or move on, even when it seems obvious to everyone around them it is time to let go. Venus in Capricorn, in their heart, mates for life, and even if they have a new relationship, will love their ex lover as though they were together just the day before! (They are best matched with other earth signs or water).
So, find out your true Venus sign, and you will know who you really are in the bedroom, and all the lovers you have ever been with!
Inspired from studying Jyotish Astrology lately, after studying western astrology since 1984.